Karasu's Thought

Faded Photograph Collecting Dust

2011-03-21T00:31:00.003-04:00

I never told you. First, I haven't seen you since we last spoke, but more importantly, I didn't think that you'd care. All the same, I wanted to tell you that I kept your photograph that you gave me. You were my first relationship, and true, it did not work out, but your photo still sits on my nightstand.

I keep it not because I enjoy the fact that your smiling face is the last thing that I see each day, or because I believe that you are the physical embodiment of an angel (I do believe those things), but I keep it rather, because, it is a reminder of hope. Not the hope of a bright new future, or a world without war, or any of that nonsense, but hope for me that there is still one crazy, lovely, and brilliant young lady in the world that knows how to put up with me, and even on the rare day, find my antics attractive and charming.

I keep your photograph because it helps to remind me of the (hopefully good) memories that we share. I know that it wasn't much. But still, you offered me more than you know: joy, for a short time, in thinking that sometimes life can slow down so that we may enjoy the minute details such as a picnic lunch; a chat about a topic that we both find intriguing; or just the knowledge that despite our having different viewpoints on a matter, two people can sit and have a civil debate (not argument) based on mutual respect and a desire to understand the other person's viewpoint, where facts and opinions can be fleshed out, viewed rationally, and agreed upon, all within the context of civility.

While it did not last, I am not ashamed of our relationship. In fact, quite the opposite. Having the honor of getting to know you was (and still is) a high point in my life. I do hope that I can find another that can be as kind to me as you were. It is the hope that keeps me going when times are rough inside my storming mind. And that slightly faded photograph of yours is the beacon with which I can guide myself to safety inside that storm. Despite the dust that covers it from the passage of time, the hope still shines through.

Free Consultation

2011-03-09T03:56:00.002-05:00

First and foremost: I have a kick ass Resident Director. She doesn't even know my name, but she took my side when another RD came citing me as a "problem" with another resident. I have no idea what my RD's name is, but she kicks ass.

Second: College students, when biking around town at 0200 because there is nothing to do, and facebook has gone to bed, stay away from the schools. Cops (three of them, at least) tend to swarm you with quicker-than-normal responce times. They can be nice, even if you are a "suspicious Caucasian male in a dark jacket on a bike." They let me go without any hassle, at least.

That being said, I just biked around town for the majority of three and a half hours, pushing my endurance beyond its current limit. I am going to chug a bottle of water, and then sleep for two hours before I wake for class.

Uncertainty

2011-03-07T23:58:00.002-05:00

For some reason, the Deistic power has seen fit to smile upon my vain efforts for the time being. The girl from the post "The Truly Expected Results" has agreed to spend some amount of time with me. For the time being, I can settle for lunch every now and again, and some talking as we walk around campus....for the time being.
I even convinced her to watch a movie with me, and despite the fact that we couldn't find a DVD player, I would say that we had an enjoyable time just talking and watching television for two hours. It's a start. Were she not so bogged down with exams, I might even feel confident enough to ask her on another date. Maybe after mid-terms?

Transitioning to news that is purely good: I made friends with two music and art majors. It's almost a package deal, really. They're practically joined at the hip, and they act like sisters. We (the three of us) had a conversation today about boys, men, and their relationship(s) with women. It was quite interesting, and very informative of women's viewpoints on the situation.

And to end on a sour note: How does one tell if one has made the right choice in one's major? I feel that my choice in both theatre and psychology have been right up to this point. But I begin to evaluate myself, and that leads to the downfall. I have no truly special talents in the theatre, except for the passion to do the job. In psychology, I have only the training that I received in class, but that was half-assed anyway (I earned mediocre marks). The analyzing does not come naturally to me, and I have not the skill to "read" people like so many of my friends do.
I wonder what it is that I would be good at. I feel that it cannot be the things that I am passionate for.....it simply does not "click." Perhaps that is part of the (painful) adventure?

Life

2011-03-01T14:18:00.004-05:00

As my friend Wolf says, "It's like this."

The Truly Expected Results

2011-02-28T22:13:00.002-05:00

I need not go into the back story. Watch any of the stupid cliché romantic comedies today to understand what happens to the village idiot and his attempts at happiness with another to understand.

I met a pretty girl last week. (Yes, again you read this story.) The only difference is that I invited her on a date with me to see a movie that the school was showing. She said yes.
And I understand that close friends and family have great, important value to people. I'm not going to expect to be close enough to her yet for her to give me an explanation, but I would have liked for her to at least tell me that she had to leave campus to go visit one of them instead of having to find out from her roommate when I went to pick her up at her dorm.

I can stand being rejected. And being stood up is something else that I can bare, to an extent. I'm just tired of my deeper fears of betrayal and/or rejection coming to light. I'm sick of expecting it at this point.

I'm truly ready to just give up.

Desiring to Terminate

2011-01-30T22:17:00.003-05:00

Chivalry is a tiring trait.

And apparently this is a defining trait for me. I continue to hate the feeling that my attempts to restore life from the old days is wasted and in vain. Either my attempts are unwanted (as they so often are), or they fail early, quickly, and efficiently.

These results make me tired of the continuing pattern in my life. I cannot understand why the women that I attempt to court refuse me so steadfastly. I am tired of being alone, and I am tired of feeling tired of being alone.

DAMN IT!!

I know that I am tired. I have not had much sleep in the past seventy-two hours, and that sort of deprivation leads even neutral thoughts to having a twist of cynicism. But even before that, I find myself growing weary of "cute" and "happy." Advertisements showing "adorable" animals sicken me. That storybook ending that Disney is so famous for nigh induces regurgitation for me...my own personal ipecac. I wish that I knew how to rid myself of this tedium.

My idiotic airs keep my hopes alive for a romantic tale where I finally accept happiness in a situation where I can share my life with another. My realistic side longs for the day that I accept that I will grow old alone. ...Or, at least, die that way.

Sweet relief that would be, having been freed of my fetters to hope and joy.

I must rest soon before I commence yet another thoughtless action. It seems that all I may do now is wait. Next month will mark the day that I either celebrate a red or a yellow flower. At least by then, my mind will no longer be stuck in an eternal battle between two evenly matched options.

Getting One Right

2011-01-16T00:15:00.004-05:00

"Never armed our souls/ For what the future would hold/ When we were innocent./ Angels, lend me your might/ Forfeit all my lives to get just one right."

I'm sure that I've posted this song before. But for the first time, I feel that there is a new way for me to look at this. Now, instead of trying to forfeit this life, I can finally take hold of it and comfortably call it mine. When I last worked as a writing tutor, I had an adorable co worker. She is absolutely brilliant, and honestly could fit in perfectly at any Ivy League. And on Thursday, I finally had the nerve to ask her out. It was beautiful.

This semester is my first taking classes in a subject that I am absolutely passionate about: theatre. I'm taking courses from two of my most favorite professors, whom I adore.

I'm not sure how to fully express how happy I am to be back with my family, at home, doing what I love. I suppose that I'll just have to trust that you can understand that as you draw from similar experiences in your life. So, if you'll excuse me, I have to hang out with a close friend in ten hours, and I have to woo a woman over the holiday. And the best part? I'm pretty sure that I'm starting to win.

A Culinary Mastery

2011-01-08T05:06:00.004-05:00

I finally figured out the purpose of bread. No, toast is not the reason.

Bread's purpose is to make food easily consumable in a short time frame.

Do you like pork? Slap some between two pieces of bread. BAM. You have yourself a ham sandwich that you can now eat running out of the office for that meeting you have in five minutes. If you sat down for spaghetti you'd just plain miss that meeting.

Like beef? Place some on a bun. Tada! You have a hamburger: THE staple fast food in America.

Bread: for making food faster.

Looking up, but not high enough

2011-01-08T04:39:00.005-05:00

It feels like it has been some time since I have last posted. I feel quite surprised that it seems like both so much and nothing has happened in the past month and six days. Most of December was vacated of a schedule, seeing as the school ended the term so that students could have a Christmas break. So, in the spirit of a vacation, I did nothing. I spent some time with friends, and a handful of chores around the house, but nothing beyond that.

What makes it feel like so much has happened is that I've given up hope on any prospect of happiness from high school that I don't already have. There is a number of memories from that time that I keep, most good (some bad), and a handful of friends from that time. I don't expect any of that to change. The stupid thing that I chose to do over the break was to finally get the nerve and just ask out one of my best friends from high school. We (as of this posting) have been friends for three years and a couple months, and we hung out a LOT in high school. I thought that it would be perfect. Heck, she even said that she liked the "nice guys," which is something that people used to tell me that I am. But apparently, I had gotten myself too far into the "friend-zone" to get out. *shrug* Oh well. C'est la vie.

I am quite excited, however, that I have been re-enrolled in my first college after trying a senior university for a term. So, I returned to work on my recently declared second major. All of the paperwork has been taken care of; tuition has been paid; books will be picked up on the first day of class; I move into the dorm soon; and a job or two has been lined up for the upcoming semester.
Heck, to make it even better, a girl I used to swim with (way back in the day) recommended a place in the town that I live in where I sh/could ask about an internship. I went yesterday to speak with someone about getting the internship, and the staff seemed to be quite receptive. After a fun tour of the facility, and a nicely flowing conversation, I would say that the prospect of a summer internship there is very promising.

Now (because I believe in posting depressing material) the only thing that depresses me this week is the art student's blog (mentioned below). The blog itself is filled with good news (from a reader's perspective). She seems to have found someone that makes her absolutely crazy/torn up with "love" (whatever it is), upon which I congratulate her.
What makes it depressing is that the blog, along with half of facebook, seems to be quite taken with being in a relationship, or at the very least, courting someone. I have tried for years to woo, always failing miserably.

I say that not to ask for your sympathy. I don't really need it, and honestly wouldn't know what to do with it if I did have it. I say that to place into context why I'm not jumping up and down with happiness and joy in this upcoming year.

And now if you will excuse me, I think that I'll forget about my sorrows in one of Paul Verhoeven's films. Other film recommendations are welcome either by email or via the comments on this website.

Blogging is Good for the Soul

2010-12-02T02:42:00.002-05:00

At the beginning of the term, I met a very cool art student. I am not sure if it is the fact that she is a freshman, or that she is a ginger, or that she somehow seems to have surpassed my maturity so easily and suffers the same life-problems that I do, that gets my blood riled up. She has been a very good friend to me since we met, despite the fact that we haven't seen much of each other.

Near the beginning of the term, I found out that she keeps a blog (found here). Or, more to the truth, she has re-started to blog. Being an avid fan of women (and yes, hoping to figure out how they think), I decided that it would be a good read. I've even surprised myself with how much I keep up with her through it.

But more to the point, I am most certainly in awe of how her life's struggles seem to mirror my own, despite the fact that she is a handful of years my junior. She makes some well stated arguments, and I even find myself admiring some of the advice that her blog offers. I wish that my own life's experiences could help me to guide her, but I believe that she is doing quite well on her own.

So, here's to you, Master of the aesthetic form! May you live in good health, and may you find a way to truly feel alive.

Conflict of Interest

2010-11-22T23:25:00.004-05:00

I sit, trying to forget the past for the present, forgetting the present for the future. It seems silly to me, trying to forget the past. That is where we learn the struggles and lessons that define us, define our character. ...Still, I try to forget. The past is where I've been hurt.

The present hurts a little, but not quite as badly. The present I can stand; I anticipate the small pains of the future. I can prepare for those, especially as I grow in perspective of the past.

As the times change from the present to the past, the future to the present, so too, do I change. I grow, and I learn.

I begin to take charge of my life. As I become diverted in my gaze, I find more and more daftness in the idea. Currently, (as always,) my eye rests on a new beauty within the university where I study. She seems to have rejected me, as she has not returned my correspondence. Why I can not seem to put her past me, as is sensible in such situation, I cannot grasp. It defies logic.

But, by Truth, she is beautiful! Why can I not see how to make this so? Perhaps I should try harder to keep to my promise of moving on.

You Fucking Cunts

2010-11-10T23:26:00.004-05:00

I asked you to define a feminist. You told me that it was a person that believed women deserve equal rights as men. Psh. Why the hell should that happen? You act like women are worthy of such things. But hey, if you want to believe that women are people, go right ahead. Don't expect me to buy into your bullshit. I don't believe it.

...I've been too hurt in the past to want to give you women anymore opportunity to hurt me again.

