It is late. Today (yesterday, more specifically) has been nothing in a productive sense. I did a trivial amount of homework, but shortly after came home from the library to eat lunch, and I killed my time fidgeting with the TV. Well, the hour and a half of today really hasn't seen me accomplish that much either, except to write these few pieces. To be honest, yesterday was actually counterproductive, as I was essentially fired from my research assistant-ship by the graduate student I was supposed to be working under. All of her points are valid, especially how I should check my email and be in touch more than once every few weeks. It does nothing to lessen the pain. I admit that I truly looked forward to working on this project. Not to say that the pain is unbearable, but it most certainly isn't fun, either.
My social network at school is incredibly small, and I feel bad turning to the same select two or three to help me resolve my problems every time I turn the corner. It makes me feel like such a burden to them. I never feel that I can make up to them all the times that they have helped me out. It frustrates me both that I do not think I can be as good to them as they are to me and that I have so few to turn to down here. I do not know how to address that issue.
I am also slowly becoming irritated that my job with the school will be (hopefully) coming to an end within the year as I finish my studies. I am not looking forward to having to find a new job, and honestly have not begun the responsible task of starting to look for one.
I find myself with the occasional benefit of running into random people and getting to have their acquaintance. I believe The Narrator describe them to Tyler Durden as "single-serving friends." I met a young lass at a club meeting who caught my fancy. As I walked one of the pathways on campus one day, I strolled past another young lady on a bench. After having the thought that I would probably never see her again and having nothing to lose, I doubled back to ask her opinion on where to take the young lass from the club on a date. She answered, and it took no more than two minutes. Surprising me, she returned tit-for-tat and asked me a question regarding her boyfriend four hours away whom she feared was cheating on her with his ex. We ended up spending an hour and a half discussing the situation. When she grew tired, I walked her to her dorm and gave her my number in case she wanted my help again. I have yet to hear back from her. A "single-serving friend." I find that I enjoy these encounters, perhaps because I see myself as hopefully helping someone or because of their ephemeral nature. Unique, but lovely.
23 September 2012
Unattainable Desire
Unknown to me, her beauty I try to see. Such youth, such splendor! That which I cannot have, alas, belongs to another. An alcoholic at heart, lessons I wish to learn from her, if only to spend more time with her. I want to be her friend, to see her more, to get to know her. Surely she will never feel the same way about me, but it's the thought that counts, right?
Objectively, she really isn't as pretty as the others, but I never notice. Her looks still dazzle me. I wonder if she'll ever know. Probably, but nothing will change. She is tired of being sober; I am tired of behaving like I'm single. It's betrayal for me, but the consequences seem nil, as any repercussions just mean I don't have to hide anymore.
Too many problems arise from relationships of people enclosed in such tight spaces as ours. I'm highly inclined to forget about the problems of the future and live in the moment, for today. Such actions are irresponsible, and I know that. Maybe it's not even her that I'm looking for as it is just someone to have a physical relationship with. I'm so curious, but I have to force myself to wait...on the other half's behalf. The problem with America is the profound number of choices: too many to accurately weigh the right one out. Maybe I just want to enjoy a bad decision, and so I choose her with which to make that happen? She is younger than me...
"The angels dream and waltz tonight." Such were the words that I would utter. Now, it seems that side of me has all but disappeared. I have no idea where, but it cannot be anywhere good. The lights around me seem to fade, dimmer and darker into the nothingness that only the moon can bring out and make beautiful again. I must be tired, as I let the emotions wash over me. I want to stay objective. You never see Spock with these problems. But then again, it is in these moments, after having turned down multiple offers to party, sitting alone in the moonlight (and that damned streetlight), that I can let the emotions wash over me, and let me start to feel again. Now is when I can try to see the beauty of the life around me. Not just for her. Anyone can see that she is cute. But moments like this when I reflect on her are when I can appreciate more to life than just having a job that pays some of my bills.
Perhaps it is what I perceive as the reckless and more dangerous side to her that particularly attracts me. I see myself as acting too safe (hence the significant other), but she doesn't instill that need to protect others that I usually default to. I just want to party around her.As I say that, I know that it would never work, as a relationship build purely around the physical and ephemeral never works out in the long run. But I still want to play. To run, jump, springboard, ride a motorcycle, gallop off on a horse, and be STUPID and reckless. It would just be fun. Sometimes, isn't that the most important thing?
Objectively, she really isn't as pretty as the others, but I never notice. Her looks still dazzle me. I wonder if she'll ever know. Probably, but nothing will change. She is tired of being sober; I am tired of behaving like I'm single. It's betrayal for me, but the consequences seem nil, as any repercussions just mean I don't have to hide anymore.
Too many problems arise from relationships of people enclosed in such tight spaces as ours. I'm highly inclined to forget about the problems of the future and live in the moment, for today. Such actions are irresponsible, and I know that. Maybe it's not even her that I'm looking for as it is just someone to have a physical relationship with. I'm so curious, but I have to force myself to wait...on the other half's behalf. The problem with America is the profound number of choices: too many to accurately weigh the right one out. Maybe I just want to enjoy a bad decision, and so I choose her with which to make that happen? She is younger than me...
"The angels dream and waltz tonight." Such were the words that I would utter. Now, it seems that side of me has all but disappeared. I have no idea where, but it cannot be anywhere good. The lights around me seem to fade, dimmer and darker into the nothingness that only the moon can bring out and make beautiful again. I must be tired, as I let the emotions wash over me. I want to stay objective. You never see Spock with these problems. But then again, it is in these moments, after having turned down multiple offers to party, sitting alone in the moonlight (and that damned streetlight), that I can let the emotions wash over me, and let me start to feel again. Now is when I can try to see the beauty of the life around me. Not just for her. Anyone can see that she is cute. But moments like this when I reflect on her are when I can appreciate more to life than just having a job that pays some of my bills.
Perhaps it is what I perceive as the reckless and more dangerous side to her that particularly attracts me. I see myself as acting too safe (hence the significant other), but she doesn't instill that need to protect others that I usually default to. I just want to party around her.As I say that, I know that it would never work, as a relationship build purely around the physical and ephemeral never works out in the long run. But I still want to play. To run, jump, springboard, ride a motorcycle, gallop off on a horse, and be STUPID and reckless. It would just be fun. Sometimes, isn't that the most important thing?
Splendid Misery
Like a dream once seen, long ago in the periphery, having been hauntingly beautiful, now only to be chased as dreams are wont to be. Flowing motion, like air, slips through the fingers leaving only the desire to capture more of that which we cannot have, Perfection evades our very nature.
Victory, however, becomes us and is that which we are by definition: souls seeking domination. Collateral damage is not what we pay heed to.
Multi-faceted palettes, colours dancing bright; the angels dream and waltz tonight. Still, only, the goal which we pursue, the terminus to our cause, softly lingers just beyond our reach. Pithy sadness, thou art the reason I do so blindly charge ahead.
Victory, however, becomes us and is that which we are by definition: souls seeking domination. Collateral damage is not what we pay heed to.
Multi-faceted palettes, colours dancing bright; the angels dream and waltz tonight. Still, only, the goal which we pursue, the terminus to our cause, softly lingers just beyond our reach. Pithy sadness, thou art the reason I do so blindly charge ahead.
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