Advancing to the next stage in life is a terrifying, yet exhilarating, experience. There is so much wonder to behold at moving forward onto the "bigger and better things" that life has to offer, but with that comes a sense of bewilderment at what it all is, and the strange sense of not knowing what to do once you have it.
As we grow more mature, I find that our interests tend to become a little (tiny iota) more calm. No longer do I really find it desirable to go to a party where there are a lot of drunk people. It just doesn't seem fun to me any more. I have friends in the theatre department at my university, and every so often, my group of guy friends gets together for what we call "Porch Time." It's a fun little tradition of just sitting on one of our porches, enjoying a beer with friends, and just generally talking and not being drunk. I find that I would much rather attend Porch Time than go to another party or the local bar scene.
I'm sure that other people would disagree. That's fine. They can go to the bar while I stay at home.
I find that I focus more on the "real world" demands these days as well. I would rather spend time at work making money to pay my bills than I would wandering around town sightseeing. Why? Because I know that once I work, I will be paid the money I need to fulfill my obligations fiscally. Once I pay those off, I feel more comfortable lounging about. Perhaps my feelings are typical, but having asked my friends, it appears that this is an odd way of viewing life. Still, it is what it is.
Somehow, this is also translating to the romantic aspect of my life. With Laura, I wanted someone to cuddle. I was desperate for a girlfriend, almost to the point that I didn't care the cost. Because of this, I feel that the relationship never truly grew, and so we finally realized that it wasn't working and called it off. But that was back in October. (14 October 2012, to be exact. One and a half years to the day.)
Since the breakup, I seem to have forced myself to do the maturing that I had missed while in the relationship. I have learned a little more about myself, and with that comes the desire for something more than just a physically based relationship. (After all, if I just wanted a physical relationship, I'd pick up a drunk girl at a bar, or find a hooker.) I desire a chance to truly get to know someone. What scares them (and not make fun of them for it), what do they dream about, what drives them? What are their thoughts on topic X? Topic Y? How do they see life?
I've always been a romantic at heart, and planning little excursions like a scavenger hunt to return to a home filled with flowers and candles seems like a blast to me. The trouble is when I want to start planning those deeply intimate outings with a girl in the early stages of the relationship. For example, on Wednesday God smiled down on me when I asked an angel named Angie to join me for lunch on Sunday, to which she accepted. Earlier today, I found myself planning fun outings to do over the holiday break, and even suggesting storing her stuff in my apartment over the summer once she moves out of the dorm. I see that as unrealistic at this point, seeing as how we haven't even gone on our first date yet. I don't want to scare her. Yes, she does seem more mature than a good handful of the students in my courses, but that doesn't mean that she has the same goals that I do.
For me, I am thrilled by the prospect of getting to know her. I want to actually share myself with someone, have them get to know me as well. But that is exactly what terrifies me: her getting to know me. I am very odd, to be nice about it, and have some very ....unacceptable remarks at times. My friends can be oddballs as well, and experiencing that for the first time can definitely drive one away easily. It's not just Angie, don't get me wrong...I don't want to scare any of my friends off. And yes, this is just one of the challenges that comes with dating, and must by its very nature become one of the accepted risks. She might reject me. But, I want to believe that she won't. My heart, the sweetest part of me, strives with every ounce that it has to believe in the positive outcome. I am a romantic (note: not Romantic), after all.
Dating only seems the most relevant at the moment. Soon (everyone hopes) I will graduate from my university. What am I to do after that, beyond finding a job? I have no idea what I really want to do. Psychology has always been something fun to learn, but I'm not applying myself to finding jobs in that field. I'm more focused on the technical theatre (specifically sound work), and have slowly starting lining up an internship between the terms, but I'm not sure how to get a job beyond that. Is that even something that I want to do with my life? Can I provide for myself and others with that job? So many fears to conquer. I will find a way, though. I have to....my life depends on it.
01 December 2012
22 October 2012
Change Has To Be Good
It is part of the contemporary knowledge base that everything changes, and that only death (and taxes) is (are) certain. It is for this reason that I announce to my readers something that will make reading my blog somewhat easier: I will begin using first names. Assuming that you know me, you know that I very much enjoy my privacy, and wish to extend that kindness to others. That is why I have tried to not use identifying marks before this. However, when I go back and read old posts, even I have a difficult time keeping track. I believe that using first names will help alleviate this.