Hell, as much as I joke about men being worthless pieces of shit that aren't worth their weight in sand, I'll never really believe it. Men dominate too much, and their sheer size means that they will continue to for quite some time to come.

You may ask me why I believe women aren't worth anything, truly, and I'll tell you that it's because they just don't know any better. You are the one that keeps telling me that both you AND your boyfriend don't like our red-headed friend's boyfriend because he's abusive. We all know that she won't get out of that relationship of her own accord. Her ignorance and stupidity isn't exemplified in just one case....it can be applied many times over to see just how women don't deserve such rights as voting (seeing as how they'd vote abusive men into power).

But still, you go ahead carrying on like women deserve rights. We'll see how far that gets you in life. I still don't believe it. Fucking cunt.

Operation: Coarse Wood

2010-10-20T19:35:00.002-04:00

This message is classified SECRET. It is not to be shared with others outside of the organization.

As of 1901 hours, 20 October 2010, Operation: Coarse Wood is in effect.

We will now commence your debriefing of Operation: City Two. City Two was designed as a low-budget reconnaissance mission to gather intelligence on a target of high importance. These ends were to be achieved through any means considered necessary. Agents made contact with intermediaries who were "very close" with the target. The agents befriended the intermediaries as a way to get closer to the target, which succeeded. The intermediaries came to trust the agents quite well, and still believe in the connection of friendship with the agents. The target, despite her wary confidences, slowly began to divulge information of great use. Approximately seven weeks into the mission, the agents confronted the target when she was alone. The agents, through technicalities in protocol, established their intentions, and the target voiced her thoughts and reactions. They were negative. Three weeks later, in a more semi-public setting, the agents confronted the target again to be sure of the intended outcome, and at the insistence of one of the intermediaries. The results were the same: negative.
At approximately 1930 hours on 18 October 2010, High Command brought in a consultant on the issue, who gave guidance regarding the results of the mission. Command decided to scrub the mission.

Currently, the agents are being withdrawn from the field and being debriefed individually. With the initiation of Coarse Wood, the Special Agent-in-charge will confront the target before 30 October 2010, as the last of the agents are withdrawn. The Special Agent-in-charge will inform the target of the upcoming actions, and the Special Agent will sever ties with the intermediaries. Resources will be withdrawn and sent back into the General Fund, as controlled by the Office of Finances. Probes will be occasionally sent (no less than once per quarter, nor no more than four times per quarter) via tertiary channels inquiring about the target, as the information that she and her acquaintances (the intermediaries) holds might prove to be useful in subsequent missions, though this outcome is not likely.
The Special Agent-in-charge is not to maintain contact any longer than is necessary to inform the target, not exceeding any total length of time beyond one hour. The Special Agent may inform the intermediaries if he so desires, but this is also included in the one hour total time limit. The Special Agent is ordered to inform the primary intermediaries if and only if they inquire.
Retrieval squads are to be standing by for extraction of the Special Agent. The radio frequency on the CRM-114 is to be: OPE. The distress call for the Special Agent is "'Nevermore' quoth the raven." Live rounds are not to be used in the process of this operation.

As per operational protocol, complaints and requests are to be sent through the Office of Professional Management, Department of Human Resources.

This message is classified SECRET. It is not to be shared with others outside of the organization.

Silence

2010-10-16T15:51:00.003-04:00

For those that wonder why I'm often silent when I'm around my friends, here is why:

There is a moderately attractive young lady in my Psychology course this term. Within the past day or two, I finally got around to sending a Facebook friend request, which she accepted. I asked her what her major was, and it lead into a short conversation that seemed tense. Perhaps it was the discussion on grades and classes, or just the arse-hole way that I tend to be when I talk to women. Either way, she rounds out the conversation by asking why I'm so interested in her education and her major. I respond with an honest answer, which is what I would assume most people would want: "I find you attractive and it makes me curious about you. I'll cease with the discourse on academia, if you'd prefer?"

If we had held the conversation face to face, I am sure that I would witness her not be able to run away quickly enough. This is typical for me, sadly. At the present moment, she is still listed as a friend on Facebook, but that might change.

I think back to friends and family that often tell me that I should "express myself" and "speak my mind." Well, dear friends, I have. Now, look at what became of it.

So, you ask why I am often quiet in the presence of others? It is because I fear the outcome of speaking my mind, driving people away. Instead, I stand in silence, calculating reasonable responses to enquires about my silence whilst attempting to figure out good, solid reasons as to why I like the girl in the first place.

(For added irony, "No Good Deed" from the Wicked soundtrack is playing as I type this.)

Beauty, Destruction, Perfection

2010-10-03T03:14:00.004-04:00

I am about to break Tyler Durden's rules # 1 & 2. Fuck him.

For anyone that has seen the movie Fight Club, we all would recognize the line "I just felt like destroying something beautiful" after the Narrator beats the shit out of the blond guy.

This being said, finding the beauty in destruction is an easy task. Why else, for instance, would demolitions experts continue to stand around and watch their master work? It is a beautiful sight to see. Seeing the beauty in destruction is easy.

But I began to think in that dangerous mind frame of mine again. What is there to see if we change that phrase around? Can you see the destruction in beauty? Or, a possibly more important question, is there destruction in beauty?

I answer with a resounding YES! Assuming that all of my readers live in the States, or that most of my readers are from/have an understanding of a Western culture, we clearly see the overemphasis of beauty in marketing and adverts of all times. The only time that you will likely see an "ugly" person on your telivision is when a product makes someone "beautiful." Now, we have all been taught that "beauty" is in the eye of the beholder, and that "beauty" is a good thing, something to strive for. What we have never been taught, however, is the cost of "beauty." American marketing firms push and push to promote the idea that thin is beauty and that being thin is one of the ultimate goals in life for the female populous. But I urge you to look around. How many have you known that developed eating disorders in their attempts to fit in with this ridiculous notion of "beauty"?

This leans heavily on the idea of stereotypes, as well. Perhaps it is only the shows and commercials that I personally have seen, but I do not recall many black ladies as fitting "into the mold" of "beauty." Thus far, I recall strictly seeing the young white girl, or the light-skinned black girl, as the only ideal. Are not the black women just as pretty? The white supremacist have taken over the direction where our society's ideas go; it sickens me.

But it is not fair to merely limit the concept of "beauty" to the physical, that which is shown through some predetermined gene. We must also consider the behaviors of women. "Beautiful" women are never shown as being happy in life. They are always in some struggle to improve their social status... usually through equal rights. Go ahead and count the number of films that you have seen in the past six months that (paraphrased) include a line or a monologue that has the woman demand the man see her as an equal. But this contradicts the other stereotype that men have of women as either a) needing to be saved from some peril, or b) being weak which allows them to fall into the arms of a man to find love. Can we seriously expect that a woman who has sex with multiple partners will understand the concept of love and finally feel "beautiful" because she has screwed the "right guy"? Hardly.

This being said, I have nothing against others enjoying themselves and/or sleeping around. But to think that a woman being "easy" makes her "beautiful" to men sickens me.

What, then, is "beauty" if it cannot be defined through stereotypes and false advertisements? Is it not the girl on the sidelines who never has to go through the character flaws that we see in our heroes/heroines? Personally, I find the sidekick to be more attractive than the heroine that the movie or television show centers around. Granted, the sidekick does not quite have the depth that the heroine has, as we do not see the sidekick as much, nor do we know her back story. But perhaps it is this that redeems her? Since we only know what is directly revealed, we can be free to see the sidekick as beautiful because of this aura of mystery around her. Maybe that is what beauty truly is: the freedom of getting to know someone not based on their physicality but through their character traits like loyalty and humor. I would argue that is what makes a perfect girl. Not her outer "beauty," but her inner beauty.

Where is Home? What is Home?

2010-10-03T02:41:00.004-04:00

This past weekend, my mother retrieved me from university to take me home. So, I went. It is the same house that I have resided in for the past thirteen years, with the same occupants. And yet, it was unsettling to realize that it did not feel like I was home. I had merely come back to my parents' house.

The Friday of this weekend, I went "home" to the junior college that I began my post-secondary studies at. For most of the time that I was there, I had always joked that it was my "home" because of how much time I spent there. I was almost surprised at how exactly like a real home it felt to go back to. Sure, I did not have a couch to crash on or a refrigerator to raid, but I had returned home to family. There is nothing quite like that feeling. ...At least, I have yet to run across it in my many years.

Part of what is unsettling about the incident to me is that I've only ever felt like that one time before. Years ago, I would delude myself into thinking that I held some sort of a relationship with an attractive young lady that I alluded to several times in most of my early posts. I cannot remember the name that I wrote for her, but I believe that she goes by "Torikabuto" at times. The point of it is that during the end of my secondary school career, I was allowed to spend a day with her. We ended up walking through a bit of the downtown area of the city where she lived, and her mother came to pick us up when we were finished. As we arrived back at Torikabuto's house (where I had parked my car), I felt an odd sense of peace wash over me as I approached the house.

It feels odd to remember such long-lost memories as that in the simple act of going back to my first college. ...Two places that I've every felt totally at ease...only one of which I may return to. It makes me question what makes us call "home" our home. Is it merely returning to a familiar house at some marked interval? Or perhaps it is not so much a specific location as it is spending time with those whose company we enjoy. The second option doesn't fit into many stereotypes about going "home," but I think that we can forgive that for the sake of argument.

I propose, at the very least, that it is a question that deserves some attention?

Philosophy is Dead

2010-09-22T21:51:00.003-04:00

I feel bland. Actually, reascend that. My apathy prevents me from feeling anything.

I begin wondering if the cost is worth the benefits. Specifically, I seem not to be very focused in school, and it feels pointless to waste my parents' money on my education if all that I am going to do is wander around and kill time. Since I am human, one of my driving desires is companionship. And if fulfillment of this is my primary goal, then I should be doing this somewhere else, preferably in a cheaper environment.

But, if I am required to give up something in my life, it would be the promise of a mutual companion in exchange for having a passionate, burning desire/drive....for anything. I cannot sense that I am either good for anything, or that I am convicted enough to fight for a cause. This cannot continue. There must be a drive in each of our lives that keeps us going; right now, I feel its absence.

Lazy Sunday in a Boring Town...Remains Lazy and Boring

2010-09-20T00:13:00.002-04:00

There are about five members of the stage crew for the production that my school has just finished. Today, in this boring town, on this lazy Sunday afternoon, I tried to pick a fight with each and every one of them. I have nothing against them, it's just that I need to learn how to fight. This would be a valuable skill, no?
But apparently, this "emo" behavior causes a loss of friends. Who ever knew that self-defacing behavior drives people away? I will need to remember not to attempt to pick fights with fellow students if I wish to keep my friends here.

On an unrelated note, I came back to my "home" after the day's work, and began thinking about juxtapositions. Oddly enough, I find that alcohol has always lived well with mankind, and is in a number of sayings in the English language. "Wine and cheese," "steak and beer," and "brandy and a cigar" are among the top spots in my mind. Obviously, the English and their rebel colonists have a strong love of alcohol.

She's Dangerous, Man

2010-09-10T09:48:00.002-04:00

Thus far, I have spent the majority of my week with the theatre girl from the post below. She's fun to hang around with, but I come to find that she and I have very little to talk about other than people and stupid drunk stories. It doesn't leave me with a sense of hope for mankind, rather a despairing sense of dread that she isn't used to men being nice and kind to her. What sort of world is this that I've found my way into?

Friends from the theatre advise me against hanging out with her because she has done some stupid, ignorant things, including arrests. My friends have a point in that I cannot afford to throw my life away on that. This has to end, and it will when the week does.

Life Improves

2010-09-08T05:24:00.002-04:00

Life seems to be fairly happy with me right now. I am pleased by this, actually.

Weeks ago, I screwed up a chance to ask out a moderately attractive theatre girl. She's spunky and energetic, and just generally fun to be around. But apparently she does not like to hear my beliefs that "all women simply intend to hurt men." *shrug* Life goes on...

...and on, straight into another splendid week (see "Sweet Simplicity"). It is a short week, thanks to some various bank holiday that I don't keep track of. So, therefore, school began on a Tuesday.
I have fairly mundane classes on Tuesday/Thursday, but I end the day with Theatre Appreciation, where I chose the applied option track to actively get my hands involved in the production. I go into the theatre class today and notice that my day became much more, uh, joyful seems to fit the description. Why? you ask. There is a young lady in the theatre that is not very involved (not the one mentioned above), but is enough so that people know her name; plus, she is in my theatre class. So, we work in the theatre shop (remember, this is the applied option, we actually do something during class time), go to a mandatory meeting after, and she, I, and a handful of other students walk over to the game room. The young lady and I play a couple games of pool (she won 2/3) and then I took her to dinner on campus.

