Faded Photograph Collecting Dust

I never told you. First, I haven't seen you since we last spoke, but more importantly, I didn't think that you'd care. All the same, I wanted to tell you that I kept your photograph that you gave me. You were my first relationship, and true, it did not work out, but your photo still sits on my nightstand.

I keep it not because I enjoy the fact that your smiling face is the last thing that I see each day, or because I believe that you are the physical embodiment of an angel (I do believe those things), but I keep it rather, because, it is a reminder of hope. Not the hope of a bright new future, or a world without war, or any of that nonsense, but hope for me that there is still one crazy, lovely, and brilliant young lady in the world that knows how to put up with me, and even on the rare day, find my antics attractive and charming.

I keep your photograph because it helps to remind me of the (hopefully good) memories that we share. I know that it wasn't much. But still, you offered me more than you know: joy, for a short time, in thinking that sometimes life can slow down so that we may enjoy the minute details such as a picnic lunch; a chat about a topic that we both find intriguing; or just the knowledge that despite our having different viewpoints on a matter, two people can sit and have a civil debate (not argument) based on mutual respect and a desire to understand the other person's viewpoint, where facts and opinions can be fleshed out, viewed rationally, and agreed upon, all within the context of civility.

While it did not last, I am not ashamed of our relationship. In fact, quite the opposite. Having the honor of getting to know you was (and still is) a high point in my life. I do hope that I can find another that can be as kind to me as you were. It is the hope that keeps me going when times are rough inside my storming mind. And that slightly faded photograph of yours is the beacon with which I can guide myself to safety inside that storm. Despite the dust that covers it from the passage of time, the hope still shines through.

Free Consultation

First and foremost: I have a kick ass Resident Director. She doesn't even know my name, but she took my side when another RD came citing me as a "problem" with another resident. I have no idea what my RD's name is, but she kicks ass.

Second: College students, when biking around town at 0200 because there is nothing to do, and facebook has gone to bed, stay away from the schools. Cops (three of them, at least) tend to swarm you with quicker-than-normal responce times. They can be nice, even if you are a "suspicious Caucasian male in a dark jacket on a bike." They let me go without any hassle, at least.

That being said, I just biked around town for the majority of three and a half hours, pushing my endurance beyond its current limit. I am going to chug a bottle of water, and then sleep for two hours before I wake for class.

Uncertainty

For some reason, the Deistic power has seen fit to smile upon my vain efforts for the time being. The girl from the post "The Truly Expected Results" has agreed to spend some amount of time with me. For the time being, I can settle for lunch every now and again, and some talking as we walk around campus....for the time being.
I even convinced her to watch a movie with me, and despite the fact that we couldn't find a DVD player, I would say that we had an enjoyable time just talking and watching television for two hours. It's a start. Were she not so bogged down with exams, I might even feel confident enough to ask her on another date. Maybe after mid-terms?

Transitioning to news that is purely good: I made friends with two music and art majors. It's almost a package deal, really. They're practically joined at the hip, and they act like sisters. We (the three of us) had a conversation today about boys, men, and their relationship(s) with women. It was quite interesting, and very informative of women's viewpoints on the situation.

And to end on a sour note: How does one tell if one has made the right choice in one's major? I feel that my choice in both theatre and psychology have been right up to this point. But I begin to evaluate myself, and that leads to the downfall. I have no truly special talents in the theatre, except for the passion to do the job. In psychology, I have only the training that I received in class, but that was half-assed anyway (I earned mediocre marks). The analyzing does not come naturally to me, and I have not the skill to "read" people like so many of my friends do.
I wonder what it is that I would be good at. I feel that it cannot be the things that I am passionate for.....it simply does not "click." Perhaps that is part of the (painful) adventure?

Life

As my friend Wolf says, "It's like this."

The Truly Expected Results

I need not go into the back story. Watch any of the stupid cliché romantic comedies today to understand what happens to the village idiot and his attempts at happiness with another to understand.

I met a pretty girl last week. (Yes, again you read this story.) The only difference is that I invited her on a date with me to see a movie that the school was showing. She said yes.
And I understand that close friends and family have great, important value to people. I'm not going to expect to be close enough to her yet for her to give me an explanation, but I would have liked for her to at least tell me that she had to leave campus to go visit one of them instead of having to find out from her roommate when I went to pick her up at her dorm.

I can stand being rejected. And being stood up is something else that I can bare, to an extent. I'm just tired of my deeper fears of betrayal and/or rejection coming to light. I'm sick of expecting it at this point.

I'm truly ready to just give up.

Desiring to Terminate

Chivalry is a tiring trait.

And apparently this is a defining trait for me. I continue to hate the feeling that my attempts to restore life from the old days is wasted and in vain. Either my attempts are unwanted (as they so often are), or they fail early, quickly, and efficiently.

These results make me tired of the continuing pattern in my life. I cannot understand why the women that I attempt to court refuse me so steadfastly. I am tired of being alone, and I am tired of feeling tired of being alone.

DAMN IT!!

I know that I am tired. I have not had much sleep in the past seventy-two hours, and that sort of deprivation leads even neutral thoughts to having a twist of cynicism. But even before that, I find myself growing weary of "cute" and "happy." Advertisements showing "adorable" animals sicken me. That storybook ending that Disney is so famous for nigh induces regurgitation for me...my own personal ipecac. I wish that I knew how to rid myself of this tedium.

My idiotic airs keep my hopes alive for a romantic tale where I finally accept happiness in a situation where I can share my life with another. My realistic side longs for the day that I accept that I will grow old alone. ...Or, at least, die that way.

Sweet relief that would be, having been freed of my fetters to hope and joy.

I must rest soon before I commence yet another thoughtless action. It seems that all I may do now is wait. Next month will mark the day that I either celebrate a red or a yellow flower. At least by then, my mind will no longer be stuck in an eternal battle between two evenly matched options.

Getting One Right

"Never armed our souls/ For what the future would hold/ When we were innocent./ Angels, lend me your might/ Forfeit all my lives to get just one right."

I'm sure that I've posted this song before. But for the first time, I feel that there is a new way for me to look at this. Now, instead of trying to forfeit this life, I can finally take hold of it and comfortably call it mine. When I last worked as a writing tutor, I had an adorable co worker. She is absolutely brilliant, and honestly could fit in perfectly at any Ivy League. And on Thursday, I finally had the nerve to ask her out. It was beautiful.

This semester is my first taking classes in a subject that I am absolutely passionate about: theatre. I'm taking courses from two of my most favorite professors, whom I adore.

I'm not sure how to fully express how happy I am to be back with my family, at home, doing what I love. I suppose that I'll just have to trust that you can understand that as you draw from similar experiences in your life. So, if you'll excuse me, I have to hang out with a close friend in ten hours, and I have to woo a woman over the holiday. And the best part? I'm pretty sure that I'm starting to win.