Ignorance

I sit here in my house, procrastinating from doing my homework because I find it uninteresting. As I sit here, I realise a handful of things. Firstly, I am somewhat tired from the volunteer work that I did yesterday, and I'd much rather not have Hamlet rehearsals Tuesday. It would be nice just to sit and relax with friends.

Secondly, I am coming to believe that I will most likely fail at least two classes this term. One out of sheer ignorance of the material, the second for failing to complete the assigned tasks. And I am OK with failing the first class.

Thirdly, I saw Protector again yesterday for the first time in a week. We made peace about our disagreement, and then she spritzed me with some sort of perfume. Now, a day later, I still smell of the perfume. While it is irritating to smell like perfume, I enjoy it because it reminds me of all of the good of yesterday.

Fourthly, my personal co-ordinating skills are absolute crap. I cannot manage to arrange a meeting between myself and friends to save my life. I can't recall the last time that I saw Protector before yesterday, and I highly doubt that I can convince her to leave school with me to go for a walk in the park anytime later this week. I have also tried to meet with another friend that was introduced to me by my theatre director. I have had no luck with that, either, despite the fact that she knows more and more about me.

Fifthly, I am a horribly pathetic man. I lack several of the "manly" qualities that I am supposed to have, like physical strength, interest in American football, etc. The aforementioned, as well as the fact that I will openly admit to several emotions, such as the fact that I miss seeing and being with Protector when I am not with her.

Sixthly and finally, I know and understand nothing about women. It is a horribly terrifying thought to me, and one that I hope that I will never have to live with for long. If you need an example, I remember that Protector told me something that I simply do not understand yesterday, nor does anyone that I asked about it.

Another example is how some women like chocolate, and others do not. I'll never understand that.

Enlightenment

My latest history exam was on the Enlightenment. I feel that I adequately BS-ed my way to at least a high "F" score.

On a more personal note, I was enlightened that Protector is not appreciative of my excessive excitability and/or (mostly the and) clingy-ness. Therefore, I will work on calming down, and not being so clingy. I make no promises about reducing my envy, however.

Repentance

Surprisingly, my theorized trajectory for my life seems to have repented toward the positive.

Without regard to the odd commentary post from a schoolmate on the entry below, I'm well pleased with this turn of events. Lectures pass along uneventfully, and club activities are more numerous. In fact, the science club will be going on a field trip to a local aquarium today, 6 February. Having been three or four times within the past two years to this particular aquarium, I'm not exactly ecstatic about going on the trip. What excites me is the fact that I'll be bringing along a new friend (who shall be referred to by the French meaning of her name, "to protect," thus she is Protector) with me. She is incredibly attractive, somewhat witty, perfectly cynical, Libertarian, and [insert list of other positive qualities]. What's more, she actually seems interested in me. Body language, body position (in relation to my position), general eye contact, etc. indicate that she seems to have the same level of interest in me that I have in her, and other people that I spend time with (my boss, "Snakes" namely) have commented on it (and the comments tend to be positive and encouraging).
I am pleased with this.

Rehearsals are sailing along. While it seems that our Hamlet struggles with the vocabulary of the time, he is not the only actor to have those problems, and he compensates with sheer dedication.

And I met an architecture student this week. She lives in the next town over, and seems interesting, if not bored in class. Depending on whether or not she goes into civil engineering, I might ask her to design my "dream house." (Imagine antebellum, sheltered by several acres of woods, at least two stories.)

I've met many new students in the past week, and properly assimilated them into my network. Several have already benefited from my vast knowledge of the school and its personnel.

That's all that I can think would be different. If I ever decide to quit procrastinating, I'll work on a deviancy project for Sociology. And if you're lucky, dear reader, I'll write about it here.

Dubious

Apparently, I attempt to fulfill Maslow's third tier of his infamous hierarchy with busyness. I replace my need of love with slight gratitude taken from many in my in-numerous activities at my university.
Of course, this also prevents me from feeling lonely, or rested, for that matter. But I'm OK with this, as I'd much rather feel nothing than a gnawing pain from a lack of fulfillment of Maslow's third tier.
Perhaps it would help you follow my flow of consciousness if I were to enlighten you:
On Mondays and Wednesdays, I arrive at uni at around 0730 hours, and begin instructional lectures at 0800 hours. With 0015 hour intervals between classes (slightly enough time to go to the WC and squeeze into the next lecture hall), I continue until 1345 hours. On Mondays, I work as a writing tutor at 1400 hours. Usually on Wednesdays, I'm also in the writing centre, volunteering to take on extra sessions at no cost. However, with the starting up of clubs again for the term, that will soon cease. My shift officially ends at 1600 hours, and I usually leave around 1610 hours to 1615 hours. From there, I have two hours to do whatever, which I usually spend eating for the first time that day. At 1800 hours, students gather for the theatre rehearsals, which run until roughly 2200 hours to no later than 2230 hours. Once rehearsals are completed, I make my one hour ten minute commute home.
On Tuesdays and Thursdays, I arrive at uni around 0730 hours as well. (I find that a consistent schedule prevents abnormalities in the circadian cycle.) My first lecture begins at 0930 hours, thus I spend the first two hours at uni either preparing for my classes of the day, or getting caught up with e-mails to my professors. At 1045 hours when my first lecture dismisses, I sprint to work at the tutoring centre to work from 1100 hours to 1300 hours. (Technically, I only work on Tuesdays, but I volunteer on Thursdays much like I do on Wednesdays.) If I find pleasure in my performance that day, I reward myself with lunch. Either way, I will spend whatever little time before my 1400 hour lecture reviewing my notes and homework (read: I hastily do my foreign language homework 0010 hours before lectures begin). After, I dash across campus for my last lecture, which will release at 1645 hours. I enjoy dinner with friends, and depart for rehearsals, again leaving some time between 2205 hours and 2230 hours for my home.