[This is where life turns interesting. *The following story leaves out "minor" details.]

After dinner, we get to talking, and decide that then would be the perfect time to go fix a tattoo of hers. Neither of us having cars, we do the next best thing: we walk to this "tattoo-man" 's house. So, we chill there with the tattoo guy and some other random people for a couple hours, and some chick drives up in a car. She, apparently, is good friends with the rest of them, which must have been how the theatre girl and I caught a ride practically all over town. We eventually run across some other random guys at a gas station when we stop to buy more cigarettes. The guys invite the girls in the car to some party at their house. After some more time randomly driving around town, the group in the car decide to go to the party, where we just generally "chill" for a couple hours. Then, we start dropping people off at their homes, because it is now about 0330 hours (and the theatre girl and I have spent about 12 hours together now). When it is time to leave the theatre girl, she and I get out of the car. Being close to the college's campus, I decide to start walking. She persuades me to get back into the car and let her friends drop me off at my dorm. Before I get in, however, I make a comment about how she's being "difficult" (jokingly, of course), and she initiates a hug. As we slowly pull apart, she leans back in to peck me on the cheek. Then I get into the car, and she goes inside the house.

I see that the past twelve hours have been good to me, indeed, with that last minute and a half being incredibly worthwhile.

Sweet Simplicity

2010-09-08T05:23:00.001-04:00

I woke up today.

Today is a good day.

A New Environment Does Not Necessarily Mean A New Character

2010-08-28T00:57:00.002-04:00

Apparently, I habitualize rapidly. I might even venture a guess and say that the entire process takes about seven continuous/consecutive days until I'm habitualized. But I've always been this way, albeit not always so rapidly.

As a young child, I easily grew bored in school, and with new objects in my possession. Now, I habitulize easily with people. Which really sucks, because I would often develop a new crush on a female, and within two weeks it was approximately half as intense as it was when it began.

Now, I fear that the same is true, but on a shorter time span. Already, in the three weeks of the new term, I've met a Swede (who has absolutely no interest in even giving me the time of day now, thank you very much); a fairly attractive redheaded art student who is cordial enough to give me the time of day, but won't go out of her way to speak to me; and a hyper-energetic dramatic arts major(ette). I'm most upset about the theatre major, but she is working through some sort of "proximity issue" where, with time, I hope that she is familiar enough with my presence that we can at least stand/sit near each other. She is an interesting girl, and if nothing else, she could possibly be a good friend of mine.

But then, part of this is probably one of those lessons where I am supposed to learn that mere infatuation cannot support any sort of relationship, only "flings" (as kids these days call them). So, as the infatuational urge wears down, it gives way to the opportunity to actually get to know her, learn about her, her likes and dislikes, and actually build up a relationship the way that it is supposed to be built.

Beauty, perhaps?

2010-08-28T00:44:00.002-04:00

Audience,

Think of a rose, any colour. Now, let's work with that mental image of yours.

Stereotypically:
Women: "Awwww... That's so pretty! He really cares."

Men: "Shit, that little thing costs a ton of money! She better be worth it."

It's the same concept: a rose. Most of the people that I know would say that a rose/bouquet of roses is/are pretty.
I tend to remember the thorns a little more than most, however. Heck, thorns are popular. "A thorn in my side," or Poison's song "Every Rose Has Its Thorn."

Personally, I find some solace in the fact that, to some extent or another, beauty hurts. Now, I have no great metaphysical meaning beyond that, but I thought that at least someone out there might enjoy hearing that lesson of mine.

No Longer Lost; Rather, Found

2010-07-12T14:51:00.002-04:00

I am stronger than I think myself to be.

I see myself as talking too much.

But, besides that, as I see it, I've received everything that I've wanted for so long: friends, companionship, etc.
Yes, having not seen her (Protector) in close to a month hurts, but I cherish the time that I had. After all, that's really all that I ever wanted.

As always, I am and will continue to remain alive and well.

Alone and Strong

2010-06-28T01:40:00.004-04:00

Regarding the last post, neither I nor my friend who wrote the redhead ever received a reply. We have come to the consensus that she is/was fake.

I am tired. I have a final for my summer term class in approximately eight hours, forty-five minutes. I haven't studied, nor have I completed the last writing assignment. I continuously blow off the work in a misguided hope that the work will simply go away. (Obviously, it does not.)

I sit here, in the dark (it's 0145 hours local, everywhere is dark at this time), wondering just what it is that I have done that irritated her (Protector). I thought that we were doing just fine. Summer classes started, things began to slow down, and I saw less and less of her. Eventually, I didn't see her at all. Then the phone calls ceased. At this point, it's been about two weeks since I've spoken with her beyond the point of "Are you free?" "No." "I'll call back later then."

The last six times that her name appears in my call log, it is as an outgoing call. Don't get me wrong, I'm all for the old-fashioned relationship (boy calls the girl, etc). But this is getting ridiculous. Perhaps I'm just not reading this correctly. I know that she works days (0800 or 0900 to about 1700 or 1800) and she has a night class from 2000 to 2200. I have classes from 0830 hours to approximately 1530 hours, and a night class from 1800 to 2000 at the latest. Perhaps she's just too busy right now for me? That should clear up around the end of July when classes terminate, I suppose.

Of course, there's always the option of the last time that I saw her. I just randomly decided to show up at her house on a day that I knew she was off of work. I enjoyed seeing her, I even brought her some flowers (carnations I believe, which she says are her favorites), and we went to the moving picture show. But thinking back on it, just randomly showing up either makes me seem clingy/needy or just plain crazy and/or that I'm a stalker. Both options are bad, so I'm quite hesitant to do that again. ....But then again, if I don't, when is the next time that I'll see her? I just have no idea. And I HATE it. I absolutely despise this feeling (of thinking that I'm in a relationship but being told by all the classic indicators that I'm not) with a great burning passion.

Perhaps that's just what I deserve though? I would have classified myself for eighteen and a half years as having been the traditional "nice guy." You know, the one that always gets screwed over because he's "too nice to date" or something of the like. I feel that I've slowly changed out of that role, and this is my punishment for that. It's a cruel Divine joke, that the first month of my first ever relationship is spectacular beyond all belief, and the rest of it is like having someone stab my heart every day and stomp on my balls (and not in that kinky sexual way)...just to watch me squirm. What a great joke, huh? F**king fantastic. *Shouting to the Heavens* Thanks, God! 'Preciate it.

For me, the worst part is probably knowing that I could have had a better relationship earlier in my life (2-3 earlier, perhaps) if I hadn't been so shallow about such vain things as the girl having to wear glasses or her living an hour away from me. The girl then was fantastic, and I was just an ass. Maybe I should have shown her more kindness, and hopefully that would have prevented her from having a child out of wedlock... I'll never know.

I always knew that I would end up alone in the world. I never expected to get married, or hell, even to date for that matter. I learned from an early age that Disney lied, and that life would be full of more heartaches and heartbreaks than was worth it; I even knew that it would be painful beyond belief. But I never expected this to hurt this much. In case you've decided to keep reading through my rant to this point, I see all of this as the reason that I never wanted to date/be in a relationship.

I have become much too biased in my opinions. As I'm in a relationship, the girl can do no wrong. In general, all men are assholes and the scum of the earth. But apparently, my biased opinions aren't enough to get her to like me again. So, I must resolve to keep strong and go about my business with a chiseled face. I must never let anyone know how much she has hurt me, nor will I let it become evident. I will be strong, showing perseverance in all situations, because hey, we're men and we are strong. Like Marines, semper fi, do or die, and all that jazz. And if you're ever around my place and you hear weeping in sorrow, just ignore it. It's only a broken man trying desperately to hide the last few fragments of his shame from the world.

Letter to a Redhead

2010-06-14T01:25:00.002-04:00

Greetings and salutations.

Those that are bored have many avenues to rid themselves of that boredom. Some will inevitably turn to reading personal ads to laugh at the absurdity of their desperation. Thus, I ran across an personal advert in a classifieds web site for an attractive young redhead. As she described herself in the title, she is indeed "cute." Please do not misunderstand; I am still very much devoted to Protector. However, I just could not understand why such an attractive young lady would find herself in need of turning to personal adverts, so I sent her an electronic message, which is posted below:

"Hi, I'm Karasu (I honestly do have a name, which I used, but am not posting here. Surely most of you already know who I am.).

I read your post the first day that you posted it, then I sat back for *calculates time* ....about 14 days and tried to figure out why you would possibly want to be in a relationship.

Now, granted, I'm one of the few guys that understands that men are infinitely inferior to women, but I just don't understand your reasoning. Guys (most of the ones that post on craigslist) usually turn out to be boys, honestly. That, and I've always seen boys as rude, selfish, unclean/unkempt, boisterous, and just plain ugly. The gay men usually aren't so bad, but hey, they're gay and don't often get in relationships with young ladies such as yourself.

I know that my reasons are biased, and for that, I'm sorry. But I also see that your advertisement is correct in that you are a rather attractive young lady. This also entices my curiosity as to why you feel that you should/need to rely on craigslist for a date/boyfriend. Surely there are plenty of guys at work or your university that hit on you to an annoying degree? Perhaps that is not your style. In that case, I find that some young ladies can turn to their friends to set them up with some nice guy (a.k.a. personal/casual networking).

Now, this is merely what I could think of. This may or may not be truthful, and I was hoping that you would be kind enough to enlighten me to your objectives with this post.

If not, then I appreciate you taking the time to read this e-mail anyway.

Have an enjoyable day, and best of luck with the ads,

Karasu"

A link to the advert is provided below to place the letter in context:

http://tinyurl.com/letter-to-a-redhead

Sometimes, personal adverts can be entertaining. I'm curious about the response, if I receive one.

Silly Mortal Concern

2010-06-04T00:52:00.002-04:00

I am worried. I do hate to admit this, but it is so.

Classes are the logical first answer to the question "About what?" that you might ask. Negative. My scholastics are doing surprisingly well, albeit three days into the term.

It's about Protector (naturally). Today was probably the worst that I've heard about since finals last Spring. She was sunburned due to working outside today, she fell and hit her head, and she has only eaten once as of the time that I called her. I find that to be horrid news.

But just as bad is the thought that perhaps my relationship is hitting a plateau and becoming a relation-shit. I do hate that. Perhaps it's merely because I am tired. I hope that it is something that simple. Our dates have become much more sporadic, and I miss seeing her on a regular basis. We still have several things planned to do together, don't get me wrong. I just don't get to see her as often as I'd like (meaning twice a day for eight hours at a time). I fear that I am running out of things to converse with her about. After all, asking about each other's day will only carry one so far.

....I just worry.

This is silly and mortal to do. I am better than this. My friends have called me a god before. Gods are better than this. I will not let this affect me so. I will breach the subject with her on Tuesday, and speak of it no more.

Nigh Perfection

2010-06-01T10:46:00.005-04:00

I had mentioned a couple of posts earlier that time is fluid. I'm not really sure how to take that. I suppose that I could begin deriving equations for entering Slipstream space via Shaw-Fujikawa Translight generators, but that would take time that I cannot invest. Needless to say, thus, that the statement, in this context, only means that my life seems to have a constant dynamic change every so often, and that the events within my biography are quite docile and static.

Classes have ceased since the beginning of May, thus giving me several weeks to enjoy the company of friends. Summer terms begins immediately (meaning tomorrow), thereby keeping my life fairly static because I must attend class lectures. My friends all seem to be well, aside from issues with companion's parents and whatnot. However, that's part of being in a relationship, is it not?

I am well pleased that my latest eye examination shows my eyesight has not deteriorated. It is fairly close to "perfect" actually.

To elaborate on the "dynamic change" described earlier, I report that I have indeed found myself a companion. She is the first person that I can say that I have dated. I admit that it is an unusual feeling to find myself in a relationship. Those that know her describe her as both "crazy" and "a pistol." The former I comprehend, the latter, not so much. She does indeed seem quite energetic and high-spirited, but there are times when she decreases her energy output to acceptable, even docile, levels. Absolutely amazing, I must admit.

