Perhaps the reader has heard of an event called Happening. It is a chance for teenagers to treat other teenagers to the love of G-d, and to show them what G-d's love can do for others. This past weekend was the most recent Happening weekend, Happening #50.
During the past few months, I have dealt with some internal struggles about the complexities of life, such as the existance of G-d, the social order of humans, and the relationships between members of our species.
While I have decided that G-d Himself does exsist, it is in a manner that is not pleasing to many.
Below are two (or three, depending on how you look at it) reasons as to why I choose not to participate in this past Happening:
First: G-dliness is a quality that, theoretically, is one of the most coveted qualities of the American people. While I believe in the existance of G-d, I cannot claim that I am a "very" G-dly person. I do not see it as the utmost important thing in life anymore. Therefore, I cannot stand to believe that I would fit in very well there anymore.
First(b): Because of this, I feel that the activities would be better suited for a younger group of teenagers (since I have completed secondary school and am past the primary staff age of the weekend) that show more Chistian-like attitudes. (For why I am writing the name of G-d the way I am, visit [link] and scroll to "Writing the Name of G-d"
Second: I have heard rumours of a certain person being at the weekend. I have my doubts of how well the weekend would have turned out for her, myself, and those unfortunate few that happened to get beteen us. About a year and a few months ago, I severely pissed her off. I highly doubt that she has gotten over her justified anger at me.
In my opinion, that is simply not an element that should be present for this kind of weekend.
25 November 2008
19 November 2008
Glaciers
I resumed my place next to her. There are opposing points to going to the watercloset: I'd rather not loose any time with her if at all humanly possible. Contrariwise, there is just something about how good it feels to come back to my seat knowing that I'm the one sitting next to her. It's nothing like sitting on a train, where you don't know the person next to you, and you'd rather not touch them if you could because that would be awkward and somewhat embarrassing. But to know that you belong there....
I resume my place next to her.
We are watching some television show. It may be Airwolf, it may be Gilmore Girls. I don't remember. We both enjoyed watching it. Maybe Lorelai was chatting up Stringfellow, who knows? I turn my head toward her to see if she is crying or some other similar emotion. Se isn't....yet. But I can tell that she expects me to chat her up some. She may even expect it to be how Lorelai chats up Luke. But I know that it won't. It never will be, I'm just not like Lorelai. I'm more like Rory than she can ever know.
She turns her beautiful face towards me.
As her eyes search my features, I can see only glaciers. Ice cold glaciers. I look into her eyes...deeper and deeper, search for anything that can explain how something so beautiful can be put in something so flawed as a human. I see nothing yet but a small spark. Perhaps it is her soul? The Jews believe that it's possible to see one's soul in the eyes. Maybe it's an attraction in her eyes that I see? At this point, the house could fall in around me and I wouldn't notice. And the spark grows into a flame. It builds larger and larger into a fire. A fire dancing on the cold surface of ice glaciers, what a sight it makes. I find it to be even more attractive than Bella to either Edward or Jacob.
I can feel my eyes. Plain green, there is nothing distinguishing about them. They don't burn with desire, they don't smolder, smoke, or even give the tiniest puff. They're dead.
She turns back toward the TV, and I lay my arm around her to know that it just wasn't the time for me to try. She leans her head upon my shoulder, and with that simple act I can feel that I have been given all of the goodness and joy in life.
She smiles and purrs like a cat. Life is indeed good.
If only it weren't a dream.
I resume my place next to her.
We are watching some television show. It may be Airwolf, it may be Gilmore Girls. I don't remember. We both enjoyed watching it. Maybe Lorelai was chatting up Stringfellow, who knows? I turn my head toward her to see if she is crying or some other similar emotion. Se isn't....yet. But I can tell that she expects me to chat her up some. She may even expect it to be how Lorelai chats up Luke. But I know that it won't. It never will be, I'm just not like Lorelai. I'm more like Rory than she can ever know.
She turns her beautiful face towards me.
As her eyes search my features, I can see only glaciers. Ice cold glaciers. I look into her eyes...deeper and deeper, search for anything that can explain how something so beautiful can be put in something so flawed as a human. I see nothing yet but a small spark. Perhaps it is her soul? The Jews believe that it's possible to see one's soul in the eyes. Maybe it's an attraction in her eyes that I see? At this point, the house could fall in around me and I wouldn't notice. And the spark grows into a flame. It builds larger and larger into a fire. A fire dancing on the cold surface of ice glaciers, what a sight it makes. I find it to be even more attractive than Bella to either Edward or Jacob.
I can feel my eyes. Plain green, there is nothing distinguishing about them. They don't burn with desire, they don't smolder, smoke, or even give the tiniest puff. They're dead.
She turns back toward the TV, and I lay my arm around her to know that it just wasn't the time for me to try. She leans her head upon my shoulder, and with that simple act I can feel that I have been given all of the goodness and joy in life.
She smiles and purrs like a cat. Life is indeed good.
If only it weren't a dream.
18 November 2008
Photogenic?
There is/was an old grouping of people, whom I believe to be the North American Indians, that had an "irrational" fear of cameras because they believed that photographs stole part of a person's soul. Most modern persons and scientists disregard this as huey. After all, how can an impression of a scene made by light onto a special chemically treated piece of paper hold part of someone's soul? That just does not make sense.
But, what if it did? What if photographs actually did hold part of a person's life force? There would suddenly become a small fear of being able to die. If part of one's soul is locked away, trapped, then how can one truly die and continue on to the next life?