And on with the post:
Many, if not all of you, who know me knew that I was in a relationship with a wonderful girl named Laura. As far as I know, Laura and I were happy together for a full year and a half. Technically speaking, it was the second relationship for both of us, but the first one that we actually cared about the other person and felt ourselves grow as people. It also lasted more than a couple of months. We met on a science club field trip, and started going out less than a week later. Honestly, it was a pretty whirlwind-like relationship, and I was OK with that. At the end of the summer term, I graduated with my Associates Degree, and matriculated to another school in the University System. This did not please Laura. And the last few months of our relationship, we hadn't spend much time together, if any, because of work schedules and school. This time gave us ample opportunity to reflect on our relationship, and we concluded that things were not working out quite as we had hoped.
But, our 1.5 year anniversary was coming up on Sunday, and I was free. I knew that we were supposed to "talk" next chance we got, but I figured that we could at least enjoy the anniversary while we could. I was incorrect. We had our discussion that day, and we entered the ambiguous land of "We don't really know what our relationship status is." A week later, I still have no idea if we are "taking a break," "in an open relationship" while we work on improving our character glitches to improve our relationship, or if we've actually broken up. As far as I can tell, all of the signs are pointing toward the latter....
I honestly do love Laura, but I know that I'm not the best option for her. That doesn't mean that I'm not envious when I hear that she has met another guy, but it means that I am happy for her in whatever way I can be, and I choose to support her in whatever ways that I can if that's what she wants from me. Much like this post, I cannot say that we had a bad relationship. We even broke it off amiably. This relationship has taught me a lot, and I hope that she has learned as well. I do want her to be happy.
And so we move forward with our lives. Laura and I decided to make a list of the things that we feel we need in a partner. Instead of a whirlwind romance like before, we shall take it slow the next time and get to know the other person a little bit better than their name and academic major.
I find that I've started to spend more time with my friends. This is a positive change. I've started to work out some/run again. That is just as difficult for me as it was back in high school, but I managed to run 1.3 miles in less than a quarter hour, so I see this as an improvement. Life will get much better soon. I believe this. I'm determined to make it so.
Just for a humorous parting shot:
http://xkcd.com/1030/
And on with the post:
Many, if not all of you, who know me knew that I was in a relationship with a wonderful girl named Laura. As far as I know, Laura and I were happy together for a full year and a half. Technically speaking, it was the second relationship for both of us, but the first one that we actually cared about the other person and felt ourselves grow as people. It also lasted more than a couple of months. We met on a science club field trip, and started going out less than a week later. Honestly, it was a pretty whirlwind-like relationship, and I was OK with that. At the end of the summer term, I graduated with my Associates Degree, and matriculated to another school in the University System. This did not please Laura. And the last few months of our relationship, we hadn't spend much time together, if any, because of work schedules and school. This time gave us ample opportunity to reflect on our relationship, and we concluded that things were not working out quite as we had hoped.
But, our 1.5 year anniversary was coming up on Sunday, and I was free. I knew that we were supposed to "talk" next chance we got, but I figured that we could at least enjoy the anniversary while we could. I was incorrect. We had our discussion that day, and we entered the ambiguous land of "We don't really know what our relationship status is." A week later, I still have no idea if we are "taking a break," "in an open relationship" while we work on improving our character glitches to improve our relationship, or if we've actually broken up. As far as I can tell, all of the signs are pointing toward the latter....
I honestly do love Laura, but I know that I'm not the best option for her. That doesn't mean that I'm not envious when I hear that she has met another guy, but it means that I am happy for her in whatever way I can be, and I choose to support her in whatever ways that I can if that's what she wants from me. Much like this post, I cannot say that we had a bad relationship. We even broke it off amiably. This relationship has taught me a lot, and I hope that she has learned as well. I do want her to be happy.
And so we move forward with our lives. Laura and I decided to make a list of the things that we feel we need in a partner. Instead of a whirlwind romance like before, we shall take it slow the next time and get to know the other person a little bit better than their name and academic major.