At the time of this post, we have been on approximately five dates and have been dating for three days, six hours shy of one month. I am utterly flabbergasted that within that time-frame, we have moved to a fairly comfortable stage that I believed would only be achieved no sooner than three to four months into a relationship.

Sadly, I do believe that I speak too much of her to my friends, and I worry that I become bothersome to them regarding it. I must remember that I can not speak solely of her to them.

To the opposite hand, she (her presence) has done wonders for me. Throughout my life, I have been a tad "obsessed" (understatement) with persons of the female sex. I thoroughly believe that the time between my junior year of secondary school and the third term of university was the most focused point of that obsession. Since I've met the girl that I'm dating, I would believe myself to have drastically decreased my attentions for other persons of the female sex. Now, this means nothing, seeing as how this has neither been observed by others (that I am aware of), nor has it been confirmed by others. This feeling of "puppy love" for the girl that I am dating seems to have calmed my psyche a tad, and I am quite grateful. For those that are curious, or know her, (or both, I suppose) she is the one known as Protector, who has been introduced in earlier posts.

Otherwise in life, I have become unemployed (again) since my work as a tutor was only for the standard scholastic year which recently terminated. Had the institute where I work had the funds for summer operations, I would ask to work then. However, I can not.

I am quite excited by the chance to move on to a senior university come the Fall term, but I am sad that I will not be able to see the girl that I am dating as often (Yes, I am aware that I am quite "cling-y." Our goodbyes alone last 20-30 minutes.) or, as rumor has it, that I will not have a vehicle for my use once I move. Two minor prices to pay for a uni degree, I suppose.

I cannot think of other updates at the current time.

Nothing of Substance

2010-04-26T01:59:00.003-04:00

This is a quick update, hopefully to tide you over until I have time for a proper update.

I'm quite hard headed; especially regarding how I still have not fully learned to leave other people to their own devices. This is evident by my acquaintanceship with an attractive secondary school student up North (somewhere or other). 4chan has become a focal point of conversation for me recently, for some odd reason. Anyway, we met on the /adv/ board and became friends. I foolishly began offering my inexperienced advice on how she could go about attracting a certain male friend of hers. This failed, for one reason or another, and she soon turned her thoughts to a student a grade ahead of her. I've advised her as much as I know how, hoping that it has/will do some good for her.

I have not heard of the results, other than the older boy that she has a crush on does not have a car, which makes extracurricular involvement difficult.

One day, I wish to be as lucky as this boy that she is attracted to.

Friendship Destroyed and Salvaged

2010-03-21T01:39:00.002-04:00

They get along extremely well. It hit a rocky start because of differences in their personalities. But, they've talked about it, and they're going to make it work. I am sincerely happy for them, and I hope that it works out as well.

But this is my problem with it: it's going to work out. I've already talked with all involved parties, and we've all made very clear that the three of us are going to remain friends regardless. They claim that each of them worry about me. I have repeatedly told them that I've bounced back from much more difficult situations before, and yet they ignore that. I am not sure what I have to do to convince them otherwise. It's not like I'm going to kill myself. I've already told her that I c/wouldn't go through with it. She hit me after I said that.

But to more clearly illustrate the issue, she's his girl. Not mine, nor will she ever be. And I need to stop thinking that it would ever be possible, because it won't be. She's let this be known a million times before. I just choose not to accept it.

So, yesterday, during a break in a day-long celebration that I was attending, I go to visit her (since she's closest) to apologize for acting like an arse over the past week. We go for a walk, and talk a good deal about me, platonic friendships, and how I can put myself in one. I believe that it went well, and hopefully I've fixed whatever problems I've created between her and myself. Then, I called him. I apologized to him as well. We talked for a short while, and I explained that I was an idiot, I screwed up, and now I hope that he and I are cool like we once were.

The coming week will let me know what will happen.

Spring Break 2010

2010-03-20T00:39:00.002-04:00

Fuck people.

Addendum: I am quickly learning the hard lesson of not meddling in other people's lives. Sadly, I'll probably still inquire, but I will try my damnest not to meddle.

Skipping Stones on a Pond of Time

2010-03-15T01:07:00.003-04:00

I sit, eating rhubarb pie (look it up, Johnny Rebel), thinking how different my life is from even a semester ago. Sure, I'm still [describe physical characteristics], but I'm not who I am. I was the suck-up in class, the "teacher's pet" if you will. In the past three weeks, I've attended as many classes as I've skipped. I've taken my own advice on "This is college. If you don't want to go to class, don't." It's freeing- to a degree.

Club activities don't change much. Things seem to have slowed down these past two or three weeks. Mandatory "furlough" day imposed by the state has shut down my school on Monday, preventing me from going to my Psychology classes. However, the SGAs across the state have organized a rally at the state's capital against the budget cuts. This shall be fun.

After my early morning doctor's appointment, I'll hurry down to a hole-in-the-wall town next to my college to pick up a friend, then rush up the interstate to pick up another friend before descending on the rally with many other students.

In the past week, several schoolmates and friends have commented to me about my blog. I am quite pleasantly surprised that I have such a large following. Years ago when I began, I never thought that it would be more than a friend or two.

I've at least made friends with the art major mentioned earlier. This is much further than I thought that I'd get given my past, which is only another way to prove to myself that times change. She is beginning to challenge my religious beliefs, and I'm thrilled by this. Beliefs, without challenge, lead to a blind following. I am coming to learn a lot about myself through her.

Years ago, I remember liking only alternative and rock music. My tastes have changed slightly, developed, grown.... It's enjoyable to sit listening to Nat Cole swing a hip beat next to me.

Time is fluid.

Is It Rosencrantz or Guildenstern That Is A Strumpet?

2010-03-10T00:58:00.004-05:00

Today, I was called something which I never thought would be an adjective to use against me.

Hahahahahahahahahahah.

I feel that the evidence of my metamorphosis is becoming quite evident. I only wish that I could change from the "nice guy" that I've always been to a more complete jerk quickly so that I would know how to not care about others. I look about and see many jerks who have very profitable lives, and I envy them.

Defeat is a Different Kind of Victory

2010-03-07T23:08:00.003-05:00

I feel defeated, and I'm thrilled.

Mark me, I shall explain. "Go to," I'm sure you're screaming at me to do. Thus:

In regards to the last post, I withdrew from the class I feared I would fail from sheer ignorance. This is the first class that I've ever withdrawn from, so I feel quite defeated that I wasn't able to complete a "project" or "assignment" if you will. But, I shan't fail the course, so I am pleased.

Like most (good) engineers, I try to have a backup plan, and I try to build in redundancies where I can. Sadly, this is not easy when it regards people, but I still try. To this respect, my social circles are quite large in terms of diameter, and often do not overlap. This is quite helpful, as I try to woo a female from two circles at a time, hoping that if one attempt fails, there is still chance at another. Lately, I spent the month of February trying to woo one particular young lady which has already been introduced as Protector. The backup was an art major. The art major was easy to understand: she has no interest in a boyfriend. The first was not so easy. However, I believe that after a month of trying, I finally understand that she neither has interest in me.

I'm ecstatic about this because it means that I no longer have to worry about how to woo someone and sway their interests in my favour. No longer do I have to waste my time. And I finally will move along.

Other forms of defeat that are of note in my life elude my conscience at the moment, although I am sure that they are quite non-existent. So, for now, I just have the two victories. What a good day.

Ignorance

2010-02-28T11:59:00.003-05:00

I sit here in my house, procrastinating from doing my homework because I find it uninteresting. As I sit here, I realise a handful of things. Firstly, I am somewhat tired from the volunteer work that I did yesterday, and I'd much rather not have Hamlet rehearsals Tuesday. It would be nice just to sit and relax with friends.

Secondly, I am coming to believe that I will most likely fail at least two classes this term. One out of sheer ignorance of the material, the second for failing to complete the assigned tasks. And I am OK with failing the first class.

Thirdly, I saw Protector again yesterday for the first time in a week. We made peace about our disagreement, and then she spritzed me with some sort of perfume. Now, a day later, I still smell of the perfume. While it is irritating to smell like perfume, I enjoy it because it reminds me of all of the good of yesterday.

Fourthly, my personal co-ordinating skills are absolute crap. I cannot manage to arrange a meeting between myself and friends to save my life. I can't recall the last time that I saw Protector before yesterday, and I highly doubt that I can convince her to leave school with me to go for a walk in the park anytime later this week. I have also tried to meet with another friend that was introduced to me by my theatre director. I have had no luck with that, either, despite the fact that she knows more and more about me.

Fifthly, I am a horribly pathetic man. I lack several of the "manly" qualities that I am supposed to have, like physical strength, interest in American football, etc. The aforementioned, as well as the fact that I will openly admit to several emotions, such as the fact that I miss seeing and being with Protector when I am not with her.

Sixthly and finally, I know and understand nothing about women. It is a horribly terrifying thought to me, and one that I hope that I will never have to live with for long. If you need an example, I remember that Protector told me something that I simply do not understand yesterday, nor does anyone that I asked about it.

Another example is how some women like chocolate, and others do not. I'll never understand that.

Enlightenment

2010-02-15T10:03:00.002-05:00

My latest history exam was on the Enlightenment. I feel that I adequately BS-ed my way to at least a high "F" score.

On a more personal note, I was enlightened that Protector is not appreciative of my excessive excitability and/or (mostly the and) clingy-ness. Therefore, I will work on calming down, and not being so clingy. I make no promises about reducing my envy, however.

Repentance

2010-02-05T23:31:00.002-05:00

Surprisingly, my theorized trajectory for my life seems to have repented toward the positive.

Without regard to the odd commentary post from a schoolmate on the entry below, I'm well pleased with this turn of events. Lectures pass along uneventfully, and club activities are more numerous. In fact, the science club will be going on a field trip to a local aquarium today, 6 February. Having been three or four times within the past two years to this particular aquarium, I'm not exactly ecstatic about going on the trip. What excites me is the fact that I'll be bringing along a new friend (who shall be referred to by the French meaning of her name, "to protect," thus she is Protector) with me. She is incredibly attractive, somewhat witty, perfectly cynical, Libertarian, and [insert list of other positive qualities]. What's more, she actually seems interested in me. Body language, body position (in relation to my position), general eye contact, etc. indicate that she seems to have the same level of interest in me that I have in her, and other people that I spend time with (my boss, "Snakes" namely) have commented on it (and the comments tend to be positive and encouraging).
I am pleased with this.

Rehearsals are sailing along. While it seems that our Hamlet struggles with the vocabulary of the time, he is not the only actor to have those problems, and he compensates with sheer dedication.

And I met an architecture student this week. She lives in the next town over, and seems interesting, if not bored in class. Depending on whether or not she goes into civil engineering, I might ask her to design my "dream house." (Imagine antebellum, sheltered by several acres of woods, at least two stories.)

I've met many new students in the past week, and properly assimilated them into my network. Several have already benefited from my vast knowledge of the school and its personnel.

That's all that I can think would be different. If I ever decide to quit procrastinating, I'll work on a deviancy project for Sociology. And if you're lucky, dear reader, I'll write about it here.

Dubious

2010-02-02T01:33:00.004-05:00

Apparently, I attempt to fulfill Maslow's third tier of his infamous hierarchy with busyness. I replace my need of love with slight gratitude taken from many in my in-numerous activities at my university.
Of course, this also prevents me from feeling lonely, or rested, for that matter. But I'm OK with this, as I'd much rather feel nothing than a gnawing pain from a lack of fulfillment of Maslow's third tier.
Perhaps it would help you follow my flow of consciousness if I were to enlighten you:
On Mondays and Wednesdays, I arrive at uni at around 0730 hours, and begin instructional lectures at 0800 hours. With 0015 hour intervals between classes (slightly enough time to go to the WC and squeeze into the next lecture hall), I continue until 1345 hours. On Mondays, I work as a writing tutor at 1400 hours. Usually on Wednesdays, I'm also in the writing centre, volunteering to take on extra sessions at no cost. However, with the starting up of clubs again for the term, that will soon cease. My shift officially ends at 1600 hours, and I usually leave around 1610 hours to 1615 hours. From there, I have two hours to do whatever, which I usually spend eating for the first time that day. At 1800 hours, students gather for the theatre rehearsals, which run until roughly 2200 hours to no later than 2230 hours. Once rehearsals are completed, I make my one hour ten minute commute home.
On Tuesdays and Thursdays, I arrive at uni around 0730 hours as well. (I find that a consistent schedule prevents abnormalities in the circadian cycle.) My first lecture begins at 0930 hours, thus I spend the first two hours at uni either preparing for my classes of the day, or getting caught up with e-mails to my professors. At 1045 hours when my first lecture dismisses, I sprint to work at the tutoring centre to work from 1100 hours to 1300 hours. (Technically, I only work on Tuesdays, but I volunteer on Thursdays much like I do on Wednesdays.) If I find pleasure in my performance that day, I reward myself with lunch. Either way, I will spend whatever little time before my 1400 hour lecture reviewing my notes and homework (read: I hastily do my foreign language homework 0010 hours before lectures begin). After, I dash across campus for my last lecture, which will release at 1645 hours. I enjoy dinner with friends, and depart for rehearsals, again leaving some time between 2205 hours and 2230 hours for my home.