All of the geniuses who spend their lives locked away in the lab discovering cures for diseases and inventing things that will improve our lives will die. The superficial vain little girls? Because they have photographs of themselves abounding out the wazoo, they shall live forever. Life's sardonic irony.
Personally, I do not take that many photographs. On the rare occasions that I do, it is usually of the landscape or other scenery, not of myself. It is not that I believe myself to be non-photogenic. I am a fairly attractive person. I merely do not believe in photographing one's self multiple times within the same year. Thusly, if anyone was ever interested to know, that is why I do not have twenty shots of my face from nineteen different angles.
But, what if it did? What if photographs actually did hold part of a person's life force? There would suddenly become a small fear of being able to die. If part of one's soul is locked away, trapped, then how can one truly die and continue on to the next life?
All of the geniuses who spend their lives locked away in the lab discovering cures for diseases and inventing things that will improve our lives will die. The superficial vain little girls? Because they have photographs of themselves abounding out the wazoo, they shall live forever. Life's sardonic irony.
Personally, I do not take that many photographs. On the rare occasions that I do, it is usually of the landscape or other scenery, not of myself. It is not that I believe myself to be non-photogenic. I am a fairly attractive person. I merely do not believe in photographing one's self multiple times within the same year. Thusly, if anyone was ever interested to know, that is why I do not have twenty shots of my face from nineteen different angles.
16 November 2008
Update
I thought that I should start to update my blog, seeing as how I did create one and whatnot. Thus:
I sit here, thinking of the newest attraction in my life. It is 0657 Zulu, and I am exhausted. I was not supposed to be at work today, however a coworker did not show up, and my management asked me to cover for him. The only good thing about that is that I got to see this new girl.
As usual, I asked the few people that I trusted for some quick advice on how to proceed. As I sat on a break at work one day, I discussed this with another coworker who informed me that she would be more than willing to let the girl that I like, we shall call her Sheep (for that is the meaning of her Hebrew name), know that I like her. A few days later I receive the response that Sheep is not interested in being anything more than friends at this point.
It is disappointing, but not to be unexpected. This has happened many times before, and it will not cease to happen, I am sure. I find, however, some comfort in the way that her answer was presented to me: "at this time." I interpret this to mean that there may still be a small sliver of hope in the future. Sheep may interpret this as a way of saying "No" later, but at this point, who really cares?
I am constantly being reminded that it is a bad idea to date a coworker. That is a fine and dandy rule to live by....if there are other options. I notice that there are very few, very limited places that one may come across a potential mate: religious organisations (i.e. churches, synagogues, mosques), places of employment, schools, and the "nightclub scene" (i.e. bars, clubs, etc.). The Youth Director at my religious establishment has placed dating members of our "Youth Group" as an "off-limits" area, I am not yet old enough (legally) to enter nightclubs (nor do I have the desire to), nor am I enrolled at any educational institution. That only leaves my place of employment. Oh well.
Or, I forget the technology sector, I could use the Internet. Oddly enough, the few females that I meet online I end up getting along with smashingly. The problem with continuing the relationship into the "real world" is the fact that they often live very far from myself, such as the Midwest or the Western seaboard (I am currently residing on the Eastern seaboard).
Nonetheless, I sit, enjoying a can of TaB, wondering where my life will lead me. Perhaps I should apply to Rose-Hulman Institute of Technology? In about a year's worth of time, that is approximately where I would want to be anyway, far from home and close to a friend.
I sit here, thinking of the newest attraction in my life. It is 0657 Zulu, and I am exhausted. I was not supposed to be at work today, however a coworker did not show up, and my management asked me to cover for him. The only good thing about that is that I got to see this new girl.
As usual, I asked the few people that I trusted for some quick advice on how to proceed. As I sat on a break at work one day, I discussed this with another coworker who informed me that she would be more than willing to let the girl that I like, we shall call her Sheep (for that is the meaning of her Hebrew name), know that I like her. A few days later I receive the response that Sheep is not interested in being anything more than friends at this point.
It is disappointing, but not to be unexpected. This has happened many times before, and it will not cease to happen, I am sure. I find, however, some comfort in the way that her answer was presented to me: "at this time." I interpret this to mean that there may still be a small sliver of hope in the future. Sheep may interpret this as a way of saying "No" later, but at this point, who really cares?
I am constantly being reminded that it is a bad idea to date a coworker. That is a fine and dandy rule to live by....if there are other options. I notice that there are very few, very limited places that one may come across a potential mate: religious organisations (i.e. churches, synagogues, mosques), places of employment, schools, and the "nightclub scene" (i.e. bars, clubs, etc.). The Youth Director at my religious establishment has placed dating members of our "Youth Group" as an "off-limits" area, I am not yet old enough (legally) to enter nightclubs (nor do I have the desire to), nor am I enrolled at any educational institution. That only leaves my place of employment. Oh well.
Or, I forget the technology sector, I could use the Internet. Oddly enough, the few females that I meet online I end up getting along with smashingly. The problem with continuing the relationship into the "real world" is the fact that they often live very far from myself, such as the Midwest or the Western seaboard (I am currently residing on the Eastern seaboard).
Nonetheless, I sit, enjoying a can of TaB, wondering where my life will lead me. Perhaps I should apply to Rose-Hulman Institute of Technology? In about a year's worth of time, that is approximately where I would want to be anyway, far from home and close to a friend.
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