Re: Fools and Kings

Yea, life is tolerable. The honesty of the entire matter is that there were only ever four plausible answers to my predicament. Three girls, and the always present option of staying single and unattached. I have decided that I have been unattached too long, and am in need of female companionship.

Option #4: To stay single until the proper time presents itself. Nein. As I have already said, I am lonely.

Option #3: Girl on partner campus. Distance of approx 5 hours 45 minutes. Currently, she still has a boyfriend. However, she tells me that she is displeased with him, saying that he is too immature. If I lived closer to her, I might consider pursuing her. Alas, as far as I know, she is still unavailable.

Option #2: Girl in Illinois. While I have never met her in person, we did meet on Facebook (yes, I understand the risks in this) and have been calling each other recently, as in, over the past week. Distance of approx 12 hours 12 minutes away. While she is considerably farther from me than option #3, I think that we have the best chemistry. We talk as often as possible, and can do so for hours at a time without running short of conversation topics. She has either led me on more, or sincerely likes me as much as I like her. I do hope that it is the latter.

Option #1: Girl from "Jesus camp". Distance of approx 1 hour 30 minutes. I met her about a year to a year and a half ago. We, as many people tend to believe, have a good mix of chemistry. Ever since I have met her, I knew that I liked her very much. And every time I would always hope that she would return the next session. Every time. We have become pretty good friends, talking every now and again about this, that, and the other thing. I've always enjoyed our conversations. The only drawback is that I tend to find that we run out of conversation topics.


The results:
I have eliminated half of the options. Options # 3 & 4 have been done away with. Which only leaves Options # 1 & 2. I talk to both of them. I always enjoy those talks. Lasting until late in the morning, I can always count on starting my day off well. Those conversations keep me going through the day. It's wonderful. But the scales are almost balanced. The weights lead to one side. And I'm not really sure if it's a good thing or not.

Like my previous "girlfriend," I enjoy the role of protector and overseer. Somewhere between fatherly protection of his offspring and the deepest love of a friend, I know that I am not always the best at "protecting" my friends from whatever harm comes their way. Part of that comes from the fact that I live so far away from them, and also from the fact that I have had rather stunted relationships with others, even platonic friendships have been stunted. It is because of this that I do not have the best advice to pass along to my friends.

Thus, it deeply pains me to see any of them get into trouble with others, or to be in pain. Even for me to hear that they are in trouble is difficult for me to bear. I have friends who cut themselves. Everyday, I wish that there is something that I could do to help them to quit that horrendous habit.
One of them is the girl in Option #1. I understand that she comes from a difficult background, and that not many things have gone "right" in her life. But I also see her as a beautiful girl, angelic in complexion, a voice from the Heavens, and just the kindest spirit that any mere mortal could possess. Perhaps that is what is so difficult for me; knowing that my angel is troubled and there is nothing that I can do to help her unfurl her wings to take flight again. I just do not know what to do to help.

To the contrary, the girl in Option #2 is at a slightly less mortal disadvantage. She lives slightly more than 12 hours away from me. Our affections for each other are almost undeniable. Almost. We flirt constantly. When I can, I call her and we talk for at least an hour at a time (and it would be more if we did not have things to do, like getting our parents to quit yelling at us for being on the phone for hours at a time). I have absolutely no idea when we would be able to see each other, or even if that would be possible before the summer vacation.
And yet, I am still strongly attracted to her. Possibly my feeling of a "need" for companionship drives me to it....perhaps not. I tell her that she is beautiful. She tells me that she loves my jokes. The compliments go back and forth forever. It is very appealing, this possibility of a relationship.

Even the possibility would mean that I would have to forget my standing attraction and desire for the first girl. And unless some genius man comes up with a foil-proof way of dating two girls at the same time, my choice remains. While I love each as dearly as I do any other close friend of mine, I cannot reject one for the other at the moment. This is where I become caught between the rock and the hard place. Neither side is willing to budge even an inch.

Perhaps the worst part of all of this is that one girl knows of the predicament, and the stuggle that I face...the other girl is completly oblivious. Karasu, how sad you are. You cannot trust your closest friends with the truth. Maybe the easiest option is the best one for right now: Option #4?
One will never know. There are only two forces in this universe that could ever answer that question: the immortal force of time itself, and the divine G-d. Nein, neither will tell me.