I find that I've started to spend more time with my friends. This is a positive change. I've started to work out some/run again. That is just as difficult for me as it was back in high school, but I managed to run 1.3 miles in less than a quarter hour, so I see this as an improvement. Life will get much better soon. I believe this. I'm determined to make it so.
Just for a humorous parting shot:
http://xkcd.com/1030/
26 September 2012
Best Goddamn Day of My Life
Yesterday, 25 September 2012 was probably one of the best goddamn days of my life. Specifically the period between high noon and 12:25 p.m. At this point, you're probably curious (I assume. I mean, you are reading my blog.).
About a year ago, Fall 2011, I was required to take American Government. I despised the class because I was forced to take it, and the only benefit I saw in going was the pretty girl sitting in the middle of the auditorium. And then she dropped the course. But ever since learning her name when the roster was called, I knew that I liked her. Perhaps it was the pheromones or the fact that something in her facial structure was alluring to me. I honestly have no idea. But I hadn't seen her but a few times since she dropped.
Then, yesterday, she and her best friend happened to be eating lunch in the lobby of the building I had class in. I was elated. I was incredibly happy to see her. She probably couldn't tell me from Adam, but I felt anonymous and safe in having a crush that she didn't know about. So I went to place my possessions in my classroom, and returned to the lobby, hoping that my luck would hold out just long enough. Indeed, it had. She and her friend were still sitting there. "This is the definition of serendipity," I thought. Then the A game set in. I strolled over to their table, sat down, and greeted them both by name. Focusing the conversation mostly on her, and collecting input from her friend, I thought that this was exactly the way that life should go. Sadly, she was going home the first weekend that I proposed, but we were able to set a date not too far in the future. We are going to play laser tag. It will kick ass.
She mentioned bringing her friend, to which I consented. (Women need to discuss and evaluate men, yes? How can they do this without their best friend?) Now it's a double date. Then they had to run off to class. Clean, simple exchange.
I had the biggest smile on my face for the rest of the day. Even some co-workers commented on my happy attitude by saying that they had never seen me so happy at work before. Definitely one of the best days of my life.
About a year ago, Fall 2011, I was required to take American Government. I despised the class because I was forced to take it, and the only benefit I saw in going was the pretty girl sitting in the middle of the auditorium. And then she dropped the course. But ever since learning her name when the roster was called, I knew that I liked her. Perhaps it was the pheromones or the fact that something in her facial structure was alluring to me. I honestly have no idea. But I hadn't seen her but a few times since she dropped.
Then, yesterday, she and her best friend happened to be eating lunch in the lobby of the building I had class in. I was elated. I was incredibly happy to see her. She probably couldn't tell me from Adam, but I felt anonymous and safe in having a crush that she didn't know about. So I went to place my possessions in my classroom, and returned to the lobby, hoping that my luck would hold out just long enough. Indeed, it had. She and her friend were still sitting there. "This is the definition of serendipity," I thought. Then the A game set in. I strolled over to their table, sat down, and greeted them both by name. Focusing the conversation mostly on her, and collecting input from her friend, I thought that this was exactly the way that life should go. Sadly, she was going home the first weekend that I proposed, but we were able to set a date not too far in the future. We are going to play laser tag. It will kick ass.
She mentioned bringing her friend, to which I consented. (Women need to discuss and evaluate men, yes? How can they do this without their best friend?) Now it's a double date. Then they had to run off to class. Clean, simple exchange.
I had the biggest smile on my face for the rest of the day. Even some co-workers commented on my happy attitude by saying that they had never seen me so happy at work before. Definitely one of the best days of my life.
23 September 2012
"Single-serving friends"
It is late. Today (yesterday, more specifically) has been nothing in a productive sense. I did a trivial amount of homework, but shortly after came home from the library to eat lunch, and I killed my time fidgeting with the TV. Well, the hour and a half of today really hasn't seen me accomplish that much either, except to write these few pieces. To be honest, yesterday was actually counterproductive, as I was essentially fired from my research assistant-ship by the graduate student I was supposed to be working under. All of her points are valid, especially how I should check my email and be in touch more than once every few weeks. It does nothing to lessen the pain. I admit that I truly looked forward to working on this project. Not to say that the pain is unbearable, but it most certainly isn't fun, either.