When I am not in class, I discuss relevant issues with my professors, feebly attempt to increase my professional network, and work on club projects. I preside over the uni's Science club, which takes a vast amount of free time to co-ordinate. Our current problem is a defective Secretary, who will be replaced at the next club meeting. Other clubs (Psychology/Sociology, etc) sadly usually only are graced with my presence, and not my dedicated work. The student body's newspaper is starting up again, which will require my time to miss lectures to cover events that only happen to occur in conflict with my schedule (read: I'm either working or in class at 1400 hours, when events usually occur). Because I attend a small uni, most of my professors are understanding and do not mind my missing too many lectures to cover the events as long as I keep up with the work. Now, since I receive e-mails from the CAB's advisor (Campus Activity Board), the Director of Student Activities, I suppose myself to officially be a part of this club, instead of just a volunteer. What this means is that I skip lectures to work events for CAB, then write up a report of the event when it is done.

I have not heard from the Welcome Centre, where I occasionally volunteer as a tour guide for local high schools and other orientation-type events. I can only assume that they are hastily preparing for the next orientation, before which they will ring me asking for my assistance once more, which in dubiously I will give.

But hey, that's just my regular week in a nutshell. I happen to love it because it fits my personality and prevents me from focusing on the negative in my life. True, it would be nice to have more of a social life than just knowing maybe 4-5% of the entire student population, and two or three departments' worth of professors, but I'm content with the once-in-a-blue-moon type trips that I and friends make. This past Thursday we decided to blow off work to go to a local playground. Quite enjoyable, but not all the time.

Oh, I forgot to mention two things: firstly (and most important), extra volunteer events are popping up on the uni's calendar. A junior high school's science competition will be hosted by the uni at the end of February. Yours truly will be volunteering for this, as well. Secondly, one of the young tutors that I work with believes (along with her mum) that I "do too much" and 'blah-blah-blah' too much stress. So, she is attempting to start a petition to make me drop something off of my schedule. I mean, just because I'm deluding myself into thinking that I can handle the workload doesn't mean that I'm harming anyone else. Why does she see need to do this? It's a shame, too, because were it not for that I would be much more inclined to view her as quite attractive. (Heheh, like I have time for anything/anyone else in my life at the moment.)

I further find this a disappointment because there is that deeper human desire to grow, to share, to be with someone. No amount of busyness, "noise," or anything else will be able to fully distract from that need. This is most irritating in that I have never truly learned how to develop a friendship, yet it is one of the things for which I strive the hardest, particularly for a friendship with a member of the opposite gender (opposite sex as well, preferably. The difference is quickly explained here.). There were two young ladies that I met last semester, with whom I've attempted to build a descent relation. This has been done rather haphazardly, and has met with the expected results for such efforts. As well, each in turn was taught of my romantic inclinations toward each of themselves, respectively. Both of them rejected me, which is fine, as I soon forgot because both young ladies introduced me, either directly or indirectly, to a young lady friend of theirs. The older of the two young ladies that I met (referred to as "A," for she came first chronologically, the other is "B") directly introduced me to one of her best friends ("C"), who was treated as A and B was soon reproduced A's choices. This is all well and good, as I am attempting to sever ties with A and C as much as possible.

This leaves the friend of B, a girl known as "D." D was introduced indirectly to me by B, and B and D have since suffered an estrangement of their friendship. Regardless of the circumstances, B seems to hold no expressed opinion on my preferred inclinations toward D (indeed, it would be nigh impossible for B to since I have never told her). D's profile on a social networking site indicates that she is interested in searching for friendship and "dating" (however it is defined in this day and age). There is a two year difference in our ages, which is the socially accepted limit for our age group. In private message conversations, we seem to get along decently well, and she has expressed interest in viewing a moving picture show that I own. Were this somehow to work out for my benefit (and her's as well, hopefully), I will be joyed and call this the best attempt at a romantic relationship that I have had in nigh four years. Sadly, I do not see at the moment this progressing far beyond a beginning stage.

I must find a way to make this fragile acquaintance relationship between D and myself grow stronger, deeper, and better. I am nauseated of my failures, and I will find a way to prevent them in the future.

Christmas holiday? I think not.

2009-12-12T18:07:00.003-05:00

It has been a while since I have given you any update. This is my plan for right now.

I forget if I have told you that I have begun my studies at university. If I have not, I do so now. Sure, it is a small, local community college, but it is a beginning. This past Fall semester has ended without too much worry. A long term group project for English Composition II ended in frustration and in pieces. The rest of my semester was filled with a short overload (19 credit hours, as opposed to the standard 15-16 credit hour load). I am dubious in my Spanish abilities, but nonetheless I forge ahead.

I seem to have found a few niches in which to place myself. Volunteer work with the Office of Student Activities and CAB (Campus Activity Board) have helped me to start off the semester with a handful of friends, as well as a crush on an attractive young lady. From there I have made a position as a staff writer on the student newspaper. I couple this with membership in my campus's Psychology/Sociology and Science clubs, holding the president's office in the latter. Around October, I became an Academic Mentor through a school contest held for the local secondary schools, where I met several new interesting students. Lastly, I found a way to become a tour guide at the school while working as an assistant stage manager in the theatre department.

This next semester should be fun, especially considering that I will be increasing my class overload from 19 to 21 credit hours. I also plan to continue my extracurricular work, and I begin as a writing tutor at my uni.

Over the holiday, though, it would be expected that I relax and take some time off. This, unfortunately, is only a good plan. While I have made plans to rest and read Wicked, I have greater need to complete my certification from the National Institutes of Health for Human Subjects Testing in order to propose an experiment that I would like to run in conjunction with my Introduction to Applied Psychology next semester. As with during the academic year, I shall have need to remind myself to get adequate sleep and nourishment.

Bittersweet Freedom

2009-10-04T00:27:00.002-04:00

Tonight, all sections of the store were short staffed. This is not abnormal. Approximately 7.5 hours into the evening shift, a Self-Service/Drive-Through supervisor/crew leader asked who was responsible for removing the trash tonight. I told her, in not so many words and in a "spirited" way, that no one was on that position tonight, and that she should do it herself.

This, in following with the lazy American tradition, did not sit well with her. Naturally, she went to her superior, the manager on duty (MOD) that night. Summarizing our private conversation, I was reminded that my employment was considered "at-will," as is every other employee's. I was reminded as well that this was the second time I was to be disciplined for failure to show proper respect to co-workers, and was told to leave early.

Reviewing the events of the night, I am free to leave at any time, with or without reason. I do not particularly like or otherwise enjoy my job. Logically, it follows that I ask myself why I continue to work at this establishment? Perhaps I shall take my manager's implied advice and terminate my employment. I shall begin to search for a more desirable place at which to volunteer my time for pieces of paper with no value compared to the currency of other countries.

Symbolic Despair

2009-04-19T17:14:00.002-04:00

The words that you are reading are not real. They are a grouping of symbols that are being displayed on the monitor of your computer. The symbols have absolutely no meaning. If I were to type "ksoans" you would derive nothing from that. The symbols are a way for people to communicate their meanings without using telepathy.

Nonetheless, people, specifically Americans, seem to place an almost iconic, deistic importance to the symbols. "Rialeapinonioht" means absolutely nothing to my readers. And, indeed, without taking the time to decipher it or look for anagrams, I find no meaning either. Because the symbols are not placed in an acceptable sequence to form a coherent idea rooted in the English derivative of the Latin language.

"Rialeapinonioht" is a mixed up jumble of letters from the phrase "in a relationship." Now that the symbols have been placed into proper juxtaposition, readers may begin to understand the context and the meaning behind the symbols. But the fact remains that they are still symbols.

In a personal light, when I see the phrase on a friend's profile, I begin to feel nauseous. Literally. I feel physically ill when I see those words. This was especially the case today when I saw the phrase on a new friend's profile, mostly because I find that I have a strong attraction to her. Usually, the symptoms subside within a few minutes. This time they stayed with me for close to ten to fifteen minutes. Obviously, I was upset by this.

My id is selfish, rude, and quite mean. I want her. Not to have sexual relations with her. If I were to marry her, then that would be an option. But as for now, I want to get to know her, to understand her ways, and to have her reciprocate my feelings toward her. My ego tells me that it will not happen. My ego is masochistic. He tells me that the symbols I read are real and that there is no use in trying to change my understand of that part of reality. My superego has no frame of reference because movies skew reality, and these are topics that usually have no definitive answer.

I really wish that there is a way for me to sort this sort of issue out before my id beats my ego into a bloody pulp. Suggestions are quite welcome.

Freudian Dreams

2009-04-19T16:57:00.003-04:00

This morning, I woke up from a dream. Now, I am rather pleased about the first part in and of itself. Waking up means that I am not dead....which is usually good. Dreams imply that I have a healthy sleep cycle.

Anyway, the dream was one of the strange ones that people tend to remember because it had a strong personal connection and it's oddity. Back in secondary school, I was friends with two girls, both of whom where incredibly attractive. Inevitably, I liked both of them. Of course, part of that was because I am a skirt-chaser. Like all dreams, last night's did not seem to have much sense of chronological order or rational to it. Anyway, the two girls and I ended up in Hawaii or a similar environment, playing near an island in crystal clear blue water. The perfect situation, one would think. After having spent year twelve with both of them, going on field trips and sharing in plenty of memories with both of them, I felt rather close to both (and still do, to be quite honest). At some point in the dream, I went up to each of them individually and told them that I loved them. They reciprocated.

Somehow, one of them drown. I felt incredibly sad, but I enjoyed my time with the other girl, while we both mourned the loss of our friend. The only positive thing that I could think of was that now I had no conflicts in my subconscious. When I woke, I knew that I was in love with both of them, and that I had no answers on how to proceed, because I also have an intense crush on a young lady from my post-secondary institution. I think back to my Psychology class, wondering what it is that Freud would tell me. That I love the girl in my dream that did not perish, and the other two are not so important to me? Or that I was more in love with the girl that is "deceased" in my dream, therefore meaning that my love life is over?

I have no answers, and am thus saddened.

New Updates

2009-04-11T04:15:00.002-04:00

Salutations to my readers, whomever you might be.
I send customary greetings for the past holidays since I last wrote and currently wish you a happy and kosher Passover.

And now onto business: Several changes in my life have occurred. Firstly, for those of you that know I work in the restaurant business, I have finally made it past two and a half years in service. I currently have accumulated two years and eight months with my company. The only positive thing that I have received from my job (apart from the required payment) is a $1000 scholarship. Unfortunately for me, I have neither had the joy of receiving a bonus nor a promotion, and have thus decided that if my management does not turn from the current course, I will give them another four months of service before I resign. I do not have any ideas of what I will do after this, for the economy is difficult, and I doubt that I currently have the resources or qualifications to compete with other applicants from the public and private corporate sectors, as well as the new university graduates. Oh well. A lesson in macroeconomics, I suppose.

Secondly, I have begun the next part of my scholastic endeavours. I have enrolled myself in a local community college. Thus far in the semester, I am doing well enough. But if I were to focus my efforts on completing the assigned tasks instead of doing nothing, I would do better. It would also benefit me to study for tests.
But that is irrelevant (in my reality). For, as always, I have met a new object of my affections.
She is a member of one of the extracurricular clubs that I am a member of. She is quite pretty, and smart. I have found out in the past two or three days that she is a high school senior in the ACCELL Program (duel enrollment, I assume). This surprises me, for I had always thought that she was a first year college student as myself. Perhaps these are some of the reasons that I find so much disappointment in life. But then again, experts cite that most relationships are between an older man and a younger lady....Perhaps there is hope after all. Alas, blondes are a vice of mine.

