Terrorized by Excitement

Advancing to the next stage in life is a terrifying, yet exhilarating, experience.  There is so much wonder to behold at moving forward onto the "bigger and better things" that life has to offer, but with that comes a sense of bewilderment at what it all is, and the strange sense of not knowing what to do once you have it.

As we grow more mature, I find that our interests tend to become a little (tiny iota) more calm.  No longer do I really find it desirable to go to a party where there are a lot of drunk people.  It just doesn't seem fun to me any more.  I have friends in the theatre department at my university, and every so often, my group of guy friends gets together for what we call "Porch Time."  It's a fun little tradition of just sitting on one of our porches, enjoying a beer with friends, and just generally talking and not being drunk.  I find that I would much rather attend Porch Time than go to another party or the local bar scene.
I'm sure that other people would disagree.  That's fine.  They can go to the bar while I stay at home.

I find that I focus more on the "real world" demands these days as well.  I would rather spend time at work making money to pay my bills than I would wandering around town sightseeing.  Why?  Because I know that once I work, I will be paid the money I need to fulfill my obligations fiscally.  Once I pay those off, I feel more comfortable lounging about.  Perhaps my feelings are typical, but having asked my friends, it appears that this is an odd way of viewing life.  Still, it is what it is.

Somehow, this is also translating to the romantic aspect of my life.  With Laura, I wanted someone to cuddle.  I was desperate for a girlfriend, almost to the point that I didn't care the cost.  Because of this, I feel that the relationship never truly grew, and so we finally realized that it wasn't working and called it off.  But that was back in October. (14 October 2012, to be exact.  One and a half years to the day.)
Since the breakup, I seem to have forced myself to do the maturing that I had missed while in the relationship.  I have learned a little more about myself, and with that comes the desire for something more than just a physically based relationship.  (After all, if I just wanted a physical relationship, I'd pick up a drunk girl at a bar, or find a hooker.)  I desire a chance to truly get to know someone.  What scares them (and not make fun of them for it), what do they dream about, what drives them?  What are their thoughts on topic X?  Topic Y?  How do they see life?

I've always been a romantic at heart, and planning little excursions like a scavenger hunt to return to a home filled with flowers and candles seems like a blast to me.  The trouble is when I want to start planning those deeply intimate outings with a girl in the early stages of the relationship.  For example, on Wednesday God smiled down on me when I asked an angel named Angie to join me for lunch on Sunday, to which she accepted.  Earlier today, I found myself planning fun outings to do over the holiday break, and even suggesting storing her stuff in my apartment over the summer once she moves out of the dorm.  I see that as unrealistic at this point, seeing as how we haven't even gone on our first date yet.  I don't want to scare her.  Yes, she does seem more mature than a good handful of the students in my courses, but that doesn't mean that she has the same goals that I do.

For me, I am thrilled by the prospect of getting to know her.  I want to actually share myself with someone, have them get to know me as well.  But that is exactly what terrifies me: her getting to know me.  I am very odd, to be nice about it, and have some very ....unacceptable remarks at times.  My friends can be oddballs as well, and experiencing that for the first time can definitely drive one away easily.  It's not just Angie, don't get me wrong...I don't want to scare any of my friends off.  And yes, this is just one of the challenges that comes with dating, and must by its very nature become one of the accepted risks.  She might reject me.  But, I want to believe that she won't.  My heart, the sweetest part of me, strives with every ounce that it has to believe in the positive outcome.  I am a romantic (note: not Romantic), after all.

Dating only seems the most relevant at the moment.  Soon (everyone hopes) I will graduate from my university.  What am I to do after that, beyond finding a job?  I have no idea what I really want to do.  Psychology has always been something fun to learn, but I'm not applying myself to finding jobs in that field.  I'm more focused on the technical theatre (specifically sound work), and have slowly starting lining up an internship between the terms, but I'm not sure how to get a job beyond that.  Is that even something that I want to do with my life?  Can I provide for myself and others with that job?  So many fears to conquer.  I will find a way, though.  I have to....my life depends on it.