Alone and Strong

Regarding the last post, neither I nor my friend who wrote the redhead ever received a reply. We have come to the consensus that she is/was fake.

I am tired. I have a final for my summer term class in approximately eight hours, forty-five minutes. I haven't studied, nor have I completed the last writing assignment. I continuously blow off the work in a misguided hope that the work will simply go away. (Obviously, it does not.)

I sit here, in the dark (it's 0145 hours local, everywhere is dark at this time), wondering just what it is that I have done that irritated her (Protector). I thought that we were doing just fine. Summer classes started, things began to slow down, and I saw less and less of her. Eventually, I didn't see her at all. Then the phone calls ceased. At this point, it's been about two weeks since I've spoken with her beyond the point of "Are you free?" "No." "I'll call back later then."

The last six times that her name appears in my call log, it is as an outgoing call. Don't get me wrong, I'm all for the old-fashioned relationship (boy calls the girl, etc). But this is getting ridiculous. Perhaps I'm just not reading this correctly. I know that she works days (0800 or 0900 to about 1700 or 1800) and she has a night class from 2000 to 2200. I have classes from 0830 hours to approximately 1530 hours, and a night class from 1800 to 2000 at the latest. Perhaps she's just too busy right now for me? That should clear up around the end of July when classes terminate, I suppose.

Of course, there's always the option of the last time that I saw her. I just randomly decided to show up at her house on a day that I knew she was off of work. I enjoyed seeing her, I even brought her some flowers (carnations I believe, which she says are her favorites), and we went to the moving picture show. But thinking back on it, just randomly showing up either makes me seem clingy/needy or just plain crazy and/or that I'm a stalker. Both options are bad, so I'm quite hesitant to do that again. ....But then again, if I don't, when is the next time that I'll see her? I just have no idea. And I HATE it. I absolutely despise this feeling (of thinking that I'm in a relationship but being told by all the classic indicators that I'm not) with a great burning passion.

Perhaps that's just what I deserve though? I would have classified myself for eighteen and a half years as having been the traditional "nice guy." You know, the one that always gets screwed over because he's "too nice to date" or something of the like. I feel that I've slowly changed out of that role, and this is my punishment for that. It's a cruel Divine joke, that the first month of my first ever relationship is spectacular beyond all belief, and the rest of it is like having someone stab my heart every day and stomp on my balls (and not in that kinky sexual way)...just to watch me squirm. What a great joke, huh? F**king fantastic. *Shouting to the Heavens* Thanks, God! 'Preciate it.

For me, the worst part is probably knowing that I could have had a better relationship earlier in my life (2-3 earlier, perhaps) if I hadn't been so shallow about such vain things as the girl having to wear glasses or her living an hour away from me. The girl then was fantastic, and I was just an ass. Maybe I should have shown her more kindness, and hopefully that would have prevented her from having a child out of wedlock... I'll never know.

I always knew that I would end up alone in the world. I never expected to get married, or hell, even to date for that matter. I learned from an early age that Disney lied, and that life would be full of more heartaches and heartbreaks than was worth it; I even knew that it would be painful beyond belief. But I never expected this to hurt this much. In case you've decided to keep reading through my rant to this point, I see all of this as the reason that I never wanted to date/be in a relationship.

I have become much too biased in my opinions. As I'm in a relationship, the girl can do no wrong. In general, all men are assholes and the scum of the earth. But apparently, my biased opinions aren't enough to get her to like me again. So, I must resolve to keep strong and go about my business with a chiseled face. I must never let anyone know how much she has hurt me, nor will I let it become evident. I will be strong, showing perseverance in all situations, because hey, we're men and we are strong. Like Marines, semper fi, do or die, and all that jazz. And if you're ever around my place and you hear weeping in sorrow, just ignore it. It's only a broken man trying desperately to hide the last few fragments of his shame from the world.

Letter to a Redhead

Greetings and salutations.

Those that are bored have many avenues to rid themselves of that boredom. Some will inevitably turn to reading personal ads to laugh at the absurdity of their desperation. Thus, I ran across an personal advert in a classifieds web site for an attractive young redhead. As she described herself in the title, she is indeed "cute." Please do not misunderstand; I am still very much devoted to Protector. However, I just could not understand why such an attractive young lady would find herself in need of turning to personal adverts, so I sent her an electronic message, which is posted below:

"Hi, I'm Karasu (I honestly do have a name, which I used, but am not posting here. Surely most of you already know who I am.).

I read your post the first day that you posted it, then I sat back for *calculates time* ....about 14 days and tried to figure out why you would possibly want to be in a relationship.

Now, granted, I'm one of the few guys that understands that men are infinitely inferior to women, but I just don't understand your reasoning. Guys (most of the ones that post on craigslist) usually turn out to be boys, honestly. That, and I've always seen boys as rude, selfish, unclean/unkempt, boisterous, and just plain ugly. The gay men usually aren't so bad, but hey, they're gay and don't often get in relationships with young ladies such as yourself.