Side note: for those who know her, I have apologized to Kuro Ookami. We even began establishing an acquaintanceship. We met for a coffee with her boyfriend and Mike near her house. Sadly, her parents knew nothing of this, and when they found out they punished all of us by cutting communications between myself and her, her and Mike (or at least, reduced communications), and I am sure that her boyfriend simply felt guilt. But the thing of note is that she is no longer angry with myself.

I have obtained funding for personal business cards. While they are simply for jest (my job is not one that needs business cards, after all), I have given them out at times. I have enjoyed the sensation, since I perceive having business cards to be one of the positive traits of being a good business man. If my readers cross my path, and it strikes your fancy, do not hesitate to ask for a card. I have plenty.
And despite this, one of my managers has forbidden me to pass them out because it makes people "wonder if [I] am O.K." Unfortunately for her, I cannot comply because that infringes on my freedom of speech. I shall, naturally, remove all traces of the restaurant from my cards before handing them out again, but handing out business cards falls under my freedom of speech, does it not?

The time is currently 0948 Zulu. I have not obtained total subconsciousness since 1300 Zulu yesterday. My body must regenerate.
I bid all beneficial tidings until our next meeting.

Happy About the Choice, But Sad About Not Seeing Friends

2008-11-25T00:15:00.004-05:00

Perhaps the reader has heard of an event called Happening. It is a chance for teenagers to treat other teenagers to the love of G-d, and to show them what G-d's love can do for others. This past weekend was the most recent Happening weekend, Happening #50.

During the past few months, I have dealt with some internal struggles about the complexities of life, such as the existance of G-d, the social order of humans, and the relationships between members of our species.
While I have decided that G-d Himself does exsist, it is in a manner that is not pleasing to many.

Below are two (or three, depending on how you look at it) reasons as to why I choose not to participate in this past Happening:

First: G-dliness is a quality that, theoretically, is one of the most coveted qualities of the American people. While I believe in the existance of G-d, I cannot claim that I am a "very" G-dly person. I do not see it as the utmost important thing in life anymore. Therefore, I cannot stand to believe that I would fit in very well there anymore.
First(b): Because of this, I feel that the activities would be better suited for a younger group of teenagers (since I have completed secondary school and am past the primary staff age of the weekend) that show more Chistian-like attitudes. (For why I am writing the name of G-d the way I am, visit [link] and scroll to "Writing the Name of G-d"

Second: I have heard rumours of a certain person being at the weekend. I have my doubts of how well the weekend would have turned out for her, myself, and those unfortunate few that happened to get beteen us. About a year and a few months ago, I severely pissed her off. I highly doubt that she has gotten over her justified anger at me.
In my opinion, that is simply not an element that should be present for this kind of weekend.

Glaciers

2008-11-19T02:28:00.006-05:00

I resumed my place next to her. There are opposing points to going to the watercloset: I'd rather not loose any time with her if at all humanly possible. Contrariwise, there is just something about how good it feels to come back to my seat knowing that I'm the one sitting next to her. It's nothing like sitting on a train, where you don't know the person next to you, and you'd rather not touch them if you could because that would be awkward and somewhat embarrassing. But to know that you belong there....
I resume my place next to her.

We are watching some television show. It may be Airwolf, it may be Gilmore Girls. I don't remember. We both enjoyed watching it. Maybe Lorelai was chatting up Stringfellow, who knows? I turn my head toward her to see if she is crying or some other similar emotion. Se isn't....yet. But I can tell that she expects me to chat her up some. She may even expect it to be how Lorelai chats up Luke. But I know that it won't. It never will be, I'm just not like Lorelai. I'm more like Rory than she can ever know.
She turns her beautiful face towards me.

As her eyes search my features, I can see only glaciers. Ice cold glaciers. I look into her eyes...deeper and deeper, search for anything that can explain how something so beautiful can be put in something so flawed as a human. I see nothing yet but a small spark. Perhaps it is her soul? The Jews believe that it's possible to see one's soul in the eyes. Maybe it's an attraction in her eyes that I see? At this point, the house could fall in around me and I wouldn't notice. And the spark grows into a flame. It builds larger and larger into a fire. A fire dancing on the cold surface of ice glaciers, what a sight it makes. I find it to be even more attractive than Bella to either Edward or Jacob.
I can feel my eyes. Plain green, there is nothing distinguishing about them. They don't burn with desire, they don't smolder, smoke, or even give the tiniest puff. They're dead.

She turns back toward the TV, and I lay my arm around her to know that it just wasn't the time for me to try. She leans her head upon my shoulder, and with that simple act I can feel that I have been given all of the goodness and joy in life.
She smiles and purrs like a cat. Life is indeed good.

If only it weren't a dream.

Photogenic?

2008-11-18T23:58:00.006-05:00

There is/was an old grouping of people, whom I believe to be the North American Indians, that had an "irrational" fear of cameras because they believed that photographs stole part of a person's soul. Most modern persons and scientists disregard this as huey. After all, how can an impression of a scene made by light onto a special chemically treated piece of paper hold part of someone's soul? That just does not make sense.

But, what if it did? What if photographs actually did hold part of a person's life force? There would suddenly become a small fear of being able to die. If part of one's soul is locked away, trapped, then how can one truly die and continue on to the next life?
All of the geniuses who spend their lives locked away in the lab discovering cures for diseases and inventing things that will improve our lives will die. The superficial vain little girls? Because they have photographs of themselves abounding out the wazoo, they shall live forever. Life's sardonic irony.

Personally, I do not take that many photographs. On the rare occasions that I do, it is usually of the landscape or other scenery, not of myself. It is not that I believe myself to be non-photogenic. I am a fairly attractive person. I merely do not believe in photographing one's self multiple times within the same year. Thusly, if anyone was ever interested to know, that is why I do not have twenty shots of my face from nineteen different angles.

A Shorter, Blunter, and More "Emo-ish" Version of the Below

2008-11-16T02:28:00.002-05:00

Life sucks.

Update

2008-11-16T01:56:00.003-05:00

I thought that I should start to update my blog, seeing as how I did create one and whatnot. Thus:

I sit here, thinking of the newest attraction in my life. It is 0657 Zulu, and I am exhausted. I was not supposed to be at work today, however a coworker did not show up, and my management asked me to cover for him. The only good thing about that is that I got to see this new girl.

As usual, I asked the few people that I trusted for some quick advice on how to proceed. As I sat on a break at work one day, I discussed this with another coworker who informed me that she would be more than willing to let the girl that I like, we shall call her Sheep (for that is the meaning of her Hebrew name), know that I like her. A few days later I receive the response that Sheep is not interested in being anything more than friends at this point.

It is disappointing, but not to be unexpected. This has happened many times before, and it will not cease to happen, I am sure. I find, however, some comfort in the way that her answer was presented to me: "at this time." I interpret this to mean that there may still be a small sliver of hope in the future. Sheep may interpret this as a way of saying "No" later, but at this point, who really cares?

I am constantly being reminded that it is a bad idea to date a coworker. That is a fine and dandy rule to live by....if there are other options. I notice that there are very few, very limited places that one may come across a potential mate: religious organisations (i.e. churches, synagogues, mosques), places of employment, schools, and the "nightclub scene" (i.e. bars, clubs, etc.). The Youth Director at my religious establishment has placed dating members of our "Youth Group" as an "off-limits" area, I am not yet old enough (legally) to enter nightclubs (nor do I have the desire to), nor am I enrolled at any educational institution. That only leaves my place of employment. Oh well.
Or, I forget the technology sector, I could use the Internet. Oddly enough, the few females that I meet online I end up getting along with smashingly. The problem with continuing the relationship into the "real world" is the fact that they often live very far from myself, such as the Midwest or the Western seaboard (I am currently residing on the Eastern seaboard).

Nonetheless, I sit, enjoying a can of TaB, wondering where my life will lead me. Perhaps I should apply to Rose-Hulman Institute of Technology? In about a year's worth of time, that is approximately where I would want to be anyway, far from home and close to a friend.

An Odd Dream

2008-09-03T02:58:00.001-04:00

Working in a restuarant, I come to realize that even cops need to eat. So I know a few state troopers (and a handful of city/county cops).

Last night I dreamed that I was riding around town with one of my state trooper buddies, Master Trooper Boone. We had decided that it was time to make a U-turn and patrol more of the streets. We passed another state trooper, Edwards, and we stopped to have a chat. The only thing that I can remember about the conversation was that Edwards's wife (and I honestly do not even know if he is married) had been thinking about me the past few days, and that she wanted to talk to me.

Then I woke up. Aren't cop dreams fun?

The Next Step?

2008-07-09T02:55:00.002-04:00

My psychiatrist believes that I am doing well. I have lots of TaB to keep myself occupied. I am learning about a new company called Mona Vie. The former Warriors of the World (now possibly Lean On Me) is slowly getting to where it can begin helping the teenagers that it aims to help.

I have finally learned the names of some my favourite customers (the Twins), and I am starting to get to know them. There is a co-worker whom is wonderful. She is young, attractive, ingeniously smart, and she knows of the olden days, i.e. when families would gather around the radio to listen to radio shows like Dragnet and The Shadow. Unfortunately, no one knows anything about her except that she seems to be "sweet" and that she is smart.

And more prominently on my mind is a young lady who lives approximately thirty minutes south of me. She has been very kind to me, talking to me, and even calling me asking me to get online so that we can talk some more. She seems to be a very sweet girl, very interesting, and whatnot. So far, the only disadvantage that I can find with her is that it sometimes becomes difficult to find things to talk about when she does not actively continue the conversation in any way other than "Ask another question." But overall it is a rather beneficial situation, especially with her calling me a potential prospect.

So, with all of these good things happening to me at the same time, I can't help but wondering what will go wrong in the next few months?

Temporary Happiness?

2008-07-01T04:51:00.002-04:00

I have a few favourite customers at my store. One is an older man who has the same smart-ass comments that I do. Two more happen to be state troopers. Another is a very tall, young blonde girl. She always gets a milkshake every time that she comes in, the same flavour. Unfortunately, I have not seen her in many moons...and yet I find that she has started to haunt me in my dreams..
Regardless.

Probably my most favourite family to come in is a mum, a younger daughter, and two twin girls. They are around fifteen to sixteen years of age, and they are incredibly brilliant. During their first year of secondary school, one took an advanced placement Senior-level class, Statistics. They are brilliant. Perhaps that is one of the reasons that I like having them come in? Or the fact that they are both gorgeous. Or that they are so easy to talk to...
Anyways, I am happy to report that I have finally found out their names (which I will not post here for their safety)! So, huzzah!

AND (in case that is not enough good news for one post) I met one of my new grill workers. She is a little shorter than me, but a good, hard worker.
And even better....she remembers the old days. That impresses me, because she is young, probably around seventeen or so. But she knows of things that not even my teachers know of. For instance, she recalls the days when radio was popular, when entire families would gather around to listen to shows like Dragnet and The Shadow. Now, if I am lucky, I would like a chance to pick apart her gray matter and learn more about both her and how she knows of such things. Perhaps she knows of a place where I can finally learn how to ballroom dance?

Tranquility Comes With A Price Tag

2008-06-25T01:01:00.002-04:00

In the past few days, I have not let them into my thoughts as much. And life has become easier. My vocation is even more pleasant to me than it has been in the past, which is something of note considering that I liked my job before.

I just haven't thought of them that much. It is very easy. I am glad because it feels like I can slowly start to take back my life into my own hands.

And the sweet tea that I am drinking is delicious.

And regarding the title, the price tag is having the courage and nerves to take your life back into your own hands.

My Apologies, I lied.

2008-05-31T04:21:00.001-04:00

I deceived both you and myself. My apologies.

After re-reading some of my previous postings I have realized that the majority of them are about failed attempts at women. As an update, I will try to refrain from that in the future.

Twenty-three chapters in eighteen years.

2008-05-31T04:15:00.003-04:00

Recently, I have completed my secondary education. My peers, however, shout this at everyone they meet: "I'M DONE WITH HIGH SCHOOL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" or "I'M A HIGH SCHOOL GRAD(UATE)!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
I see no point in either. Still, I am done, with post-poned plans for post-secondary schooling at a later date.
After writing twenty-three chapters in this "life book" I need to regenerate.

