Law of Equivalent Exchange

"Humankind cannot gain anything without first giving something in return. To obtain, something of equal value must be lost. That is alchemy's First Law of Equivalent Exchange. In those days, we really believed that to be the world's one, and only, truth." -Alphonse Elric, Fullmetal Alchemist



People say that Christmas is a time for family. I tend to find it as a good time for reflection.

Four years ago, in the first nine weeks of school, I was a happy child. I had finally entered high school, I had friends, I was proud to be part of the school's Cross Country team, I loved my teachers, and I had good classmates (except for my fourth block class). There was even a slight possibility for me to have developed a relationship with a girl in my third block class. But, it was not to last. I made a choice, and that choice changed my life.

I chose to leave public schooling.

Since then, I have had the "honour" of attending four different high schools. At each of these schools, there have only been a few things that I have enjoyed about each school. At one, it was the ease of classes, at another it was the people. My choice led me away from the happiness that I had once known. Yes, each of the schools has taught me something, and I have become much more wise than I ever have been before, but was it really worth it? Was any of it really worth the pain, the effort, the Hell that I had been through? Let us take a look at it and see.

At the public school, my classes were easy. With the exception of my advanced class, I essentially did nothing, and yet received an "A." In the advanced class, I actually had to do work to get that "A."
The majority of the people I ignored, and they, likewise. Those that I did have interactions with were descent enough to me that it was tolerable.
The layout of the school, once gotten used to, actually made sense.

In my current school, I actually have to apply myself. It is a feeling that I am not used to at all.
The people are actually nice to me. They do not treat me like dirt, and the majority seem to care about what happens to me....especially about what happens between myself and a girl at the school.
The layout of the school makes no sense whatsoever, but I have learned it.

I guess that I ended up trading my contentment and comfort (of which is most valuable to me) for something just short of happiness (which is also of the utmost value to me). Perhaps I did not exchange anything, but merely transformed comfort into happiness?

What an interesting turn of events

The below issue has been resolved, with a public majority in favour of Scenario One to Scenario Three twenty to three, and Scenario Two received no votes in its favour.

However, my school has decided to host a Christmas Banquet for the students. I asked the girl in Scenario Three if she would like to attend it with me. She replied that she could not on account of her grandfather's birthday that weekend. That, while somewhat disappointing, was nothing compared to the private (meaning blocked number) phone call I received ten to twenty minutes after the question was proposed by an anonymous male acquaintance of hers informing me that I should "just leave Susan* the fuck alone." This was quite a blow to my nerves, as she herself in our instant messages had never implied that she would rather not have me contact her, unless saying that she is rather sick and cannot talk on the phone is the hint that I cannot absorb into my thick cranium.

*Name has been changed.

"Susan," while a very attractive girl that I like, is not worth my prolonged lamentations. Instead, I weep for my severely bruised pride on account of the girl in Scenario One. As I have already implied, I like Jessica* quite a lot. However, relationships across religious boundaries are rather difficult to maneuver. Not that she is not a Christian, but rather a different denomination of Christianity than I am.
None of this makes any difference one way or another, seeing as I have yet to met the father, receive either parent's blessing (except for the marriage project on which we are jointly working), or to have completely won over the affections of young Miss "Jessica." She has decided that she simply is not interested in banquets at this point in time, no matter the cause, and thus will not be joining me to the school on Sunday, 16 December. The rest of the student body considers us an "item" because we spend every available moment together. So, when asked if I was going to the banquet, especially with someone, the entire campus (who all have lunch together, explaining why we are in the same room) let out a collective moan of disappointment for me when I stated that I would be attending and she would not.

*Again, name has been changed.

It is time for Focus

Seniour Marriage Project:
The goal: learn about the challenges and "joys" of being married
The result: Eh, who knows? It all depends on the amount of effort put in...


Briefing:


Scenario One:
At 1100 hours, Tuesdays, Thursdays, and any other day I bother to drive up there, I find myself happily living in my own little dream world. There are two inhabitants: herself and I. Luckily, she is every bit as crazy as I am. And any day that we are on the same campus, we spend every available moment together. She is so wonderful to me, I've never had anyone truly care this much (outside of two or three very close friends). For some strange reason, I cannot comprehend how there can be two people that are just so crazy.


