Desiring to Terminate

Chivalry is a tiring trait.

And apparently this is a defining trait for me. I continue to hate the feeling that my attempts to restore life from the old days is wasted and in vain. Either my attempts are unwanted (as they so often are), or they fail early, quickly, and efficiently.

These results make me tired of the continuing pattern in my life. I cannot understand why the women that I attempt to court refuse me so steadfastly. I am tired of being alone, and I am tired of feeling tired of being alone.

DAMN IT!!

I know that I am tired. I have not had much sleep in the past seventy-two hours, and that sort of deprivation leads even neutral thoughts to having a twist of cynicism. But even before that, I find myself growing weary of "cute" and "happy." Advertisements showing "adorable" animals sicken me. That storybook ending that Disney is so famous for nigh induces regurgitation for me...my own personal ipecac. I wish that I knew how to rid myself of this tedium.

My idiotic airs keep my hopes alive for a romantic tale where I finally accept happiness in a situation where I can share my life with another. My realistic side longs for the day that I accept that I will grow old alone. ...Or, at least, die that way.

Sweet relief that would be, having been freed of my fetters to hope and joy.

I must rest soon before I commence yet another thoughtless action. It seems that all I may do now is wait. Next month will mark the day that I either celebrate a red or a yellow flower. At least by then, my mind will no longer be stuck in an eternal battle between two evenly matched options.

Getting One Right

"Never armed our souls/ For what the future would hold/ When we were innocent./ Angels, lend me your might/ Forfeit all my lives to get just one right."

I'm sure that I've posted this song before. But for the first time, I feel that there is a new way for me to look at this. Now, instead of trying to forfeit this life, I can finally take hold of it and comfortably call it mine. When I last worked as a writing tutor, I had an adorable co worker. She is absolutely brilliant, and honestly could fit in perfectly at any Ivy League. And on Thursday, I finally had the nerve to ask her out. It was beautiful.

This semester is my first taking classes in a subject that I am absolutely passionate about: theatre. I'm taking courses from two of my most favorite professors, whom I adore.

I'm not sure how to fully express how happy I am to be back with my family, at home, doing what I love. I suppose that I'll just have to trust that you can understand that as you draw from similar experiences in your life. So, if you'll excuse me, I have to hang out with a close friend in ten hours, and I have to woo a woman over the holiday. And the best part? I'm pretty sure that I'm starting to win.

A Culinary Mastery

I finally figured out the purpose of bread. No, toast is not the reason.

Bread's purpose is to make food easily consumable in a short time frame.

Do you like pork? Slap some between two pieces of bread. BAM. You have yourself a ham sandwich that you can now eat running out of the office for that meeting you have in five minutes. If you sat down for spaghetti you'd just plain miss that meeting.

Like beef? Place some on a bun. Tada! You have a hamburger: THE staple fast food in America.

Bread: for making food faster.

Looking up, but not high enough

It feels like it has been some time since I have last posted. I feel quite surprised that it seems like both so much and nothing has happened in the past month and six days. Most of December was vacated of a schedule, seeing as the school ended the term so that students could have a Christmas break. So, in the spirit of a vacation, I did nothing. I spent some time with friends, and a handful of chores around the house, but nothing beyond that.

What makes it feel like so much has happened is that I've given up hope on any prospect of happiness from high school that I don't already have. There is a number of memories from that time that I keep, most good (some bad), and a handful of friends from that time. I don't expect any of that to change. The stupid thing that I chose to do over the break was to finally get the nerve and just ask out one of my best friends from high school. We (as of this posting) have been friends for three years and a couple months, and we hung out a LOT in high school. I thought that it would be perfect. Heck, she even said that she liked the "nice guys," which is something that people used to tell me that I am. But apparently, I had gotten myself too far into the "friend-zone" to get out. *shrug* Oh well. C'est la vie.

I am quite excited, however, that I have been re-enrolled in my first college after trying a senior university for a term. So, I returned to work on my recently declared second major. All of the paperwork has been taken care of; tuition has been paid; books will be picked up on the first day of class; I move into the dorm soon; and a job or two has been lined up for the upcoming semester.
Heck, to make it even better, a girl I used to swim with (way back in the day) recommended a place in the town that I live in where I sh/could ask about an internship. I went yesterday to speak with someone about getting the internship, and the staff seemed to be quite receptive. After a fun tour of the facility, and a nicely flowing conversation, I would say that the prospect of a summer internship there is very promising.

Now (because I believe in posting depressing material) the only thing that depresses me this week is the art student's blog (mentioned below). The blog itself is filled with good news (from a reader's perspective). She seems to have found someone that makes her absolutely crazy/torn up with "love" (whatever it is), upon which I congratulate her.
What makes it depressing is that the blog, along with half of facebook, seems to be quite taken with being in a relationship, or at the very least, courting someone. I have tried for years to woo, always failing miserably.

I say that not to ask for your sympathy. I don't really need it, and honestly wouldn't know what to do with it if I did have it. I say that to place into context why I'm not jumping up and down with happiness and joy in this upcoming year.

And now if you will excuse me, I think that I'll forget about my sorrows in one of Paul Verhoeven's films. Other film recommendations are welcome either by email or via the comments on this website.