Blogging is Good for the Soul

At the beginning of the term, I met a very cool art student. I am not sure if it is the fact that she is a freshman, or that she is a ginger, or that she somehow seems to have surpassed my maturity so easily and suffers the same life-problems that I do, that gets my blood riled up. She has been a very good friend to me since we met, despite the fact that we haven't seen much of each other.

Near the beginning of the term, I found out that she keeps a blog (found here). Or, more to the truth, she has re-started to blog. Being an avid fan of women (and yes, hoping to figure out how they think), I decided that it would be a good read. I've even surprised myself with how much I keep up with her through it.

But more to the point, I am most certainly in awe of how her life's struggles seem to mirror my own, despite the fact that she is a handful of years my junior. She makes some well stated arguments, and I even find myself admiring some of the advice that her blog offers. I wish that my own life's experiences could help me to guide her, but I believe that she is doing quite well on her own.

So, here's to you, Master of the aesthetic form! May you live in good health, and may you find a way to truly feel alive.

Conflict of Interest

I sit, trying to forget the past for the present, forgetting the present for the future. It seems silly to me, trying to forget the past. That is where we learn the struggles and lessons that define us, define our character. ...Still, I try to forget. The past is where I've been hurt.

The present hurts a little, but not quite as badly. The present I can stand; I anticipate the small pains of the future. I can prepare for those, especially as I grow in perspective of the past.

As the times change from the present to the past, the future to the present, so too, do I change. I grow, and I learn.

I begin to take charge of my life. As I become diverted in my gaze, I find more and more daftness in the idea. Currently, (as always,) my eye rests on a new beauty within the university where I study. She seems to have rejected me, as she has not returned my correspondence. Why I can not seem to put her past me, as is sensible in such situation, I cannot grasp. It defies logic.

But, by Truth, she is beautiful! Why can I not see how to make this so? Perhaps I should try harder to keep to my promise of moving on.

You Fucking Cunts

I asked you to define a feminist. You told me that it was a person that believed women deserve equal rights as men. Psh. Why the hell should that happen? You act like women are worthy of such things. But hey, if you want to believe that women are people, go right ahead. Don't expect me to buy into your bullshit. I don't believe it.



...I've been too hurt in the past to want to give you women anymore opportunity to hurt me again.



Hell, as much as I joke about men being worthless pieces of shit that aren't worth their weight in sand, I'll never really believe it. Men dominate too much, and their sheer size means that they will continue to for quite some time to come.



You may ask me why I believe women aren't worth anything, truly, and I'll tell you that it's because they just don't know any better. You are the one that keeps telling me that both you AND your boyfriend don't like our red-headed friend's boyfriend because he's abusive. We all know that she won't get out of that relationship of her own accord. Her ignorance and stupidity isn't exemplified in just one case....it can be applied many times over to see just how women don't deserve such rights as voting (seeing as how they'd vote abusive men into power).

But still, you go ahead carrying on like women deserve rights. We'll see how far that gets you in life. I still don't believe it. Fucking cunt.

Operation: Coarse Wood

This message is classified SECRET. It is not to be shared with others outside of the organization.

As of 1901 hours, 20 October 2010, Operation: Coarse Wood is in effect.

We will now commence your debriefing of Operation: City Two. City Two was designed as a low-budget reconnaissance mission to gather intelligence on a target of high importance. These ends were to be achieved through any means considered necessary. Agents made contact with intermediaries who were "very close" with the target. The agents befriended the intermediaries as a way to get closer to the target, which succeeded. The intermediaries came to trust the agents quite well, and still believe in the connection of friendship with the agents. The target, despite her wary confidences, slowly began to divulge information of great use. Approximately seven weeks into the mission, the agents confronted the target when she was alone. The agents, through technicalities in protocol, established their intentions, and the target voiced her thoughts and reactions. They were negative. Three weeks later, in a more semi-public setting, the agents confronted the target again to be sure of the intended outcome, and at the insistence of one of the intermediaries. The results were the same: negative.
At approximately 1930 hours on 18 October 2010, High Command brought in a consultant on the issue, who gave guidance regarding the results of the mission. Command decided to scrub the mission.

Currently, the agents are being withdrawn from the field and being debriefed individually. With the initiation of Coarse Wood, the Special Agent-in-charge will confront the target before 30 October 2010, as the last of the agents are withdrawn. The Special Agent-in-charge will inform the target of the upcoming actions, and the Special Agent will sever ties with the intermediaries. Resources will be withdrawn and sent back into the General Fund, as controlled by the Office of Finances. Probes will be occasionally sent (no less than once per quarter, nor no more than four times per quarter) via tertiary channels inquiring about the target, as the information that she and her acquaintances (the intermediaries) holds might prove to be useful in subsequent missions, though this outcome is not likely.
The Special Agent-in-charge is not to maintain contact any longer than is necessary to inform the target, not exceeding any total length of time beyond one hour. The Special Agent may inform the intermediaries if he so desires, but this is also included in the one hour total time limit. The Special Agent is ordered to inform the primary intermediaries if and only if they inquire.
Retrieval squads are to be standing by for extraction of the Special Agent. The radio frequency on the CRM-114 is to be: OPE. The distress call for the Special Agent is "'Nevermore' quoth the raven." Live rounds are not to be used in the process of this operation.

As per operational protocol, complaints and requests are to be sent through the Office of Professional Management, Department of Human Resources.

This message is classified SECRET. It is not to be shared with others outside of the organization.