Perhaps my next post will tell you about one or both of the organizations that I am part of....perhaps.

Legality

2008-05-14T01:01:00.002-04:00

The time has come for me to register myself with the government, so that they can ship me off to be experimented on, or killed. Hoorah for them.

If that is the case, then I will definitely miss my newest friend, the star of so many YouTube videos.

I wonder if I can choose which branch to sign up for?

Despicable government.

The Time has Come....

2008-04-25T03:20:00.004-04:00

...for Reflection. As I look back on some of my older posts, I can barely remember the emotions that caused me to write them. I even have to sit and recollect my memories to remember who these girls are that I write about. They change so often, and with such rapidity, that it would seem to the observer (and myself in hindsight) that it does not matter.

Unfortunately, my self-control is not to the point that I can control emotions. As in, I will like which girls I like, and there will be no stopping of that. But I can change how I react to these emotions. Slowly, they will change. They will slow down, and I will have more time to think about the consequences of my reactions to these random feelings.

Least notably for me (albeit one of the more important ones) was a random event that happened for close to two hours while on a vacation that I recently took. While touring United States Prison Alcatraz with my Senior class, I went on the self-guided audio tour. Shortly after it began, I noticed myself behind a pretty, but young, girl. I stood at least a head taller than she, and she looked maybe fourteen at the oldest. Strangely, I felt a strong urge to not let her out of my sight. Thusly, I followed her throughout the tour, always keeping her in sight. I was not even troubled at the fact that her father (standing much taller than I) came to check on her several times during the tour. At the end, the tour brought us all into the gift shoppe (much like Disneyland, I know) where I lost sight of her. I saw her again with her family on the ferry ride back to the mainland, and one last time as we all exited the area. None of this bothered me as it should have, because during the tour I felt a sense of nervous, anxious peace.
The little girl looked like a fourteen year old version of the last girl that I dated. My ex was not the prettiest girl in the world, and yet she held a captivating charm about her. She was attractive, no doubt, and she had an aura of peace about her. Several weeks after our last date, however, she told me to quit contacting her for reasons that I still do not fully understand to this day. What scared me about the ordeal was the fact that I felt compulsed to follow this little girl even after I had thought that I was over being dumped. Apparently, I was incorrect. USP Alcatraz is now a place that I will no longer visit.

On a somewhat more prominent note, I maintain a friendship with a young lady who lives on the north side of town. She has become a fast companion of mine, despite the odd times that we contact each other. I am hoping that soon after I return from my trip that she and I will be able to see each other. At the time of posting, I have no idea if she still has a boyfriend or not, but I have bought her souvenirs to present to her upon my return.

Foremost on my dark and rather clouded mind (for I fear that I am going through another depressive cycle now, minor of course), is a girl that I met at "Jesus-camp." Perhaps the reader has heard of an event called Happening, perhaps not. I cannot recall if I have mentioned it earlier in my writings. Basically, it is a chance to deepen one's connection with Christ. After attending for the first time, one would become a team member on the next time that it occurs.
This girl attended the last session of Happening, although I had never noticed her before. All that I knew of her was her name on the list of people attending. Once she came to the team meetings, however, I began to pay much more notice to her. We had a rough beginning, but soon became wary friends. At the time of the most recent Happening (which was on 18-20 April 2008), we were pretty descent friends. The only problem was that it was not a mutual friendship. My feelings were of the romantic persuasion, while her's where merely platonic. As I left, I slipped her a letter describing my feelings (lack of time and opportunity prevented me from telling her in person as I should have). I thought that it would be a rather safe thing to do, since we would not see each other for quite some time (meaning until November at the earliest). As I began my vacation to San Fransisco, I noticed that I was praying for her and for her happiness a lot. During the course of my four-hour flight I literally spent close to an hour total praying for her and her alone.
Today, I read a Facebook message that she left me regarding her feelings about the ordeal. They were not mutual, which is not only understandable but also expected. As I sent back a response that hopefully has closed the subject permanently, I realized how often this happens to me.
I have finally come to the conclusion that I must change how often this happens to me. While I will still continue to be attracted to women, I will no longer act on this to the same extent that I have in the past. This will be a very difficult undertaking. Luckily, these dark parts of my character are balanced and counter-acted by my lighter parts, whatever they may be. Thus, the ideals of yin-yang are kept in check. I will need help with this. Luckily, I have God, or Allah, or Buddha, or whatever name you use. I have the help of the Almighty Architect to help me.

Today was a cop-free day.

2008-04-01T20:25:00.005-04:00

I highly suggest that one does not attempt to listen to one's voicemail while making a U-turn in a car with manual transmission. It is difficult.

Also, I have been visiting YouTube quite often recently. I have found several users to subscribe to, namely SpeedyconKiwi, Sugartalker, and SarkyChele. Eventually (meaning when I get a camera), I plan to make a video of my own to post. The first one will obviously be an introduction. I mean, seriously, you can't start anywhere but the beginning now, could you? That would just be silly, to do otherwise.

She is back. The delightful blonde from my freshman year of secondary school. We used to run Cross Country together. During practice, I remember slowing my run down enough so that I would fall behind and run with her a few dozen metres behind the pack. I enjoyed it, getting to know her. I would hope that she enjoyed the company. At that time, I would have done a lot to be hers, and to have her as my own.
Now, it seems that my luck has turned, but I am not sure if it has turned in a positive or a negative direction. She has found me after all of these years. I am not sure how (for I have had nothing to do with her for just over three years), but neither am I sure that it is a bad thing. She recently applied and was hired to work in my restaurant. I still find her to be an attractive young lady. She recognizes me, kindly asks questions after my well being and I reciprocate.
It feels awkward after so many years. I hope that she only recognizes me as a good person, and not for my past actions. It has been suggested to me by a friend at school that if I "like her, then [I] should go for it." My friend also goes on to say that she hasn't started her homework, but that is irrelevant.

But I fear that she may be right. Perhaps I should challenge my nerves. I should ask my newest co-worker out. We work together Thursday and Saturday, both of which I look forward to. Now, I just have to find a day that both of us have off in which to ask her out.
Luck is needed.

Resolution: A bittersweet victory

2008-03-19T23:45:00.002-04:00

The contest is over. Many blessings upon the LORD's name.
Even I was surprised. Option #3 won. My indecisiveness has led me to a conclusion in this battle against my nerves.

Mr Jones, Jones, calling Mr Jones (Wake Up Now)

2008-03-08T06:01:00.007-05:00

Recently, I've started blowing off my homework. Well, not really. I've blown off my homework for years. Rather fun, I think, but it drives my parents and teachers nuts....they'll live.

Either way, I'm using my Google account in many new and numerous ways these days. For instance, in the past three days I created a YouTube account [link]. So far I've run across many good videos that recollect joyous memories for me. Episodes of Garfield and Friends from the 80s; music videos by Aqua, Rammstein, Ace of Base, and others; and just random junk. Perhaps my favourite would be the short movie "Tree in the Forest" [link]. It is a rather touching tale of how a deaf girl overcomes a problem in her life.

But, looking back now, I see certain things. No longer am I alone, for I have friends that suffer through the same endless agony that I suffer through. Appearently, women cause problems for all men, regardless of our intelligence quotient.
I am fearful that my opinions on this girl will change, however. No longer does she have braces, no longer is she single. She now dates a rather good friend of hers, and I cannot help but believe that she has had a crush on him for sometime now, and is not willing to let the relationship die so soon. Thus far, however, I plan to wait as long as possible for her. Most teenage relationships do not last a particularly long time, so I have a small glimmer of hope that I will get my chance. From my perspective, she is much to good for him. I have no idea why I believe that I am more worthy of that angel than he is, but I see myself as much more deserving.

The other thing that has changed is in respect to the second girl in Fools and Kings. While she still has a boyfriend, to whom I figure that she will one day marry, I am beginning to overcome my prejudice of him. We have IMed each other once or twice (he is in college, thus I shall not see him, and I do not call people in *his* position). While I am still jealous of him to a degree, I have come to find that he is a rather nice guy. One day I shall learn better control of myself, and will no longer flirt (as I view it) with his girl.

Re: Fools and Kings

2008-02-26T22:56:00.007-05:00

Yea, life is tolerable. The honesty of the entire matter is that there were only ever four plausible answers to my predicament. Three girls, and the always present option of staying single and unattached. I have decided that I have been unattached too long, and am in need of female companionship.

Option #4: To stay single until the proper time presents itself. Nein. As I have already said, I am lonely.

Option #3: Girl on partner campus. Distance of approx 5 hours 45 minutes. Currently, she still has a boyfriend. However, she tells me that she is displeased with him, saying that he is too immature. If I lived closer to her, I might consider pursuing her. Alas, as far as I know, she is still unavailable.

Option #2: Girl in Illinois. While I have never met her in person, we did meet on Facebook (yes, I understand the risks in this) and have been calling each other recently, as in, over the past week. Distance of approx 12 hours 12 minutes away. While she is considerably farther from me than option #3, I think that we have the best chemistry. We talk as often as possible, and can do so for hours at a time without running short of conversation topics. She has either led me on more, or sincerely likes me as much as I like her. I do hope that it is the latter.

Option #1: Girl from "Jesus camp". Distance of approx 1 hour 30 minutes. I met her about a year to a year and a half ago. We, as many people tend to believe, have a good mix of chemistry. Ever since I have met her, I knew that I liked her very much. And every time I would always hope that she would return the next session. Every time. We have become pretty good friends, talking every now and again about this, that, and the other thing. I've always enjoyed our conversations. The only drawback is that I tend to find that we run out of conversation topics.

The results:
I have eliminated half of the options. Options # 3 & 4 have been done away with. Which only leaves Options # 1 & 2. I talk to both of them. I always enjoy those talks. Lasting until late in the morning, I can always count on starting my day off well. Those conversations keep me going through the day. It's wonderful. But the scales are almost balanced. The weights lead to one side. And I'm not really sure if it's a good thing or not.

Like my previous "girlfriend," I enjoy the role of protector and overseer. Somewhere between fatherly protection of his offspring and the deepest love of a friend, I know that I am not always the best at "protecting" my friends from whatever harm comes their way. Part of that comes from the fact that I live so far away from them, and also from the fact that I have had rather stunted relationships with others, even platonic friendships have been stunted. It is because of this that I do not have the best advice to pass along to my friends.

Thus, it deeply pains me to see any of them get into trouble with others, or to be in pain. Even for me to hear that they are in trouble is difficult for me to bear. I have friends who cut themselves. Everyday, I wish that there is something that I could do to help them to quit that horrendous habit.
One of them is the girl in Option #1. I understand that she comes from a difficult background, and that not many things have gone "right" in her life. But I also see her as a beautiful girl, angelic in complexion, a voice from the Heavens, and just the kindest spirit that any mere mortal could possess. Perhaps that is what is so difficult for me; knowing that my angel is troubled and there is nothing that I can do to help her unfurl her wings to take flight again. I just do not know what to do to help.

To the contrary, the girl in Option #2 is at a slightly less mortal disadvantage. She lives slightly more than 12 hours away from me. Our affections for each other are almost undeniable. Almost. We flirt constantly. When I can, I call her and we talk for at least an hour at a time (and it would be more if we did not have things to do, like getting our parents to quit yelling at us for being on the phone for hours at a time). I have absolutely no idea when we would be able to see each other, or even if that would be possible before the summer vacation.
And yet, I am still strongly attracted to her. Possibly my feeling of a "need" for companionship drives me to it....perhaps not. I tell her that she is beautiful. She tells me that she loves my jokes. The compliments go back and forth forever. It is very appealing, this possibility of a relationship.

Even the possibility would mean that I would have to forget my standing attraction and desire for the first girl. And unless some genius man comes up with a foil-proof way of dating two girls at the same time, my choice remains. While I love each as dearly as I do any other close friend of mine, I cannot reject one for the other at the moment. This is where I become caught between the rock and the hard place. Neither side is willing to budge even an inch.

Perhaps the worst part of all of this is that one girl knows of the predicament, and the stuggle that I face...the other girl is completly oblivious. Karasu, how sad you are. You cannot trust your closest friends with the truth. Maybe the easiest option is the best one for right now: Option #4?
One will never know. There are only two forces in this universe that could ever answer that question: the immortal force of time itself, and the divine G-d. Nein, neither will tell me.