My social network at school is incredibly small, and I feel bad turning to the same select two or three to help me resolve my problems every time I turn the corner. It makes me feel like such a burden to them. I never feel that I can make up to them all the times that they have helped me out. It frustrates me both that I do not think I can be as good to them as they are to me and that I have so few to turn to down here. I do not know how to address that issue.
I am also slowly becoming irritated that my job with the school will be (hopefully) coming to an end within the year as I finish my studies. I am not looking forward to having to find a new job, and honestly have not begun the responsible task of starting to look for one.
I find myself with the occasional benefit of running into random people and getting to have their acquaintance. I believe The Narrator describe them to Tyler Durden as "single-serving friends." I met a young lass at a club meeting who caught my fancy. As I walked one of the pathways on campus one day, I strolled past another young lady on a bench. After having the thought that I would probably never see her again and having nothing to lose, I doubled back to ask her opinion on where to take the young lass from the club on a date. She answered, and it took no more than two minutes. Surprising me, she returned tit-for-tat and asked me a question regarding her boyfriend four hours away whom she feared was cheating on her with his ex. We ended up spending an hour and a half discussing the situation. When she grew tired, I walked her to her dorm and gave her my number in case she wanted my help again. I have yet to hear back from her. A "single-serving friend." I find that I enjoy these encounters, perhaps because I see myself as hopefully helping someone or because of their ephemeral nature. Unique, but lovely.
My social network at school is incredibly small, and I feel bad turning to the same select two or three to help me resolve my problems every time I turn the corner. It makes me feel like such a burden to them. I never feel that I can make up to them all the times that they have helped me out. It frustrates me both that I do not think I can be as good to them as they are to me and that I have so few to turn to down here. I do not know how to address that issue.
I am also slowly becoming irritated that my job with the school will be (hopefully) coming to an end within the year as I finish my studies. I am not looking forward to having to find a new job, and honestly have not begun the responsible task of starting to look for one.
I find myself with the occasional benefit of running into random people and getting to have their acquaintance. I believe The Narrator describe them to Tyler Durden as "single-serving friends." I met a young lass at a club meeting who caught my fancy. As I walked one of the pathways on campus one day, I strolled past another young lady on a bench. After having the thought that I would probably never see her again and having nothing to lose, I doubled back to ask her opinion on where to take the young lass from the club on a date. She answered, and it took no more than two minutes. Surprising me, she returned tit-for-tat and asked me a question regarding her boyfriend four hours away whom she feared was cheating on her with his ex. We ended up spending an hour and a half discussing the situation. When she grew tired, I walked her to her dorm and gave her my number in case she wanted my help again. I have yet to hear back from her. A "single-serving friend." I find that I enjoy these encounters, perhaps because I see myself as hopefully helping someone or because of their ephemeral nature. Unique, but lovely.
Unattainable Desire
Unknown to me, her beauty I try to see. Such youth, such splendor! That which I cannot have, alas, belongs to another. An alcoholic at heart, lessons I wish to learn from her, if only to spend more time with her. I want to be her friend, to see her more, to get to know her. Surely she will never feel the same way about me, but it's the thought that counts, right?
Objectively, she really isn't as pretty as the others, but I never notice. Her looks still dazzle me. I wonder if she'll ever know. Probably, but nothing will change. She is tired of being sober; I am tired of behaving like I'm single. It's betrayal for me, but the consequences seem nil, as any repercussions just mean I don't have to hide anymore.
Too many problems arise from relationships of people enclosed in such tight spaces as ours. I'm highly inclined to forget about the problems of the future and live in the moment, for today. Such actions are irresponsible, and I know that. Maybe it's not even her that I'm looking for as it is just someone to have a physical relationship with. I'm so curious, but I have to force myself to wait...on the other half's behalf. The problem with America is the profound number of choices: too many to accurately weigh the right one out. Maybe I just want to enjoy a bad decision, and so I choose her with which to make that happen? She is younger than me...