Silence

For those that wonder why I'm often silent when I'm around my friends, here is why:

There is a moderately attractive young lady in my Psychology course this term. Within the past day or two, I finally got around to sending a Facebook friend request, which she accepted. I asked her what her major was, and it lead into a short conversation that seemed tense. Perhaps it was the discussion on grades and classes, or just the arse-hole way that I tend to be when I talk to women. Either way, she rounds out the conversation by asking why I'm so interested in her education and her major. I respond with an honest answer, which is what I would assume most people would want: "I find you attractive and it makes me curious about you. I'll cease with the discourse on academia, if you'd prefer?"

If we had held the conversation face to face, I am sure that I would witness her not be able to run away quickly enough. This is typical for me, sadly. At the present moment, she is still listed as a friend on Facebook, but that might change.

I think back to friends and family that often tell me that I should "express myself" and "speak my mind." Well, dear friends, I have. Now, look at what became of it.

So, you ask why I am often quiet in the presence of others? It is because I fear the outcome of speaking my mind, driving people away. Instead, I stand in silence, calculating reasonable responses to enquires about my silence whilst attempting to figure out good, solid reasons as to why I like the girl in the first place.

(For added irony, "No Good Deed" from the Wicked soundtrack is playing as I type this.)

Beauty, Destruction, Perfection

I am about to break Tyler Durden's rules # 1 & 2. Fuck him.

For anyone that has seen the movie Fight Club, we all would recognize the line "I just felt like destroying something beautiful" after the Narrator beats the shit out of the blond guy.

This being said, finding the beauty in destruction is an easy task. Why else, for instance, would demolitions experts continue to stand around and watch their master work? It is a beautiful sight to see. Seeing the beauty in destruction is easy.

But I began to think in that dangerous mind frame of mine again. What is there to see if we change that phrase around? Can you see the destruction in beauty? Or, a possibly more important question, is there destruction in beauty?

I answer with a resounding YES! Assuming that all of my readers live in the States, or that most of my readers are from/have an understanding of a Western culture, we clearly see the overemphasis of beauty in marketing and adverts of all times. The only time that you will likely see an "ugly" person on your telivision is when a product makes someone "beautiful." Now, we have all been taught that "beauty" is in the eye of the beholder, and that "beauty" is a good thing, something to strive for. What we have never been taught, however, is the cost of "beauty." American marketing firms push and push to promote the idea that thin is beauty and that being thin is one of the ultimate goals in life for the female populous. But I urge you to look around. How many have you known that developed eating disorders in their attempts to fit in with this ridiculous notion of "beauty"?

This leans heavily on the idea of stereotypes, as well. Perhaps it is only the shows and commercials that I personally have seen, but I do not recall many black ladies as fitting "into the mold" of "beauty." Thus far, I recall strictly seeing the young white girl, or the light-skinned black girl, as the only ideal. Are not the black women just as pretty? The white supremacist have taken over the direction where our society's ideas go; it sickens me.

But it is not fair to merely limit the concept of "beauty" to the physical, that which is shown through some predetermined gene. We must also consider the behaviors of women. "Beautiful" women are never shown as being happy in life. They are always in some struggle to improve their social status... usually through equal rights. Go ahead and count the number of films that you have seen in the past six months that (paraphrased) include a line or a monologue that has the woman demand the man see her as an equal. But this contradicts the other stereotype that men have of women as either a) needing to be saved from some peril, or b) being weak which allows them to fall into the arms of a man to find love. Can we seriously expect that a woman who has sex with multiple partners will understand the concept of love and finally feel "beautiful" because she has screwed the "right guy"? Hardly.

This being said, I have nothing against others enjoying themselves and/or sleeping around. But to think that a woman being "easy" makes her "beautiful" to men sickens me.

What, then, is "beauty" if it cannot be defined through stereotypes and false advertisements? Is it not the girl on the sidelines who never has to go through the character flaws that we see in our heroes/heroines? Personally, I find the sidekick to be more attractive than the heroine that the movie or television show centers around. Granted, the sidekick does not quite have the depth that the heroine has, as we do not see the sidekick as much, nor do we know her back story. But perhaps it is this that redeems her? Since we only know what is directly revealed, we can be free to see the sidekick as beautiful because of this aura of mystery around her. Maybe that is what beauty truly is: the freedom of getting to know someone not based on their physicality but through their character traits like loyalty and humor. I would argue that is what makes a perfect girl. Not her outer "beauty," but her inner beauty.

Where is Home? What is Home?

This past weekend, my mother retrieved me from university to take me home. So, I went. It is the same house that I have resided in for the past thirteen years, with the same occupants. And yet, it was unsettling to realize that it did not feel like I was home. I had merely come back to my parents' house.

The Friday of this weekend, I went "home" to the junior college that I began my post-secondary studies at. For most of the time that I was there, I had always joked that it was my "home" because of how much time I spent there. I was almost surprised at how exactly like a real home it felt to go back to. Sure, I did not have a couch to crash on or a refrigerator to raid, but I had returned home to family. There is nothing quite like that feeling. ...At least, I have yet to run across it in my many years.

Part of what is unsettling about the incident to me is that I've only ever felt like that one time before. Years ago, I would delude myself into thinking that I held some sort of a relationship with an attractive young lady that I alluded to several times in most of my early posts. I cannot remember the name that I wrote for her, but I believe that she goes by "Torikabuto" at times. The point of it is that during the end of my secondary school career, I was allowed to spend a day with her. We ended up walking through a bit of the downtown area of the city where she lived, and her mother came to pick us up when we were finished. As we arrived back at Torikabuto's house (where I had parked my car), I felt an odd sense of peace wash over me as I approached the house.