They are not made of steel, thus, I am not Kal-El.

2008-02-20T10:37:00.002-05:00

My nerves are getting the better of me. Which is rather sad, because I have to call her tonight at 1800 hours, only seven hours away. I am anxiously counting down. True, I am also eager about this, but it makes me very anxious.

Plus, I still have work to do for Warriors of the World...an organization that I'm in which is determined to eliminate teenage depression in the world.

This will be a fun night.

Fools and Kings

2008-02-18T15:42:00.005-05:00

Many, especially the Jewish community, make claims that King David was one of the most brilliant men ever to live. Those people tend to also make claim that King Solomon, David's son, was the smartest man to ever live. I concur.

However, I also follow the school of thought that philosophers are not the only people to be gifted with flashes of insight. Many common, ordinary people can stumble upon an idea that is worthy of someone like King Solomon. I have recently had one of these revelations, and now I will enlighten you to it.

For many years, I have been on the search for a companion. In the beginning, any companion would have done, for I was lonely and in need of a friend. After I had been educated about the world, as I still am being educated, I had come to the conclusion that I would like to have a female companion. Women are usually more sensitive to problems, and are good problem-solvers. Besides that, I find that women smell nicer and are more attractive to look at than men.

In short, I have found a temporary solution to this problem. However, the solution has run out, and I continue on in my search.

In a long explination, I was paired with a girl for a Senior marriage project. We shared mutual romantic feelings, but due to factors beyond my control (i.e. her maturity, parents, geographic displacement, etc) nothing became of the relationship but a close friendship. While I still hold a small bit of affection for the girl, she is a ditz (fairly often, not all the time)....and that is unsuitable in a mate.

My feelings have also been averted toward three others in the course of the last year. Two of whom attend my school (one at a partner campus, one at the main campus). The first would not work for two reasons: a) she already has a boyfriend, and b) she lives far away. The second girl would not work because she is also in a rather well-standing relationship with an older guy. And both girls are happy, and I will not deter them from their pleasures.

The third, and probably most likely candiate, I have known for the longest amount of time in comparison to the previously mentioned three. I met her somewhere between one year to one and a half years ago. To me, she is absolutely gorgeous. There are few that I would even want to compare to her. She and I share a deep friendship, and we are rather compatible. But I find that only thinking about her and having quick, shallow conversations on networking sites like Facebook is no longer enough to quinch this thirst for female companionship. It is merely a temporary diversion.

I was recently contacted by one of her friends. While I had absolutely no reason whatsoever to trust this complete stranger, I made obvious hints about the true nature of her questions of whether or not I liked the girl. Eventually, the friend wised up, and understood. And of course, being the "good friend" (and gossipist) that she was, she became very excited and undoubtedly told every possible detail of the story to the third girl. I was to call the girl....
Things have happened, all because I had a flash of realisation.

Curiosity

2008-02-17T17:36:00.003-05:00

Being exposed to today's mass media, one is usualy forced to come to terms with certain aspects of today's society eventually. Most recently, I am perplexed as to why advertisment agencies do what they do. In every commercial involving a family doing something, there is always a father, a mother, a son, and a daughter. Either child may be older, but that is an irrevelant fact. Both of the children are in their early adolescent years, and the parents are in their late 30's to early 40's.
But, why? Is it absolutely necessary to have two children, one of each gender? It is not "just" to discriminate against those families with two male children, or those with two female children.

And while we are on the subject of discrimination, what about the old people? With the exception of the retirement commercials, old people are never noticed. Do old people never do anything fun, like take cruises? Why shouldn't they? After all, old people have enough money to go on a cruise....not their younger counterparts.

Law of Equivalent Exchange

2007-12-27T15:19:00.000-05:00

"Humankind cannot gain anything without first giving something in return. To obtain, something of equal value must be lost. That is alchemy's First Law of Equivalent Exchange. In those days, we really believed that to be the world's one, and only, truth." -Alphonse Elric, Fullmetal Alchemist

People say that Christmas is a time for family. I tend to find it as a good time for reflection.

Four years ago, in the first nine weeks of school, I was a happy child. I had finally entered high school, I had friends, I was proud to be part of the school's Cross Country team, I loved my teachers, and I had good classmates (except for my fourth block class). There was even a slight possibility for me to have developed a relationship with a girl in my third block class. But, it was not to last. I made a choice, and that choice changed my life.

I chose to leave public schooling.

Since then, I have had the "honour" of attending four different high schools. At each of these schools, there have only been a few things that I have enjoyed about each school. At one, it was the ease of classes, at another it was the people. My choice led me away from the happiness that I had once known. Yes, each of the schools has taught me something, and I have become much more wise than I ever have been before, but was it really worth it? Was any of it really worth the pain, the effort, the Hell that I had been through? Let us take a look at it and see.

At the public school, my classes were easy. With the exception of my advanced class, I essentially did nothing, and yet received an "A." In the advanced class, I actually had to do work to get that "A."
The majority of the people I ignored, and they, likewise. Those that I did have interactions with were descent enough to me that it was tolerable.
The layout of the school, once gotten used to, actually made sense.

In my current school, I actually have to apply myself. It is a feeling that I am not used to at all.
The people are actually nice to me. They do not treat me like dirt, and the majority seem to care about what happens to me....especially about what happens between myself and a girl at the school.
The layout of the school makes no sense whatsoever, but I have learned it.

I guess that I ended up trading my contentment and comfort (of which is most valuable to me) for something just short of happiness (which is also of the utmost value to me). Perhaps I did not exchange anything, but merely transformed comfort into happiness?

What an interesting turn of events

2007-12-12T20:47:00.000-05:00

The below issue has been resolved, with a public majority in favour of Scenario One to Scenario Three twenty to three, and Scenario Two received no votes in its favour.

However, my school has decided to host a Christmas Banquet for the students. I asked the girl in Scenario Three if she would like to attend it with me. She replied that she could not on account of her grandfather's birthday that weekend. That, while somewhat disappointing, was nothing compared to the private (meaning blocked number) phone call I received ten to twenty minutes after the question was proposed by an anonymous male acquaintance of hers informing me that I should "just leave Susan* the fuck alone." This was quite a blow to my nerves, as she herself in our instant messages had never implied that she would rather not have me contact her, unless saying that she is rather sick and cannot talk on the phone is the hint that I cannot absorb into my thick cranium.

*Name has been changed.

"Susan," while a very attractive girl that I like, is not worth my prolonged lamentations. Instead, I weep for my severely bruised pride on account of the girl in Scenario One. As I have already implied, I like Jessica* quite a lot. However, relationships across religious boundaries are rather difficult to maneuver. Not that she is not a Christian, but rather a different denomination of Christianity than I am.
None of this makes any difference one way or another, seeing as I have yet to met the father, receive either parent's blessing (except for the marriage project on which we are jointly working), or to have completely won over the affections of young Miss "Jessica." She has decided that she simply is not interested in banquets at this point in time, no matter the cause, and thus will not be joining me to the school on Sunday, 16 December. The rest of the student body considers us an "item" because we spend every available moment together. So, when asked if I was going to the banquet, especially with someone, the entire campus (who all have lunch together, explaining why we are in the same room) let out a collective moan of disappointment for me when I stated that I would be attending and she would not.

*Again, name has been changed.

It is time for Focus

2007-12-10T17:48:00.000-05:00

Seniour Marriage Project:
The goal: learn about the challenges and "joys" of being married
The result: Eh, who knows? It all depends on the amount of effort put in...

Briefing:

Scenario One:
At 1100 hours, Tuesdays, Thursdays, and any other day I bother to drive up there, I find myself happily living in my own little dream world. There are two inhabitants: herself and I. Luckily, she is every bit as crazy as I am. And any day that we are on the same campus, we spend every available moment together. She is so wonderful to me, I've never had anyone truly care this much (outside of two or three very close friends). For some strange reason, I cannot comprehend how there can be two people that are just so crazy.

Scenario Two:
As explained previously, I went to a church retreat, and pranked some college guys. They said that they would kill me, so I made plans to finish up my life. They included graduating high school (having someone write "Congratulations, you've graduated high school!" on some paper), having kids (totally out, I don't want to ruin her life), and getting married (which would be as simple as proposing, and having her say yes). The first two didn't work, but the third did. She is a wonderful girl, even if she is friends with my ex-girlfriend. However, she already has a boyfriend (and after the weekend, she "divorced" me because of him). We are still good friends, however.

Scenario Three:
Same church retreat, I met another girl in my small group. About my height, curly blonde hair, single. She seems to be everything that I'm looking for in a girl (blonde and has a pulse). While I know next to nothing about her, we have started conversing on Facebook, although we have not gotten very far yet. But, she hasn't said no yet. Albiet, I haven't asked.

The Problem:
No man is lucky enough to be able to date two or more girls at the same time, and end up with a favourable outcome. Hence, you come in. I need your help. While I try to get anywhere with all three, I am only entitled to having one. Which one should I focus my attention on?

Can Fates Change?

2007-11-30T22:49:00.000-05:00

It was a normal Tuesday, or as normal as my days are. Going to school with people of a different religious background is quite a challenge. Either way, I met yet another girl. The unusual thing is that she is also displaying a fancy for me as well.

We have second block together. It was not until about three weeks ago that one of my teachers suggested that I get to know her better. I chose to do so by beginning to sit next to her in class. This, thus far, has worked quite well. It has evolved to the point that when we are on the same campus, we spend every available moment together.

The Tuesday was unique in that the school had an ACT preparation class (primarily for the Juniors) lasting from our advisory time after first block through second, and ending at lunch. I, being a Senior, could not and did not attend. Instead, I went to my second block class as normal, only missing the newest person in my abnormal life. Class ended and I packed up my things preparing for the afternoon repast. It was obvious that the ACT preparation class had let out early, due to the fact that she was standing at the door to our second block classroom, waiting for me. We did not exchange salutations, nor have we ever. We have never seen a need for them. As I held the door open to let out the torrent of students eager to receive their meals, I explained to her what she had missed in class that day. As the doorway cleared, I began to make my way out of the room, with her, to our usual spot to dine together. I thoroughly enjoyed the mealtime with her, as I always do.

As I rode the school's transportation to my local campus to get in my car, I thought back on the day, highlighting our time together. I came to remember that she had come all the way across the school for me. Specifically for me, and only me. Never before has anyone shown enough care towards me to do that. Never. As I adjust from eating on my own, away from the others and happily enjoying my own little world to eating with another human being, I will always think back to that Tuesday, remembering how she came. It is an odd feeling, but I am adjusting to it favourably.

I AM NOT A TRASH RECEPTICLE!!!

2007-11-19T22:26:00.000-05:00

To that one manager at my job,

I am not a trash bin. Do not place your used candy wrappers, scrap paper, and the like in my shirt pocket. That is not what it is for. I use it to hold pens and my tips for the night. You may ask me to throw away your garbage for you, for I have no problems with that. Just do not make me the trash can.

Sincerely,
One pissed-off employee of yours.

I am very confused....

2007-11-02T02:34:00.000-04:00

My life just is not where it needs to be. It is hard for me to understand what I am supposed to do.

My thoughts on many girls have befudled me for many an age now, and it does not look like these thoughts will soon subside and cease troubling my subconscious. Who am I kidding? Life is nothing like what we think it is. Not even the reasonable, logical side to our thought processes can always predict what actual humans will do. These random, unpredictable actions scare me. I have chosen to reveal myself to a girl that I had a crush on. Unfortuneately, I was not affored the honour of being able to tell her to her face, and thus had to resort to the rather impersonal medium of Facebook. It was also unfortunate that she has turned me down.

The list of females seems always a steady list, with very little fluctuation in numbers. The names change every so often, but the numbers don't. I tend to think of it in a negative light when I actually begin to consider the girls that are proposed to me by facultry and staff of my school.

Neither am I sure of my physical health anymore. My bones begin to creak and pop more and more often as I transfer from sitting or squatting to standing. I feel tired everyday, and I do not have as much energy as I once had. I often wonder what I should do with myself. There just does not seem to be any energy left in these weary bones.

My job also seems to have lost its charm for me. Lately, I seem to have messed up more and more with my co-workers. They neither appreciate, nor seem to look forward to my sardonic references. However, this is not my personal problem, it is something that they have need to settle within themselves.

I have no idea what to do with my life right now. It seems that I am just going through the motions of living.