The Time has Come....

...for Reflection. As I look back on some of my older posts, I can barely remember the emotions that caused me to write them. I even have to sit and recollect my memories to remember who these girls are that I write about. They change so often, and with such rapidity, that it would seem to the observer (and myself in hindsight) that it does not matter.

Unfortunately, my self-control is not to the point that I can control emotions. As in, I will like which girls I like, and there will be no stopping of that. But I can change how I react to these emotions. Slowly, they will change. They will slow down, and I will have more time to think about the consequences of my reactions to these random feelings.

Least notably for me (albeit one of the more important ones) was a random event that happened for close to two hours while on a vacation that I recently took. While touring United States Prison Alcatraz with my Senior class, I went on the self-guided audio tour. Shortly after it began, I noticed myself behind a pretty, but young, girl. I stood at least a head taller than she, and she looked maybe fourteen at the oldest. Strangely, I felt a strong urge to not let her out of my sight. Thusly, I followed her throughout the tour, always keeping her in sight. I was not even troubled at the fact that her father (standing much taller than I) came to check on her several times during the tour. At the end, the tour brought us all into the gift shoppe (much like Disneyland, I know) where I lost sight of her. I saw her again with her family on the ferry ride back to the mainland, and one last time as we all exited the area. None of this bothered me as it should have, because during the tour I felt a sense of nervous, anxious peace.
The little girl looked like a fourteen year old version of the last girl that I dated. My ex was not the prettiest girl in the world, and yet she held a captivating charm about her. She was attractive, no doubt, and she had an aura of peace about her. Several weeks after our last date, however, she told me to quit contacting her for reasons that I still do not fully understand to this day. What scared me about the ordeal was the fact that I felt compulsed to follow this little girl even after I had thought that I was over being dumped. Apparently, I was incorrect. USP Alcatraz is now a place that I will no longer visit.

On a somewhat more prominent note, I maintain a friendship with a young lady who lives on the north side of town. She has become a fast companion of mine, despite the odd times that we contact each other. I am hoping that soon after I return from my trip that she and I will be able to see each other. At the time of posting, I have no idea if she still has a boyfriend or not, but I have bought her souvenirs to present to her upon my return.

Foremost on my dark and rather clouded mind (for I fear that I am going through another depressive cycle now, minor of course), is a girl that I met at "Jesus-camp." Perhaps the reader has heard of an event called Happening, perhaps not. I cannot recall if I have mentioned it earlier in my writings. Basically, it is a chance to deepen one's connection with Christ. After attending for the first time, one would become a team member on the next time that it occurs.
This girl attended the last session of Happening, although I had never noticed her before. All that I knew of her was her name on the list of people attending. Once she came to the team meetings, however, I began to pay much more notice to her. We had a rough beginning, but soon became wary friends. At the time of the most recent Happening (which was on 18-20 April 2008), we were pretty descent friends. The only problem was that it was not a mutual friendship. My feelings were of the romantic persuasion, while her's where merely platonic. As I left, I slipped her a letter describing my feelings (lack of time and opportunity prevented me from telling her in person as I should have). I thought that it would be a rather safe thing to do, since we would not see each other for quite some time (meaning until November at the earliest). As I began my vacation to San Fransisco, I noticed that I was praying for her and for her happiness a lot. During the course of my four-hour flight I literally spent close to an hour total praying for her and her alone.
Today, I read a Facebook message that she left me regarding her feelings about the ordeal. They were not mutual, which is not only understandable but also expected. As I sent back a response that hopefully has closed the subject permanently, I realized how often this happens to me.
I have finally come to the conclusion that I must change how often this happens to me. While I will still continue to be attracted to women, I will no longer act on this to the same extent that I have in the past. This will be a very difficult undertaking. Luckily, these dark parts of my character are balanced and counter-acted by my lighter parts, whatever they may be. Thus, the ideals of yin-yang are kept in check. I will need help with this. Luckily, I have God, or Allah, or Buddha, or whatever name you use. I have the help of the Almighty Architect to help me.