It feels odd to remember such long-lost memories as that in the simple act of going back to my first college. ...Two places that I've every felt totally at ease...only one of which I may return to. It makes me question what makes us call "home" our home. Is it merely returning to a familiar house at some marked interval? Or perhaps it is not so much a specific location as it is spending time with those whose company we enjoy. The second option doesn't fit into many stereotypes about going "home," but I think that we can forgive that for the sake of argument.

I propose, at the very least, that it is a question that deserves some attention?

Philosophy is Dead

I feel bland. Actually, reascend that. My apathy prevents me from feeling anything.

I begin wondering if the cost is worth the benefits. Specifically, I seem not to be very focused in school, and it feels pointless to waste my parents' money on my education if all that I am going to do is wander around and kill time. Since I am human, one of my driving desires is companionship. And if fulfillment of this is my primary goal, then I should be doing this somewhere else, preferably in a cheaper environment.

But, if I am required to give up something in my life, it would be the promise of a mutual companion in exchange for having a passionate, burning desire/drive....for anything. I cannot sense that I am either good for anything, or that I am convicted enough to fight for a cause. This cannot continue. There must be a drive in each of our lives that keeps us going; right now, I feel its absence.

Lazy Sunday in a Boring Town...Remains Lazy and Boring

There are about five members of the stage crew for the production that my school has just finished. Today, in this boring town, on this lazy Sunday afternoon, I tried to pick a fight with each and every one of them. I have nothing against them, it's just that I need to learn how to fight. This would be a valuable skill, no?
But apparently, this "emo" behavior causes a loss of friends. Who ever knew that self-defacing behavior drives people away? I will need to remember not to attempt to pick fights with fellow students if I wish to keep my friends here.

On an unrelated note, I came back to my "home" after the day's work, and began thinking about juxtapositions. Oddly enough, I find that alcohol has always lived well with mankind, and is in a number of sayings in the English language. "Wine and cheese," "steak and beer," and "brandy and a cigar" are among the top spots in my mind. Obviously, the English and their rebel colonists have a strong love of alcohol.

She's Dangerous, Man

Thus far, I have spent the majority of my week with the theatre girl from the post below. She's fun to hang around with, but I come to find that she and I have very little to talk about other than people and stupid drunk stories. It doesn't leave me with a sense of hope for mankind, rather a despairing sense of dread that she isn't used to men being nice and kind to her. What sort of world is this that I've found my way into?

Friends from the theatre advise me against hanging out with her because she has done some stupid, ignorant things, including arrests. My friends have a point in that I cannot afford to throw my life away on that. This has to end, and it will when the week does.

Life Improves

Life seems to be fairly happy with me right now. I am pleased by this, actually.

Weeks ago, I screwed up a chance to ask out a moderately attractive theatre girl. She's spunky and energetic, and just generally fun to be around. But apparently she does not like to hear my beliefs that "all women simply intend to hurt men." *shrug* Life goes on...

...and on, straight into another splendid week (see "Sweet Simplicity"). It is a short week, thanks to some various bank holiday that I don't keep track of. So, therefore, school began on a Tuesday.
I have fairly mundane classes on Tuesday/Thursday, but I end the day with Theatre Appreciation, where I chose the applied option track to actively get my hands involved in the production. I go into the theatre class today and notice that my day became much more, uh, joyful seems to fit the description. Why? you ask. There is a young lady in the theatre that is not very involved (not the one mentioned above), but is enough so that people know her name; plus, she is in my theatre class. So, we work in the theatre shop (remember, this is the applied option, we actually do something during class time), go to a mandatory meeting after, and she, I, and a handful of other students walk over to the game room. The young lady and I play a couple games of pool (she won 2/3) and then I took her to dinner on campus.

[This is where life turns interesting. *The following story leaves out "minor" details.]

After dinner, we get to talking, and decide that then would be the perfect time to go fix a tattoo of hers. Neither of us having cars, we do the next best thing: we walk to this "tattoo-man" 's house. So, we chill there with the tattoo guy and some other random people for a couple hours, and some chick drives up in a car. She, apparently, is good friends with the rest of them, which must have been how the theatre girl and I caught a ride practically all over town. We eventually run across some other random guys at a gas station when we stop to buy more cigarettes. The guys invite the girls in the car to some party at their house. After some more time randomly driving around town, the group in the car decide to go to the party, where we just generally "chill" for a couple hours. Then, we start dropping people off at their homes, because it is now about 0330 hours (and the theatre girl and I have spent about 12 hours together now). When it is time to leave the theatre girl, she and I get out of the car. Being close to the college's campus, I decide to start walking. She persuades me to get back into the car and let her friends drop me off at my dorm. Before I get in, however, I make a comment about how she's being "difficult" (jokingly, of course), and she initiates a hug. As we slowly pull apart, she leans back in to peck me on the cheek. Then I get into the car, and she goes inside the house.

I see that the past twelve hours have been good to me, indeed, with that last minute and a half being incredibly worthwhile.

Sweet Simplicity

I woke up today.

Today is a good day.

A New Environment Does Not Necessarily Mean A New Character

Apparently, I habitualize rapidly. I might even venture a guess and say that the entire process takes about seven continuous/consecutive days until I'm habitualized. But I've always been this way, albeit not always so rapidly.