Scenario Two:
As explained previously, I went to a church retreat, and pranked some college guys. They said that they would kill me, so I made plans to finish up my life. They included graduating high school (having someone write "Congratulations, you've graduated high school!" on some paper), having kids (totally out, I don't want to ruin her life), and getting married (which would be as simple as proposing, and having her say yes). The first two didn't work, but the third did. She is a wonderful girl, even if she is friends with my ex-girlfriend. However, she already has a boyfriend (and after the weekend, she "divorced" me because of him). We are still good friends, however.


Scenario Three:
Same church retreat, I met another girl in my small group. About my height, curly blonde hair, single. She seems to be everything that I'm looking for in a girl (blonde and has a pulse). While I know next to nothing about her, we have started conversing on Facebook, although we have not gotten very far yet. But, she hasn't said no yet. Albiet, I haven't asked.


The Problem:
No man is lucky enough to be able to date two or more girls at the same time, and end up with a favourable outcome. Hence, you come in. I need your help. While I try to get anywhere with all three, I am only entitled to having one. Which one should I focus my attention on?

Can Fates Change?

It was a normal Tuesday, or as normal as my days are. Going to school with people of a different religious background is quite a challenge. Either way, I met yet another girl. The unusual thing is that she is also displaying a fancy for me as well.

We have second block together. It was not until about three weeks ago that one of my teachers suggested that I get to know her better. I chose to do so by beginning to sit next to her in class. This, thus far, has worked quite well. It has evolved to the point that when we are on the same campus, we spend every available moment together.

The Tuesday was unique in that the school had an ACT preparation class (primarily for the Juniors) lasting from our advisory time after first block through second, and ending at lunch. I, being a Senior, could not and did not attend. Instead, I went to my second block class as normal, only missing the newest person in my abnormal life. Class ended and I packed up my things preparing for the afternoon repast. It was obvious that the ACT preparation class had let out early, due to the fact that she was standing at the door to our second block classroom, waiting for me. We did not exchange salutations, nor have we ever. We have never seen a need for them. As I held the door open to let out the torrent of students eager to receive their meals, I explained to her what she had missed in class that day. As the doorway cleared, I began to make my way out of the room, with her, to our usual spot to dine together. I thoroughly enjoyed the mealtime with her, as I always do.

As I rode the school's transportation to my local campus to get in my car, I thought back on the day, highlighting our time together. I came to remember that she had come all the way across the school for me. Specifically for me, and only me. Never before has anyone shown enough care towards me to do that. Never. As I adjust from eating on my own, away from the others and happily enjoying my own little world to eating with another human being, I will always think back to that Tuesday, remembering how she came. It is an odd feeling, but I am adjusting to it favourably.

I AM NOT A TRASH RECEPTICLE!!!

To that one manager at my job,

I am not a trash bin. Do not place your used candy wrappers, scrap paper, and the like in my shirt pocket. That is not what it is for. I use it to hold pens and my tips for the night. You may ask me to throw away your garbage for you, for I have no problems with that. Just do not make me the trash can.

Sincerely,
One pissed-off employee of yours.

I am very confused....

My life just is not where it needs to be. It is hard for me to understand what I am supposed to do.









My thoughts on many girls have befudled me for many an age now, and it does not look like these thoughts will soon subside and cease troubling my subconscious. Who am I kidding? Life is nothing like what we think it is. Not even the reasonable, logical side to our thought processes can always predict what actual humans will do. These random, unpredictable actions scare me. I have chosen to reveal myself to a girl that I had a crush on. Unfortuneately, I was not affored the honour of being able to tell her to her face, and thus had to resort to the rather impersonal medium of Facebook. It was also unfortunate that she has turned me down.







The list of females seems always a steady list, with very little fluctuation in numbers. The names change every so often, but the numbers don't. I tend to think of it in a negative light when I actually begin to consider the girls that are proposed to me by facultry and staff of my school.








Neither am I sure of my physical health anymore. My bones begin to creak and pop more and more often as I transfer from sitting or squatting to standing. I feel tired everyday, and I do not have as much energy as I once had. I often wonder what I should do with myself. There just does not seem to be any energy left in these weary bones.





My job also seems to have lost its charm for me. Lately, I seem to have messed up more and more with my co-workers. They neither appreciate, nor seem to look forward to my sardonic references. However, this is not my personal problem, it is something that they have need to settle within themselves.


I have no idea what to do with my life right now. It seems that I am just going through the motions of living.