"The angels dream and waltz tonight." Such were the words that I would utter. Now, it seems that side of me has all but disappeared. I have no idea where, but it cannot be anywhere good. The lights around me seem to fade, dimmer and darker into the nothingness that only the moon can bring out and make beautiful again. I must be tired, as I let the emotions wash over me. I want to stay objective. You never see Spock with these problems. But then again, it is in these moments, after having turned down multiple offers to party, sitting alone in the moonlight (and that damned streetlight), that I can let the emotions wash over me, and let me start to feel again. Now is when I can try to see the beauty of the life around me. Not just for her. Anyone can see that she is cute. But moments like this when I reflect on her are when I can appreciate more to life than just having a job that pays some of my bills.
Perhaps it is what I perceive as the reckless and more dangerous side to her that particularly attracts me. I see myself as acting too safe (hence the significant other), but she doesn't instill that need to protect others that I usually default to. I just want to party around her.As I say that, I know that it would never work, as a relationship build purely around the physical and ephemeral never works out in the long run. But I still want to play. To run, jump, springboard, ride a motorcycle, gallop off on a horse, and be STUPID and reckless. It would just be fun. Sometimes, isn't that the most important thing?
Objectively, she really isn't as pretty as the others, but I never notice. Her looks still dazzle me. I wonder if she'll ever know. Probably, but nothing will change. She is tired of being sober; I am tired of behaving like I'm single. It's betrayal for me, but the consequences seem nil, as any repercussions just mean I don't have to hide anymore.
Too many problems arise from relationships of people enclosed in such tight spaces as ours. I'm highly inclined to forget about the problems of the future and live in the moment, for today. Such actions are irresponsible, and I know that. Maybe it's not even her that I'm looking for as it is just someone to have a physical relationship with. I'm so curious, but I have to force myself to wait...on the other half's behalf. The problem with America is the profound number of choices: too many to accurately weigh the right one out. Maybe I just want to enjoy a bad decision, and so I choose her with which to make that happen? She is younger than me...
"The angels dream and waltz tonight." Such were the words that I would utter. Now, it seems that side of me has all but disappeared. I have no idea where, but it cannot be anywhere good. The lights around me seem to fade, dimmer and darker into the nothingness that only the moon can bring out and make beautiful again. I must be tired, as I let the emotions wash over me. I want to stay objective. You never see Spock with these problems. But then again, it is in these moments, after having turned down multiple offers to party, sitting alone in the moonlight (and that damned streetlight), that I can let the emotions wash over me, and let me start to feel again. Now is when I can try to see the beauty of the life around me. Not just for her. Anyone can see that she is cute. But moments like this when I reflect on her are when I can appreciate more to life than just having a job that pays some of my bills.
Perhaps it is what I perceive as the reckless and more dangerous side to her that particularly attracts me. I see myself as acting too safe (hence the significant other), but she doesn't instill that need to protect others that I usually default to. I just want to party around her.As I say that, I know that it would never work, as a relationship build purely around the physical and ephemeral never works out in the long run. But I still want to play. To run, jump, springboard, ride a motorcycle, gallop off on a horse, and be STUPID and reckless. It would just be fun. Sometimes, isn't that the most important thing?
Splendid Misery
Like a dream once seen, long ago in the periphery, having been hauntingly beautiful, now only to be chased as dreams are wont to be. Flowing motion, like air, slips through the fingers leaving only the desire to capture more of that which we cannot have, Perfection evades our very nature.
Victory, however, becomes us and is that which we are by definition: souls seeking domination. Collateral damage is not what we pay heed to.
Multi-faceted palettes, colours dancing bright; the angels dream and waltz tonight. Still, only, the goal which we pursue, the terminus to our cause, softly lingers just beyond our reach. Pithy sadness, thou art the reason I do so blindly charge ahead.
Victory, however, becomes us and is that which we are by definition: souls seeking domination. Collateral damage is not what we pay heed to.
Multi-faceted palettes, colours dancing bright; the angels dream and waltz tonight. Still, only, the goal which we pursue, the terminus to our cause, softly lingers just beyond our reach. Pithy sadness, thou art the reason I do so blindly charge ahead.
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