As a young child, I easily grew bored in school, and with new objects in my possession. Now, I habitulize easily with people. Which really sucks, because I would often develop a new crush on a female, and within two weeks it was approximately half as intense as it was when it began.

Now, I fear that the same is true, but on a shorter time span. Already, in the three weeks of the new term, I've met a Swede (who has absolutely no interest in even giving me the time of day now, thank you very much); a fairly attractive redheaded art student who is cordial enough to give me the time of day, but won't go out of her way to speak to me; and a hyper-energetic dramatic arts major(ette). I'm most upset about the theatre major, but she is working through some sort of "proximity issue" where, with time, I hope that she is familiar enough with my presence that we can at least stand/sit near each other. She is an interesting girl, and if nothing else, she could possibly be a good friend of mine.

But then, part of this is probably one of those lessons where I am supposed to learn that mere infatuation cannot support any sort of relationship, only "flings" (as kids these days call them). So, as the infatuational urge wears down, it gives way to the opportunity to actually get to know her, learn about her, her likes and dislikes, and actually build up a relationship the way that it is supposed to be built.

Beauty, perhaps?

Audience,

Think of a rose, any colour. Now, let's work with that mental image of yours.

Stereotypically:
Women: "Awwww... That's so pretty! He really cares."

Men: "Shit, that little thing costs a ton of money! She better be worth it."

It's the same concept: a rose. Most of the people that I know would say that a rose/bouquet of roses is/are pretty.
I tend to remember the thorns a little more than most, however. Heck, thorns are popular. "A thorn in my side," or Poison's song "Every Rose Has Its Thorn."

Personally, I find some solace in the fact that, to some extent or another, beauty hurts. Now, I have no great metaphysical meaning beyond that, but I thought that at least someone out there might enjoy hearing that lesson of mine.

No Longer Lost; Rather, Found

I am stronger than I think myself to be.

I see myself as talking too much.

But, besides that, as I see it, I've received everything that I've wanted for so long: friends, companionship, etc.
Yes, having not seen her (Protector) in close to a month hurts, but I cherish the time that I had. After all, that's really all that I ever wanted.

As always, I am and will continue to remain alive and well.

Alone and Strong

Regarding the last post, neither I nor my friend who wrote the redhead ever received a reply. We have come to the consensus that she is/was fake.

I am tired. I have a final for my summer term class in approximately eight hours, forty-five minutes. I haven't studied, nor have I completed the last writing assignment. I continuously blow off the work in a misguided hope that the work will simply go away. (Obviously, it does not.)

I sit here, in the dark (it's 0145 hours local, everywhere is dark at this time), wondering just what it is that I have done that irritated her (Protector). I thought that we were doing just fine. Summer classes started, things began to slow down, and I saw less and less of her. Eventually, I didn't see her at all. Then the phone calls ceased. At this point, it's been about two weeks since I've spoken with her beyond the point of "Are you free?" "No." "I'll call back later then."

The last six times that her name appears in my call log, it is as an outgoing call. Don't get me wrong, I'm all for the old-fashioned relationship (boy calls the girl, etc). But this is getting ridiculous. Perhaps I'm just not reading this correctly. I know that she works days (0800 or 0900 to about 1700 or 1800) and she has a night class from 2000 to 2200. I have classes from 0830 hours to approximately 1530 hours, and a night class from 1800 to 2000 at the latest. Perhaps she's just too busy right now for me? That should clear up around the end of July when classes terminate, I suppose.

Of course, there's always the option of the last time that I saw her. I just randomly decided to show up at her house on a day that I knew she was off of work. I enjoyed seeing her, I even brought her some flowers (carnations I believe, which she says are her favorites), and we went to the moving picture show. But thinking back on it, just randomly showing up either makes me seem clingy/needy or just plain crazy and/or that I'm a stalker. Both options are bad, so I'm quite hesitant to do that again. ....But then again, if I don't, when is the next time that I'll see her? I just have no idea. And I HATE it. I absolutely despise this feeling (of thinking that I'm in a relationship but being told by all the classic indicators that I'm not) with a great burning passion.

Perhaps that's just what I deserve though? I would have classified myself for eighteen and a half years as having been the traditional "nice guy." You know, the one that always gets screwed over because he's "too nice to date" or something of the like. I feel that I've slowly changed out of that role, and this is my punishment for that. It's a cruel Divine joke, that the first month of my first ever relationship is spectacular beyond all belief, and the rest of it is like having someone stab my heart every day and stomp on my balls (and not in that kinky sexual way)...just to watch me squirm. What a great joke, huh? F**king fantastic. *Shouting to the Heavens* Thanks, God! 'Preciate it.

For me, the worst part is probably knowing that I could have had a better relationship earlier in my life (2-3 earlier, perhaps) if I hadn't been so shallow about such vain things as the girl having to wear glasses or her living an hour away from me. The girl then was fantastic, and I was just an ass. Maybe I should have shown her more kindness, and hopefully that would have prevented her from having a child out of wedlock... I'll never know.

I always knew that I would end up alone in the world. I never expected to get married, or hell, even to date for that matter. I learned from an early age that Disney lied, and that life would be full of more heartaches and heartbreaks than was worth it; I even knew that it would be painful beyond belief. But I never expected this to hurt this much. In case you've decided to keep reading through my rant to this point, I see all of this as the reason that I never wanted to date/be in a relationship.