When I am not in class, I discuss relevant issues with my professors, feebly attempt to increase my professional network, and work on club projects. I preside over the uni's Science club, which takes a vast amount of free time to co-ordinate. Our current problem is a defective Secretary, who will be replaced at the next club meeting. Other clubs (Psychology/Sociology, etc) sadly usually only are graced with my presence, and not my dedicated work. The student body's newspaper is starting up again, which will require my time to miss lectures to cover events that only happen to occur in conflict with my schedule (read: I'm either working or in class at 1400 hours, when events usually occur). Because I attend a small uni, most of my professors are understanding and do not mind my missing too many lectures to cover the events as long as I keep up with the work. Now, since I receive e-mails from the CAB's advisor (Campus Activity Board), the Director of Student Activities, I suppose myself to officially be a part of this club, instead of just a volunteer. What this means is that I skip lectures to work events for CAB, then write up a report of the event when it is done.

I have not heard from the Welcome Centre, where I occasionally volunteer as a tour guide for local high schools and other orientation-type events. I can only assume that they are hastily preparing for the next orientation, before which they will ring me asking for my assistance once more, which in dubiously I will give.

But hey, that's just my regular week in a nutshell. I happen to love it because it fits my personality and prevents me from focusing on the negative in my life. True, it would be nice to have more of a social life than just knowing maybe 4-5% of the entire student population, and two or three departments' worth of professors, but I'm content with the once-in-a-blue-moon type trips that I and friends make. This past Thursday we decided to blow off work to go to a local playground. Quite enjoyable, but not all the time.

Oh, I forgot to mention two things: firstly (and most important), extra volunteer events are popping up on the uni's calendar. A junior high school's science competition will be hosted by the uni at the end of February. Yours truly will be volunteering for this, as well. Secondly, one of the young tutors that I work with believes (along with her mum) that I "do too much" and 'blah-blah-blah' too much stress. So, she is attempting to start a petition to make me drop something off of my schedule. I mean, just because I'm deluding myself into thinking that I can handle the workload doesn't mean that I'm harming anyone else. Why does she see need to do this? It's a shame, too, because were it not for that I would be much more inclined to view her as quite attractive. (Heheh, like I have time for anything/anyone else in my life at the moment.)

I further find this a disappointment because there is that deeper human desire to grow, to share, to be with someone. No amount of busyness, "noise," or anything else will be able to fully distract from that need. This is most irritating in that I have never truly learned how to develop a friendship, yet it is one of the things for which I strive the hardest, particularly for a friendship with a member of the opposite gender (opposite sex as well, preferably. The difference is quickly explained here.). There were two young ladies that I met last semester, with whom I've attempted to build a descent relation. This has been done rather haphazardly, and has met with the expected results for such efforts. As well, each in turn was taught of my romantic inclinations toward each of themselves, respectively. Both of them rejected me, which is fine, as I soon forgot because both young ladies introduced me, either directly or indirectly, to a young lady friend of theirs. The older of the two young ladies that I met (referred to as "A," for she came first chronologically, the other is "B") directly introduced me to one of her best friends ("C"), who was treated as A and B was soon reproduced A's choices. This is all well and good, as I am attempting to sever ties with A and C as much as possible.

This leaves the friend of B, a girl known as "D." D was introduced indirectly to me by B, and B and D have since suffered an estrangement of their friendship. Regardless of the circumstances, B seems to hold no expressed opinion on my preferred inclinations toward D (indeed, it would be nigh impossible for B to since I have never told her). D's profile on a social networking site indicates that she is interested in searching for friendship and "dating" (however it is defined in this day and age). There is a two year difference in our ages, which is the socially accepted limit for our age group. In private message conversations, we seem to get along decently well, and she has expressed interest in viewing a moving picture show that I own. Were this somehow to work out for my benefit (and her's as well, hopefully), I will be joyed and call this the best attempt at a romantic relationship that I have had in nigh four years. Sadly, I do not see at the moment this progressing far beyond a beginning stage.

I must find a way to make this fragile acquaintance relationship between D and myself grow stronger, deeper, and better. I am nauseated of my failures, and I will find a way to prevent them in the future.