Alone and Strong

Regarding the last post, neither I nor my friend who wrote the redhead ever received a reply. We have come to the consensus that she is/was fake.

I am tired. I have a final for my summer term class in approximately eight hours, forty-five minutes. I haven't studied, nor have I completed the last writing assignment. I continuously blow off the work in a misguided hope that the work will simply go away. (Obviously, it does not.)

I sit here, in the dark (it's 0145 hours local, everywhere is dark at this time), wondering just what it is that I have done that irritated her (Protector). I thought that we were doing just fine. Summer classes started, things began to slow down, and I saw less and less of her. Eventually, I didn't see her at all. Then the phone calls ceased. At this point, it's been about two weeks since I've spoken with her beyond the point of "Are you free?" "No." "I'll call back later then."

The last six times that her name appears in my call log, it is as an outgoing call. Don't get me wrong, I'm all for the old-fashioned relationship (boy calls the girl, etc). But this is getting ridiculous. Perhaps I'm just not reading this correctly. I know that she works days (0800 or 0900 to about 1700 or 1800) and she has a night class from 2000 to 2200. I have classes from 0830 hours to approximately 1530 hours, and a night class from 1800 to 2000 at the latest. Perhaps she's just too busy right now for me? That should clear up around the end of July when classes terminate, I suppose.

Of course, there's always the option of the last time that I saw her. I just randomly decided to show up at her house on a day that I knew she was off of work. I enjoyed seeing her, I even brought her some flowers (carnations I believe, which she says are her favorites), and we went to the moving picture show. But thinking back on it, just randomly showing up either makes me seem clingy/needy or just plain crazy and/or that I'm a stalker. Both options are bad, so I'm quite hesitant to do that again. ....But then again, if I don't, when is the next time that I'll see her? I just have no idea. And I HATE it. I absolutely despise this feeling (of thinking that I'm in a relationship but being told by all the classic indicators that I'm not) with a great burning passion.

Perhaps that's just what I deserve though? I would have classified myself for eighteen and a half years as having been the traditional "nice guy." You know, the one that always gets screwed over because he's "too nice to date" or something of the like. I feel that I've slowly changed out of that role, and this is my punishment for that. It's a cruel Divine joke, that the first month of my first ever relationship is spectacular beyond all belief, and the rest of it is like having someone stab my heart every day and stomp on my balls (and not in that kinky sexual way)...just to watch me squirm. What a great joke, huh? F**king fantastic. *Shouting to the Heavens* Thanks, God! 'Preciate it.

For me, the worst part is probably knowing that I could have had a better relationship earlier in my life (2-3 earlier, perhaps) if I hadn't been so shallow about such vain things as the girl having to wear glasses or her living an hour away from me. The girl then was fantastic, and I was just an ass. Maybe I should have shown her more kindness, and hopefully that would have prevented her from having a child out of wedlock... I'll never know.

I always knew that I would end up alone in the world. I never expected to get married, or hell, even to date for that matter. I learned from an early age that Disney lied, and that life would be full of more heartaches and heartbreaks than was worth it; I even knew that it would be painful beyond belief. But I never expected this to hurt this much. In case you've decided to keep reading through my rant to this point, I see all of this as the reason that I never wanted to date/be in a relationship.

I have become much too biased in my opinions. As I'm in a relationship, the girl can do no wrong. In general, all men are assholes and the scum of the earth. But apparently, my biased opinions aren't enough to get her to like me again. So, I must resolve to keep strong and go about my business with a chiseled face. I must never let anyone know how much she has hurt me, nor will I let it become evident. I will be strong, showing perseverance in all situations, because hey, we're men and we are strong. Like Marines, semper fi, do or die, and all that jazz. And if you're ever around my place and you hear weeping in sorrow, just ignore it. It's only a broken man trying desperately to hide the last few fragments of his shame from the world.