I have become much too biased in my opinions. As I'm in a relationship, the girl can do no wrong. In general, all men are assholes and the scum of the earth. But apparently, my biased opinions aren't enough to get her to like me again. So, I must resolve to keep strong and go about my business with a chiseled face. I must never let anyone know how much she has hurt me, nor will I let it become evident. I will be strong, showing perseverance in all situations, because hey, we're men and we are strong. Like Marines, semper fi, do or die, and all that jazz. And if you're ever around my place and you hear weeping in sorrow, just ignore it. It's only a broken man trying desperately to hide the last few fragments of his shame from the world.

Letter to a Redhead

Greetings and salutations.

Those that are bored have many avenues to rid themselves of that boredom. Some will inevitably turn to reading personal ads to laugh at the absurdity of their desperation. Thus, I ran across an personal advert in a classifieds web site for an attractive young redhead. As she described herself in the title, she is indeed "cute." Please do not misunderstand; I am still very much devoted to Protector. However, I just could not understand why such an attractive young lady would find herself in need of turning to personal adverts, so I sent her an electronic message, which is posted below:

"Hi, I'm Karasu (I honestly do have a name, which I used, but am not posting here. Surely most of you already know who I am.).

I read your post the first day that you posted it, then I sat back for *calculates time* ....about 14 days and tried to figure out why you would possibly want to be in a relationship.

Now, granted, I'm one of the few guys that understands that men are infinitely inferior to women, but I just don't understand your reasoning. Guys (most of the ones that post on craigslist) usually turn out to be boys, honestly. That, and I've always seen boys as rude, selfish, unclean/unkempt, boisterous, and just plain ugly. The gay men usually aren't so bad, but hey, they're gay and don't often get in relationships with young ladies such as yourself.

I know that my reasons are biased, and for that, I'm sorry. But I also see that your advertisement is correct in that you are a rather attractive young lady. This also entices my curiosity as to why you feel that you should/need to rely on craigslist for a date/boyfriend. Surely there are plenty of guys at work or your university that hit on you to an annoying degree? Perhaps that is not your style. In that case, I find that some young ladies can turn to their friends to set them up with some nice guy (a.k.a. personal/casual networking).

Now, this is merely what I could think of. This may or may not be truthful, and I was hoping that you would be kind enough to enlighten me to your objectives with this post.

If not, then I appreciate you taking the time to read this e-mail anyway.

Have an enjoyable day, and best of luck with the ads,

Karasu"

A link to the advert is provided below to place the letter in context:

http://tinyurl.com/letter-to-a-redhead

Sometimes, personal adverts can be entertaining. I'm curious about the response, if I receive one.

Silly Mortal Concern

I am worried. I do hate to admit this, but it is so.

Classes are the logical first answer to the question "About what?" that you might ask. Negative. My scholastics are doing surprisingly well, albeit three days into the term.

It's about Protector (naturally). Today was probably the worst that I've heard about since finals last Spring. She was sunburned due to working outside today, she fell and hit her head, and she has only eaten once as of the time that I called her. I find that to be horrid news.

But just as bad is the thought that perhaps my relationship is hitting a plateau and becoming a relation-shit. I do hate that. Perhaps it's merely because I am tired. I hope that it is something that simple. Our dates have become much more sporadic, and I miss seeing her on a regular basis. We still have several things planned to do together, don't get me wrong. I just don't get to see her as often as I'd like (meaning twice a day for eight hours at a time). I fear that I am running out of things to converse with her about. After all, asking about each other's day will only carry one so far.

....I just worry.

This is silly and mortal to do. I am better than this. My friends have called me a god before. Gods are better than this. I will not let this affect me so. I will breach the subject with her on Tuesday, and speak of it no more.

Nigh Perfection

I had mentioned a couple of posts earlier that time is fluid. I'm not really sure how to take that. I suppose that I could begin deriving equations for entering Slipstream space via Shaw-Fujikawa Translight generators, but that would take time that I cannot invest. Needless to say, thus, that the statement, in this context, only means that my life seems to have a constant dynamic change every so often, and that the events within my biography are quite docile and static.

Classes have ceased since the beginning of May, thus giving me several weeks to enjoy the company of friends. Summer terms begins immediately (meaning tomorrow), thereby keeping my life fairly static because I must attend class lectures. My friends all seem to be well, aside from issues with companion's parents and whatnot. However, that's part of being in a relationship, is it not?

I am well pleased that my latest eye examination shows my eyesight has not deteriorated. It is fairly close to "perfect" actually.

To elaborate on the "dynamic change" described earlier, I report that I have indeed found myself a companion. She is the first person that I can say that I have dated. I admit that it is an unusual feeling to find myself in a relationship. Those that know her describe her as both "crazy" and "a pistol." The former I comprehend, the latter, not so much. She does indeed seem quite energetic and high-spirited, but there are times when she decreases her energy output to acceptable, even docile, levels. Absolutely amazing, I must admit.

At the time of this post, we have been on approximately five dates and have been dating for three days, six hours shy of one month. I am utterly flabbergasted that within that time-frame, we have moved to a fairly comfortable stage that I believed would only be achieved no sooner than three to four months into a relationship.

Sadly, I do believe that I speak too much of her to my friends, and I worry that I become bothersome to them regarding it. I must remember that I can not speak solely of her to them.