I know that my reasons are biased, and for that, I'm sorry. But I also see that your advertisement is correct in that you are a rather attractive young lady. This also entices my curiosity as to why you feel that you should/need to rely on craigslist for a date/boyfriend. Surely there are plenty of guys at work or your university that hit on you to an annoying degree? Perhaps that is not your style. In that case, I find that some young ladies can turn to their friends to set them up with some nice guy (a.k.a. personal/casual networking).

Now, this is merely what I could think of. This may or may not be truthful, and I was hoping that you would be kind enough to enlighten me to your objectives with this post.

If not, then I appreciate you taking the time to read this e-mail anyway.

Have an enjoyable day, and best of luck with the ads,

Karasu"

A link to the advert is provided below to place the letter in context:

http://tinyurl.com/letter-to-a-redhead

Sometimes, personal adverts can be entertaining. I'm curious about the response, if I receive one.

Silly Mortal Concern

I am worried. I do hate to admit this, but it is so.

Classes are the logical first answer to the question "About what?" that you might ask. Negative. My scholastics are doing surprisingly well, albeit three days into the term.

It's about Protector (naturally). Today was probably the worst that I've heard about since finals last Spring. She was sunburned due to working outside today, she fell and hit her head, and she has only eaten once as of the time that I called her. I find that to be horrid news.

But just as bad is the thought that perhaps my relationship is hitting a plateau and becoming a relation-shit. I do hate that. Perhaps it's merely because I am tired. I hope that it is something that simple. Our dates have become much more sporadic, and I miss seeing her on a regular basis. We still have several things planned to do together, don't get me wrong. I just don't get to see her as often as I'd like (meaning twice a day for eight hours at a time). I fear that I am running out of things to converse with her about. After all, asking about each other's day will only carry one so far.

....I just worry.

This is silly and mortal to do. I am better than this. My friends have called me a god before. Gods are better than this. I will not let this affect me so. I will breach the subject with her on Tuesday, and speak of it no more.

Nigh Perfection

I had mentioned a couple of posts earlier that time is fluid. I'm not really sure how to take that. I suppose that I could begin deriving equations for entering Slipstream space via Shaw-Fujikawa Translight generators, but that would take time that I cannot invest. Needless to say, thus, that the statement, in this context, only means that my life seems to have a constant dynamic change every so often, and that the events within my biography are quite docile and static.

Classes have ceased since the beginning of May, thus giving me several weeks to enjoy the company of friends. Summer terms begins immediately (meaning tomorrow), thereby keeping my life fairly static because I must attend class lectures. My friends all seem to be well, aside from issues with companion's parents and whatnot. However, that's part of being in a relationship, is it not?

I am well pleased that my latest eye examination shows my eyesight has not deteriorated. It is fairly close to "perfect" actually.

To elaborate on the "dynamic change" described earlier, I report that I have indeed found myself a companion. She is the first person that I can say that I have dated. I admit that it is an unusual feeling to find myself in a relationship. Those that know her describe her as both "crazy" and "a pistol." The former I comprehend, the latter, not so much. She does indeed seem quite energetic and high-spirited, but there are times when she decreases her energy output to acceptable, even docile, levels. Absolutely amazing, I must admit.

At the time of this post, we have been on approximately five dates and have been dating for three days, six hours shy of one month. I am utterly flabbergasted that within that time-frame, we have moved to a fairly comfortable stage that I believed would only be achieved no sooner than three to four months into a relationship.

Sadly, I do believe that I speak too much of her to my friends, and I worry that I become bothersome to them regarding it. I must remember that I can not speak solely of her to them.

To the opposite hand, she (her presence) has done wonders for me. Throughout my life, I have been a tad "obsessed" (understatement) with persons of the female sex. I thoroughly believe that the time between my junior year of secondary school and the third term of university was the most focused point of that obsession. Since I've met the girl that I'm dating, I would believe myself to have drastically decreased my attentions for other persons of the female sex. Now, this means nothing, seeing as how this has neither been observed by others (that I am aware of), nor has it been confirmed by others. This feeling of "puppy love" for the girl that I am dating seems to have calmed my psyche a tad, and I am quite grateful. For those that are curious, or know her, (or both, I suppose) she is the one known as Protector, who has been introduced in earlier posts.

Otherwise in life, I have become unemployed (again) since my work as a tutor was only for the standard scholastic year which recently terminated. Had the institute where I work had the funds for summer operations, I would ask to work then. However, I can not.

I am quite excited by the chance to move on to a senior university come the Fall term, but I am sad that I will not be able to see the girl that I am dating as often (Yes, I am aware that I am quite "cling-y." Our goodbyes alone last 20-30 minutes.) or, as rumor has it, that I will not have a vehicle for my use once I move. Two minor prices to pay for a uni degree, I suppose.

I cannot think of other updates at the current time.