To the opposite hand, she (her presence) has done wonders for me. Throughout my life, I have been a tad "obsessed" (understatement) with persons of the female sex. I thoroughly believe that the time between my junior year of secondary school and the third term of university was the most focused point of that obsession. Since I've met the girl that I'm dating, I would believe myself to have drastically decreased my attentions for other persons of the female sex. Now, this means nothing, seeing as how this has neither been observed by others (that I am aware of), nor has it been confirmed by others. This feeling of "puppy love" for the girl that I am dating seems to have calmed my psyche a tad, and I am quite grateful. For those that are curious, or know her, (or both, I suppose) she is the one known as Protector, who has been introduced in earlier posts.

Otherwise in life, I have become unemployed (again) since my work as a tutor was only for the standard scholastic year which recently terminated. Had the institute where I work had the funds for summer operations, I would ask to work then. However, I can not.

I am quite excited by the chance to move on to a senior university come the Fall term, but I am sad that I will not be able to see the girl that I am dating as often (Yes, I am aware that I am quite "cling-y." Our goodbyes alone last 20-30 minutes.) or, as rumor has it, that I will not have a vehicle for my use once I move. Two minor prices to pay for a uni degree, I suppose.

I cannot think of other updates at the current time.

Nothing of Substance

This is a quick update, hopefully to tide you over until I have time for a proper update.

I'm quite hard headed; especially regarding how I still have not fully learned to leave other people to their own devices. This is evident by my acquaintanceship with an attractive secondary school student up North (somewhere or other). 4chan has become a focal point of conversation for me recently, for some odd reason. Anyway, we met on the /adv/ board and became friends. I foolishly began offering my inexperienced advice on how she could go about attracting a certain male friend of hers. This failed, for one reason or another, and she soon turned her thoughts to a student a grade ahead of her. I've advised her as much as I know how, hoping that it has/will do some good for her.

I have not heard of the results, other than the older boy that she has a crush on does not have a car, which makes extracurricular involvement difficult.

One day, I wish to be as lucky as this boy that she is attracted to.

Friendship Destroyed and Salvaged

They get along extremely well. It hit a rocky start because of differences in their personalities. But, they've talked about it, and they're going to make it work. I am sincerely happy for them, and I hope that it works out as well.

But this is my problem with it: it's going to work out. I've already talked with all involved parties, and we've all made very clear that the three of us are going to remain friends regardless. They claim that each of them worry about me. I have repeatedly told them that I've bounced back from much more difficult situations before, and yet they ignore that. I am not sure what I have to do to convince them otherwise. It's not like I'm going to kill myself. I've already told her that I c/wouldn't go through with it. She hit me after I said that.

But to more clearly illustrate the issue, she's his girl. Not mine, nor will she ever be. And I need to stop thinking that it would ever be possible, because it won't be. She's let this be known a million times before. I just choose not to accept it.

So, yesterday, during a break in a day-long celebration that I was attending, I go to visit her (since she's closest) to apologize for acting like an arse over the past week. We go for a walk, and talk a good deal about me, platonic friendships, and how I can put myself in one. I believe that it went well, and hopefully I've fixed whatever problems I've created between her and myself. Then, I called him. I apologized to him as well. We talked for a short while, and I explained that I was an idiot, I screwed up, and now I hope that he and I are cool like we once were.

The coming week will let me know what will happen.

Spring Break 2010

Fuck people.

Addendum: I am quickly learning the hard lesson of not meddling in other people's lives. Sadly, I'll probably still inquire, but I will try my damnest not to meddle.

Skipping Stones on a Pond of Time

I sit, eating rhubarb pie (look it up, Johnny Rebel), thinking how different my life is from even a semester ago. Sure, I'm still [describe physical characteristics], but I'm not who I am. I was the suck-up in class, the "teacher's pet" if you will. In the past three weeks, I've attended as many classes as I've skipped. I've taken my own advice on "This is college. If you don't want to go to class, don't." It's freeing- to a degree.

Club activities don't change much. Things seem to have slowed down these past two or three weeks. Mandatory "furlough" day imposed by the state has shut down my school on Monday, preventing me from going to my Psychology classes. However, the SGAs across the state have organized a rally at the state's capital against the budget cuts. This shall be fun.

After my early morning doctor's appointment, I'll hurry down to a hole-in-the-wall town next to my college to pick up a friend, then rush up the interstate to pick up another friend before descending on the rally with many other students.

In the past week, several schoolmates and friends have commented to me about my blog. I am quite pleasantly surprised that I have such a large following. Years ago when I began, I never thought that it would be more than a friend or two.

I've at least made friends with the art major mentioned earlier. This is much further than I thought that I'd get given my past, which is only another way to prove to myself that times change. She is beginning to challenge my religious beliefs, and I'm thrilled by this. Beliefs, without challenge, lead to a blind following. I am coming to learn a lot about myself through her.

Years ago, I remember liking only alternative and rock music. My tastes have changed slightly, developed, grown.... It's enjoyable to sit listening to Nat Cole swing a hip beat next to me.

Time is fluid.

Is It Rosencrantz or Guildenstern That Is A Strumpet?

Today, I was called something which I never thought would be an adjective to use against me.

Hahahahahahahahahahah.

I feel that the evidence of my metamorphosis is becoming quite evident. I only wish that I could change from the "nice guy" that I've always been to a more complete jerk quickly so that I would know how to not care about others. I look about and see many jerks who have very profitable lives, and I envy them.

Defeat is a Different Kind of Victory

I feel defeated, and I'm thrilled.

Mark me, I shall explain. "Go to," I'm sure you're screaming at me to do. Thus:

In regards to the last post, I withdrew from the class I feared I would fail from sheer ignorance. This is the first class that I've ever withdrawn from, so I feel quite defeated that I wasn't able to complete a "project" or "assignment" if you will. But, I shan't fail the course, so I am pleased.

Like most (good) engineers, I try to have a backup plan, and I try to build in redundancies where I can. Sadly, this is not easy when it regards people, but I still try. To this respect, my social circles are quite large in terms of diameter, and often do not overlap. This is quite helpful, as I try to woo a female from two circles at a time, hoping that if one attempt fails, there is still chance at another. Lately, I spent the month of February trying to woo one particular young lady which has already been introduced as Protector. The backup was an art major. The art major was easy to understand: she has no interest in a boyfriend. The first was not so easy. However, I believe that after a month of trying, I finally understand that she neither has interest in me.

I'm ecstatic about this because it means that I no longer have to worry about how to woo someone and sway their interests in my favour. No longer do I have to waste my time. And I finally will move along.

Other forms of defeat that are of note in my life elude my conscience at the moment, although I am sure that they are quite non-existent. So, for now, I just have the two victories. What a good day.

Ignorance

I sit here in my house, procrastinating from doing my homework because I find it uninteresting. As I sit here, I realise a handful of things. Firstly, I am somewhat tired from the volunteer work that I did yesterday, and I'd much rather not have Hamlet rehearsals Tuesday. It would be nice just to sit and relax with friends.

Secondly, I am coming to believe that I will most likely fail at least two classes this term. One out of sheer ignorance of the material, the second for failing to complete the assigned tasks. And I am OK with failing the first class.

Thirdly, I saw Protector again yesterday for the first time in a week. We made peace about our disagreement, and then she spritzed me with some sort of perfume. Now, a day later, I still smell of the perfume. While it is irritating to smell like perfume, I enjoy it because it reminds me of all of the good of yesterday.

Fourthly, my personal co-ordinating skills are absolute crap. I cannot manage to arrange a meeting between myself and friends to save my life. I can't recall the last time that I saw Protector before yesterday, and I highly doubt that I can convince her to leave school with me to go for a walk in the park anytime later this week. I have also tried to meet with another friend that was introduced to me by my theatre director. I have had no luck with that, either, despite the fact that she knows more and more about me.

Fifthly, I am a horribly pathetic man. I lack several of the "manly" qualities that I am supposed to have, like physical strength, interest in American football, etc. The aforementioned, as well as the fact that I will openly admit to several emotions, such as the fact that I miss seeing and being with Protector when I am not with her.

Sixthly and finally, I know and understand nothing about women. It is a horribly terrifying thought to me, and one that I hope that I will never have to live with for long. If you need an example, I remember that Protector told me something that I simply do not understand yesterday, nor does anyone that I asked about it.

Another example is how some women like chocolate, and others do not. I'll never understand that.

Enlightenment

My latest history exam was on the Enlightenment. I feel that I adequately BS-ed my way to at least a high "F" score.

On a more personal note, I was enlightened that Protector is not appreciative of my excessive excitability and/or (mostly the and) clingy-ness. Therefore, I will work on calming down, and not being so clingy. I make no promises about reducing my envy, however.

Repentance

Surprisingly, my theorized trajectory for my life seems to have repented toward the positive.

Without regard to the odd commentary post from a schoolmate on the entry below, I'm well pleased with this turn of events. Lectures pass along uneventfully, and club activities are more numerous. In fact, the science club will be going on a field trip to a local aquarium today, 6 February. Having been three or four times within the past two years to this particular aquarium, I'm not exactly ecstatic about going on the trip. What excites me is the fact that I'll be bringing along a new friend (who shall be referred to by the French meaning of her name, "to protect," thus she is Protector) with me. She is incredibly attractive, somewhat witty, perfectly cynical, Libertarian, and [insert list of other positive qualities]. What's more, she actually seems interested in me. Body language, body position (in relation to my position), general eye contact, etc. indicate that she seems to have the same level of interest in me that I have in her, and other people that I spend time with (my boss, "Snakes" namely) have commented on it (and the comments tend to be positive and encouraging).
I am pleased with this.

Rehearsals are sailing along. While it seems that our Hamlet struggles with the vocabulary of the time, he is not the only actor to have those problems, and he compensates with sheer dedication.

And I met an architecture student this week. She lives in the next town over, and seems interesting, if not bored in class. Depending on whether or not she goes into civil engineering, I might ask her to design my "dream house." (Imagine antebellum, sheltered by several acres of woods, at least two stories.)

I've met many new students in the past week, and properly assimilated them into my network. Several have already benefited from my vast knowledge of the school and its personnel.

That's all that I can think would be different. If I ever decide to quit procrastinating, I'll work on a deviancy project for Sociology. And if you're lucky, dear reader, I'll write about it here.

Dubious

Apparently, I attempt to fulfill Maslow's third tier of his infamous hierarchy with busyness. I replace my need of love with slight gratitude taken from many in my in-numerous activities at my university.
Of course, this also prevents me from feeling lonely, or rested, for that matter. But I'm OK with this, as I'd much rather feel nothing than a gnawing pain from a lack of fulfillment of Maslow's third tier.
Perhaps it would help you follow my flow of consciousness if I were to enlighten you:
On Mondays and Wednesdays, I arrive at uni at around 0730 hours, and begin instructional lectures at 0800 hours. With 0015 hour intervals between classes (slightly enough time to go to the WC and squeeze into the next lecture hall), I continue until 1345 hours. On Mondays, I work as a writing tutor at 1400 hours. Usually on Wednesdays, I'm also in the writing centre, volunteering to take on extra sessions at no cost. However, with the starting up of clubs again for the term, that will soon cease. My shift officially ends at 1600 hours, and I usually leave around 1610 hours to 1615 hours. From there, I have two hours to do whatever, which I usually spend eating for the first time that day. At 1800 hours, students gather for the theatre rehearsals, which run until roughly 2200 hours to no later than 2230 hours. Once rehearsals are completed, I make my one hour ten minute commute home.
On Tuesdays and Thursdays, I arrive at uni around 0730 hours as well. (I find that a consistent schedule prevents abnormalities in the circadian cycle.) My first lecture begins at 0930 hours, thus I spend the first two hours at uni either preparing for my classes of the day, or getting caught up with e-mails to my professors. At 1045 hours when my first lecture dismisses, I sprint to work at the tutoring centre to work from 1100 hours to 1300 hours. (Technically, I only work on Tuesdays, but I volunteer on Thursdays much like I do on Wednesdays.) If I find pleasure in my performance that day, I reward myself with lunch. Either way, I will spend whatever little time before my 1400 hour lecture reviewing my notes and homework (read: I hastily do my foreign language homework 0010 hours before lectures begin). After, I dash across campus for my last lecture, which will release at 1645 hours. I enjoy dinner with friends, and depart for rehearsals, again leaving some time between 2205 hours and 2230 hours for my home.

When I am not in class, I discuss relevant issues with my professors, feebly attempt to increase my professional network, and work on club projects. I preside over the uni's Science club, which takes a vast amount of free time to co-ordinate. Our current problem is a defective Secretary, who will be replaced at the next club meeting. Other clubs (Psychology/Sociology, etc) sadly usually only are graced with my presence, and not my dedicated work. The student body's newspaper is starting up again, which will require my time to miss lectures to cover events that only happen to occur in conflict with my schedule (read: I'm either working or in class at 1400 hours, when events usually occur). Because I attend a small uni, most of my professors are understanding and do not mind my missing too many lectures to cover the events as long as I keep up with the work. Now, since I receive e-mails from the CAB's advisor (Campus Activity Board), the Director of Student Activities, I suppose myself to officially be a part of this club, instead of just a volunteer. What this means is that I skip lectures to work events for CAB, then write up a report of the event when it is done.

I have not heard from the Welcome Centre, where I occasionally volunteer as a tour guide for local high schools and other orientation-type events. I can only assume that they are hastily preparing for the next orientation, before which they will ring me asking for my assistance once more, which in dubiously I will give.

But hey, that's just my regular week in a nutshell. I happen to love it because it fits my personality and prevents me from focusing on the negative in my life. True, it would be nice to have more of a social life than just knowing maybe 4-5% of the entire student population, and two or three departments' worth of professors, but I'm content with the once-in-a-blue-moon type trips that I and friends make. This past Thursday we decided to blow off work to go to a local playground. Quite enjoyable, but not all the time.

Oh, I forgot to mention two things: firstly (and most important), extra volunteer events are popping up on the uni's calendar. A junior high school's science competition will be hosted by the uni at the end of February. Yours truly will be volunteering for this, as well. Secondly, one of the young tutors that I work with believes (along with her mum) that I "do too much" and 'blah-blah-blah' too much stress. So, she is attempting to start a petition to make me drop something off of my schedule. I mean, just because I'm deluding myself into thinking that I can handle the workload doesn't mean that I'm harming anyone else. Why does she see need to do this? It's a shame, too, because were it not for that I would be much more inclined to view her as quite attractive. (Heheh, like I have time for anything/anyone else in my life at the moment.)

I further find this a disappointment because there is that deeper human desire to grow, to share, to be with someone. No amount of busyness, "noise," or anything else will be able to fully distract from that need. This is most irritating in that I have never truly learned how to develop a friendship, yet it is one of the things for which I strive the hardest, particularly for a friendship with a member of the opposite gender (opposite sex as well, preferably. The difference is quickly explained here.). There were two young ladies that I met last semester, with whom I've attempted to build a descent relation. This has been done rather haphazardly, and has met with the expected results for such efforts. As well, each in turn was taught of my romantic inclinations toward each of themselves, respectively. Both of them rejected me, which is fine, as I soon forgot because both young ladies introduced me, either directly or indirectly, to a young lady friend of theirs. The older of the two young ladies that I met (referred to as "A," for she came first chronologically, the other is "B") directly introduced me to one of her best friends ("C"), who was treated as A and B was soon reproduced A's choices. This is all well and good, as I am attempting to sever ties with A and C as much as possible.

This leaves the friend of B, a girl known as "D." D was introduced indirectly to me by B, and B and D have since suffered an estrangement of their friendship. Regardless of the circumstances, B seems to hold no expressed opinion on my preferred inclinations toward D (indeed, it would be nigh impossible for B to since I have never told her). D's profile on a social networking site indicates that she is interested in searching for friendship and "dating" (however it is defined in this day and age). There is a two year difference in our ages, which is the socially accepted limit for our age group. In private message conversations, we seem to get along decently well, and she has expressed interest in viewing a moving picture show that I own. Were this somehow to work out for my benefit (and her's as well, hopefully), I will be joyed and call this the best attempt at a romantic relationship that I have had in nigh four years. Sadly, I do not see at the moment this progressing far beyond a beginning stage.

I must find a way to make this fragile acquaintance relationship between D and myself grow stronger, deeper, and better. I am nauseated of my failures, and I will find a way to prevent them in the future.